the holiday season!
The corner store on 18th and Guerrero is really appalled by your use of technology this holiday season.
Merry Christmas, internet!
(And thanks for the heads up, Alissa!)
It's going down Christmas Day at the Make-Out Room and it pretty much sounds like the best Christmas ever:
Heeb or not, you are cordially invited to spend Christmas in the company of the “chosen” people…chosen to be alienated and bored stiff when everything is closed on Christmas, that is!
*SPEND some quality time with me!
*MARVEL at our Hanukkah bush, flown in from the guiltiest reaches of Poland, with crappy gifts afoot for everyone!
*STARE at our run of WOODY ALLEN films throughout the night, interspersed with the greatest hits of LARRY DAVID*DROOL at the fine buffeted assortment of Chinese edibles – of the pork and non-pork varieties (veggie options)!
*GASP at the tuchuses, polkes and schmekels before you as competitors get down for prizes and glory in our dandy game of STRIP DREIDEL!
All that for ten bucks! But, of course, Broke-Ass Stuart has a line on how you can get yourself half-price tickets.
Thank you to whatever stupid sucker left this beautiful amorphous holiday blob abandoned on 21st Street.
Happy Hanukkah!
Much to my surprise, Emeryville's Bay Street shopping center is not only home to interesting art (or, art of any kind), but is self-aware! Yes, rather than hanging up a giant Christmas tree like the unfettered capitalist scum of San Francisco's Union Square, Emeryville retail mecca erected a "holiday tree" made of shopping carts and shiny ornamental balls. As BuboBlog (taker of the above photo) speculates, is this a pointed critique of the Black Friday-ification--the pepper spraying, and killing, of our fellow man over dumb crap we won't use in six months--of what was a winter celebration of family and Black Baby Jesus?
Artist Anthony Schmitt explains:
The shopping cart tree symbolizes both generosity and abundance, as well as acknowledging those less fortunate where their whole world may be housed in a cart. We see shopping carts everyday and take them for granted. Individually the beauty of an everyday object may become invisible, but in quantity you can’t miss it.
Oh.
[BuboBlog]
It's the holiday season again, which means everyone's favorite needlessly controversial Sanchez St. sidewalk garden has put up their annual "Wish List to Santa." What are San Franciscans asking for this year?
e.p. wants Anderson Cooper cut up in small boxes under his tree. And a puppy butler.
Sarah wants a bunch of delicious vitamin c with her early afternoon black out.
Someone wants a giant hairy dong.
KN doesn't know quite what he wants, but regrets making that fireplace-side offering to the flannel gods.
Helen wants a job for her father and some fried chicken.
Unlike that greedy 99 percenter Helen, Lil Boo doesn't care about a job or any of that nonsense, she just wants to look rich.
And, of course, someone wants to upgrade from a pen to a can of Krylon.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
All your favorite Valencia corridor merchants have teamed up for the 4th year to help save you money on holiday gifts you were planning on buying anyway. Gifts from the likes of Good Vibrations:
Good Vibrations is proud to be the Mission district’s sexy holiday resource! Get in the mood for mistletoe with complimentary chocolates and sparkling cider from 6-10pm and take 15% off when you spend $50 or more! Let our sex educator sales associates help you pick out the perfect gift for everyone on your list, and don’t forget yourself! Be sure to check out our sexy holiday kits and our special Ecorotic line, the natural choice for eco-friendly fun.
And Hangr 16:
DJ Jimmy Hits will be rocking the turntables and we'll be serving free drinks. Plus, 10% off these giftables: ties, underwear, jewelry and t-shirts. 7pm to 10pm
And HMS Beekeeper:
10% off everything in the store, hot honey-sweetened chai, and we'll be hosting Rocket Dog Rescue with dogs for adoption. Noon to 8pm.
Like years past, some shops will be spinnin' jams and dishing out booze, but if you're planning on painting the neighborhood red, it's best to swing by your favorite corner store and brown bag it.
The party officially kicks off at 5pm and goes until 10, but some merchants are running on their own schedule. Check out MHBP's facebook for more info and what other deals are out there.
Should you find the standard holiday soiree too family-friendly, be sure to put The Roxie's annual Christmas boozefest on next year's calendar. Not only will you delight in rambunctiously cheering and mocking Bruce Willis and Carl Winslow's feats of strength in vaguely Christmas-related flicks like Die Hard, the whole thing is MCed by a wine-guzzling, blunt-smoking, can-crushing Santa Claus.
We can only hope next year's bash involves Bad Santa and a bathtub full of 40s.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
An anonymous reader sent this screenshot Thanksgiving night, noting "my inbox has been blowing up with okcupid messages from girls with neck tattoos and pop's bar trash alllll day. I guess people are bored at home or just hella randy from fisting birds all day?"
Oh golly.
But we get it--the holidays are rough on us single folk. Parents nag you about producing a grandchild that they know ain't coming anytime soon, your wifed-up friends get even more couply, and instead of going home with your significant other after the company holiday party, you end up explaining to your boss that the xerox machine is in urgent need of repair and you'll be finding a new, awkward route to your desk for the next few weeks.
So here's to you, lovelorn boys and girls. May your Christmas be filled with disappointing first dates and creepy internet stalkers.
(Also, please excuse our tardiness in reporting this holiday news--a busy weekend schedule of drinking beer and eating soggy potatoes means we're only just now reading our email.)
Previously on Uptown Almanac
This piece of holiday brilliance can be found parked in the window of Mission Bikes. Just please don't smash the window and steal it.
(link)
On Sanchez at 16th sits a household that is REALLY INTO CHRISTMAS. Lots of decorations, a Christmas tree that people can leave ornaments on, and a garage door covered in paper for passersby to leave their wish list to Santa on. So, what do San Franciscans want for Christmas? Let's take a look:
A common theme was to ask Santa for political change, societal change, and peace and love and lolcats. It is clear that SF has lost all faith in the political process and has been forced to turn to a deity for hope. Our God wears red, eats cookies, and gets around in a sleigh not powered by fossil fuels. Wish lists are the new form of prayer. Lefty O'Doul's is our megachurch. Folsom Street Fair is our Easter Mass.
As previously mentioned, San Franciscans cannot get enough of asking for things that are not gifts, but things that I remember the bougie girl from the 'burbs asking for while stuck waiting in line to ask for a copy of DOOM, a new Redline BMX bike, and to not get in trouble next time I burned an ant hill with a can of WD-40.
Anyway, Jim E. desires some credit for incorporating idealism with something tangible.
Here we see that people want Santa to buy them a subscription to Match.com and bus fare to the SFPCA. Also, a revolution.
Don't confuse this one. We're not a greedy people, we just went to college where we studied philosophy, minored in computer science, spent our time taking mescaline, having sex in the President's garden, and playing Maria Kart. Instead of moving to New Hampshire after graduation, were there are no taxes and rent is a nickel, we moved to San Francisco, where rent is our salary, the sales tax borders on 10%, and fashionable tshirts cost $29.95.
Only our jolly red God can help us now.
This set of wish lists tells you a lot about San Francisco:
- The city has completely given up on the 49ers and are now pulling for other teams to win the Super Bowl.
- Our choice in lovers comes down to not how much money they make, rather what instrument they played in college.
- We're French-loving socialist scum.
Well, it does snow a lot in the North Pole (sorry).
If there is something this city wants most, it's probably sex with Christian figures in costumes.
Same as above.
Also of note, what is cut off on the right is "A BIG FAT.... ....BLUNT!" I think the entrepreneurs out there can see a growing demand for a drug and cookie-based economy.
Finally, it wouldn't be a garage door in San Francisco without someone tagging over it.
Want to read the entire wall? Full-size here. Warning: it's a huge file.
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