Uptown Almanac

 

A Filipino and a couple of peckerwoods are playing softhands music at Butter from 6-9. I am married to the one that's not a honkey so come thru and drink some sexy bullshit while you pretend that you actually give a fuck about valentines day bullshit. If you're feeling hella romantic you might want to hollar at a frito pie and get your bump and grind on.

Got an email from Allan:

I want to know what the Uptown Almanac has to say about THIS:

Here's the thing: this video is so laced with sexuality, Lady Gaga impersonators, and 80's pornography-film music that it is very hard for a mere mortal to evaluate.  Thankfully, I majored in alcohol consumption and premarital sex in college, so I'll give this a once over.

Truthfully, I don't know immediately what brand of journey I am about to embark on.  The opening features dogs barking, shaky camera work, and some tranny running through the woods.  Zombie films are pretty hot these days and the fact I am watching one on Vimeo will less than 300 views made me feel bleeding edge until...

...some relatively 'cool music' begins playing and a fairly faggy (no no, it's okay.  I live in San Francisco.  It's my word too) child actor comes crawling through the thicket to 'take his hipster princess.'  Now it's becoming evident that I'm about to experience a "bold experiment in art bridging the mediums of fashion, music, film, and expensive catering."

As previously mentioned, Lady Gaga smokes some crack rocks and joins the cast.

The video then proceeds to give us a gratuitous shot of an aardvark tattoo, leaving the audience to ponder "What's below of that tramp stamp?"  The answer, unbeknownst to most, is scabies.

Suddenly, a second man joins the cast and there is mad cantaloupe on the scene.  Also, this chick had a period all over her own face, which pretty much indicates she can contort her body in wonderful ways and make getting the clap into an "alright" experience.

At this point, I'm starting to shed the hate and get impressed.  Last time I was dry humping an ambiguously-gendered person and I got a little hungry, I ate a couple of double-stuffed Oreos and had some flat grape soda.  But Christ, this is an orgy of fruit and animal carcasses.  Go on...

Now people are finger-fucking the food.  I know very little about the female anatomy because I figure if "bitch gets pregnant, I always have a can of Raid and a baseball bat."  But I'm reminded of what the great philosopher Snoop Doggy Dogg had to say about intercourse: "used to be up in them guts like everyday."  Based on this astute analysis of the female genitalia, one can only assume that this is a metaphor for the 48 seconds of intercourse they are about to have.

Abruptly the journey has concluded with some shots of unwieldy fingernails.  We witnessed no penetration and I am left with a penis ascending into my lower abdomen in fear.

Ordinarily, this is where one would compose a synopsis of what just occurred, but I would prefer to leave you with this: "Filmed in London and Los Angeles."  lol wut?

Brizz and I tended bar for puppies last night and it was pretty solid.  Felt like most people were there to impress the internet with their knowledge of obscure drinks.  Example: some bitties ordered "Malibu Sunrises."  Me, being the generally clueless individual that I am, asked the bar manager how to make it and he replied, "is it a tequila sunrise?  I've never heard of it."  So I asked the girl how to make it and she was all "dunno, has cranberry juice and blah blah blah."  So I got to throw down: "Look, half of the people here are drinking Hamm's and look like they would rather judge your bicycle than have sex with you.  Why don't you order a beer or go put Tearin' Up My Heart on you iPod Shuffle and BOUNCE."  Then I ran around high-fiving my friends because I finally got to be a surly bartender and proceeded to slam a shot of Jameson with Stu and Ed.

All this and I managed to wake up feeling a-okay.

 Ladies, gather round. From 7x7 (again with the 7x7 bashing! What can I say? They can't do anything right. 7x7's mom shoulda had an abortion LAURA OMG):

 

That's right, learn about drinks that GUYS LIKE. Guys like whiskey, aged run and anejo tequilla. Man, I've been really fucking up over here, trying to woo dudes with Pina Coladas and shit. Also, I'm curious, what is the masculine side of cockails? Are we gonna meet cocktails with penises? Or who are day traders? I'm so confused.

BEST PART?

That's right, this all takes place right before the Rocket Dog Rescue fundraiser that Uptown Almanac is bartending at. Expect some epic pictures on the blog tomorrow. SO EXCITED.