Crime

Chief Gascon Enlists Incidental Hiptards to Promote "Civil Sidewalks"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I was pretty surprised by Gascon's casting list for his latest promotional video for his so-called “civil sidewalks” proposition.  I had expected it to be a bunch of geezers having a good cry about homelessness, but was instead surprised he managed to rally a few scenesters to take up the cause.  Some of my favorites included the owner of FTC Skateshop, who complained about civility on the streets with a backdrop of skateboards and “I <3 Haters” hats, which is particularly ironic because skateboarding is all about breaking laws and not being civil in public. Another “Mission Resident,” chilling at the 22nd St. parklett where people sit and lie nearly 24/7, was also opposed.

“Oh noes, homeless people aren't buying my beauty supplies.”

However, the real highlight of this three minute short is the empty-framed, sailor-tatted Megan Schnider, who starts going on about people with “like, chickens running around.”  I'm seriously waiting for the memenets to discover this one and autotune the shit out of it.  Think of the potential people!  An autotuned ditzy voice, psychedelic techno beats, animated gifs of dancing chickens and random sounds of clucking thrown in for good measure.  It'd be like hatebeak, only much funnier.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

"A Car Full of Thugs" Hit Cyclist, Steal Bike

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

One of my favorite things about the SF Examiner is their inspiring ability to make serious crime sound like tabloid comedy.  Take this story from the other morning:

A car full of thugs struck a bicyclist, knocking him to the ground, then stole the bike early Tuesday morning, police said.

The 29-year-old bicyclist was uninjured in the hit-and-run robbery at 22nd Street and South Van Ness Avenue around 1 a.m., police said.

Pretty crazy stuff.  Not to state the obvious here, but hitting the bike you intend to steal isn't a good strategy if you want the bike to be ridable again.

(link)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Supervisor Candidate Jane Kim 'Brings Da Motherfuckin Ruckus'

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The SF Weekly recently asked 10 candidates for the Board of Supervisors “to choose a single song to represent them” and, as you can imagine, all the choices were craptastic songs like Imagine, Respect, and some song about hot dogs.  Even the candidates who chose quality acts like Nas ended up picking lame tracks, like one about how kids should grow up to be astronauts or firefighters or some shit, rather than tracks off their only good album about the plight of the urban poor and smoking weed.  However Jane Kim, hailing from the TL, injected some quality into the list claiming Wu-Tang's “Triumph” reps her.  Badass move.  For the unfamiliar, read Ol' Dirty Bastard's intro:

What y'all thought y'all wasn't gon' see me?
I'm the Osirus of this shit
Wu-Tang is here forever, motherfucker
It's like this ninety-seven
Aight my niggaz and my niggarettes
Let's do it like this
I'ma rub your ass in the moonshine
Let's take it back to seventy-nine

I can only imagine how this list would have read last election.  David Campos probably would have picked Immortal Technique's “Harlem Renaissance” since it's a brilliant Latino rapping in an accessible way about the evils of white people gentrificating minority neighborhoods.

ZING!

(the full list of choices)

JJ Abrams Presents ...yet another show about an Island; This time set in the San Francisco Bay

— By Zach Perkins |

Will this show be an epic period-piece set in the gritty prison's golden age?  Or a Lost-meets-The Rock flavored travesty?

Deadline Hollywood reports that FOX, which last week gave a pre-green light commitment to Bad Robot's latest spec script, has today given the official go ahead to pilot the show.  After going through several re-writes, the final script for ALCATRAZ was penned by LOST exec-producer Elizabeth Sarnoff.  ALCATRAZ is described as “a show about mysteries, secrets and the most infamous prison of all time: Alcatraz.”  Sarnoff is attached as showrunner and will exec-produce along with Abrams and Bryan Burk. 

While not yet confirmed, I've heard from both some local union crew guys and some kids I know at networks down in LA, that the show will mostly be shot in Vancouver.  This is mostly to be expected, as it follows Bad Robot's current production model with FRINGE, which is supposed to be set in Boston (I think).  

So no, this won't be another TRAUMA.  But is that a good thing or a bad thing for our city?

VICTORY OVER PRO-ZOMBIE HIPPIES: Mission St's High Bridge Arms has permit renewed

— By Zach Perkins |

CBS 5 reports that the SFPD has renewed the permit necessary for High Bridge Arms to continue to function as the City's only gun store/Zombie resistance HQ. Despite the efforts of the staunch Pro-Zombie wing, San Francisco shall remain armed with a revolver-touting retail outlet on Mission St. 

WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN COLMA, THE DEAD WILL WALK THE EARTH AND WANT MISSION STYLE BURRITOS CON CABEZA DEL HUMANO.

PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Ninja Stars: An Ineffective Zombie Deterrent

— By Zach Perkins |

IT COULD HAPPEN HERE!

Today, the City will hold a hearing where pro-zombie hoards will undoubtedly attempt to strip High Bridge Arms, a Mission St gun shop, of their permit.  As someone with a morbid fear of the zombie apocalypse, I stand firmly against the closing of High Bridge Arms, the City's one and only legal purveyor of firearms.  

When the armies of the dead start their long march from Colma to San Francisco, we need High Bridge's cache of firearms on hand for looting. Without them, we'd be left with only novelty swords and ninja stars looted from Chinatown tourist traps.  This is just poor city planning.  Hopefully 'Gun Tottin Gavin' will step in and initiate a new Zombie Preparedness Initiative with TWELVE GAUGES FOR ALL YALLS.  

PROTIP:  Don't loot a gun store unless you're sure the owners have either fled or been zombie-fied.  Looting gun shops with living owners will result in your ass getting shot off and handed to you, and then re-animating moments later as an ass-less zombie. You n00b. 

CHINATOWN IS DOOMED!!!

Is Pop's Bar the Worst Place to Park Your Bike?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you read various Mission blogs or SF bike forums, you would have noticed that once a month some poor bastard gets their bike stolen or stripped outside of Pop's bar.  Well, it happened again last night.  What's going on here?

1160 York St.

That's right.  The dude that keeps stealing bikes (he even stole a bartender's dog and tried to sell it back to him) lives at 1160 York St. and no one (including SF's finest) will touch him.  You've been warned.

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