Dear Mom

Dear Sucker

San Franciscans Wait Two Hours in the Rain For Day-Old New York Bagels

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Photo by @marmotilla

San Francisco reached peak pop-up pretentiousness this morning as throngs of bored foodies waited for “nearly two hours” for day-old New York bagels.

Taking place at Dear Mom, the Mission’s magnet of mediocrity, budding restauranteurs importers Sonya Haines and Wes Rowe unveiled their “Eastside Bagels” hustle, which sees Russ & Daughters bagels flown in from New York and flipped for $6 (bagel with cream cheese) to $12 (full bagel sandwich).  According to tweets from Andy Cooper, who suffered through the humiliation so we didn’t have to, the entire ordeal was a pointless exercise in doom and decadence:

 

The news of slow service and sell-outs led to an artisan riot, as moist customers raised their decorative pitchforks and hurled mildly-restrained criticism at the non-chefs.  Some poor schmuck even came up from San Jose, much to her frowny face:

While we’ve become dizzy with all the eye-rolling, we cannot help be impressed by the brilliance of this pop-up and its ability to lure people into the most degrading “yuppie bread line” possible.  Here are some other pop-up ideas to subsidize your next East Coast vacation:

  • “Box O’ Joe” Irish coffee pop-up at Buena Vista.
  • $12 reheated slice of Crazy Dough’s.
  • Bottles of water, filled from the bathroom sink of a West Philly Wawa.
  • $2 week-old Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins.
  • Scratched Dropkick Murphy’s CDs purchased at various Quincy garage sales.
  • Coolers full of authentic snow collected from Brooklyn (gross old dirty snow, not the fresh stuff).
  • Rosemunde pop-up, featuring sausages imported from Rosemunde Williamsburg.
  • Bagels purchased from C-Town Supermarket that you claim Danny Bowien breathed on.

Go forth and make your money, young jetset entrepreneurs. And congratulations to you, foodies of San Francisco, for effectively releasing any claim of superiority over New York City.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

How Not to Lock Your Bike

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After seeing all the media hullabaloo about Dear Mom's new bike racks, I eagerly threw on my favorite ill-fitting flannel and rushed over to check it out.  Yup, it's a bike rack all right.  A well used one at that, but not used well.

See, after some years living in San Francisco, I've seen all sorts of lousy locking jobs: u-locks around quick-release front wheels, locking around seat posts and handle bars, cable locks around fire hydrants… real smooth stuff.  However, none quite so bad as this fellow's quality lock-up of simply discarding their bike on the pile.

That's not to say that simply abandoning your bike for the thieving masses isn't a good locking strategy should you be fishing for an excuse to hit up your parents for a new ride.  But for everyone else, might I recommend at least zip tying it to a thin tree?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Welcome To The Jungle

— By Erika Kali |

Went to Dear Mom for the Eggplant Parmesan sandwich, ended up front row at a hair show. From the looks of it, the theme was Urban Wildlife, with a mix of masquerade. Lots of antlers, feathers, and teased hair. I thought it looked pretty cool — if I were one of the models I'd totally rock that 'do for the rest of the night, but I would avoid hitting up Royal Cuckoo for fear I'd be their newest wall piece.

Dear Mom, I Hate You

— By Sam Bartos |

Since the Mission District was established by urban explorer Straüs VanMission Sløot in 1989, no bar within the jurisdiction of its confines has inspired such polarizing opinions from people as Dear Mom. Built from the ashes of El Rincon, the mere mention of Dear Mom elicits such a dichotomous emotional response that it threatens to tear the native Caucasian community of the Mission District apart. 

If you've been there before, you left with one of two statements rolling off of your tongue: “Hey man. I found this really cool bar. You should come out, I'm having all of my birthdays there forever.” Or “Yo, fuck this place. Get my Segway. I'm going back to NOPA.”

At the end of the day, all we have are facts. And here are the undisputed pros and cons of Dear Mom, which are all very real and none of which based on conjecture. 

Pros:

  • Ample standing 
  • The Bar is co-owned and managed by Neil Diamond's son Brad Diamond
  • Interior lit exclusively with artisan lightbulbs hand-crafted by estranged Latvian light-psychics
  • Over 4 different kinds of canned beers
  • Sports attractions such as football, pool and flannel olympics
  • The bar is made of cocaine-mâché 

Cons:

  • The staff make fun of you if you order a drink
  • Brad Diamond will throw you out if you joke that he's “Your Friend in the Diamond Business”
  • Getting stabbed on Folsom as you walk home
  • No designated coke room (handicapped bathroom)
  • Every record in the jukebox is the new Beach House record
  • The bar is exclusively populated by shitheads

These are the facts as they stand. But seeing as nightlife is a wild, frenzied, subjective medium, it's left to you to decide. You, the plumbers, the joe twelve-packs, and the freelance art directors that give the Mission its gritty, working class spirit. What do you think about Dear Mom?

[Photo via The Bold Italic]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dear Mom Buys Mission Hill Saloon, Bringing the Mission its Fourth Thieves Bar

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Our buddy, who was close to the deal, brings us word that beloved Potrero Ave dive Mission Hill Saloon has been purchased by Jay and Oliver of Dear Mom:

Bad news, or good news… I'm having a hard time deciding. The Saloon changed hands today. It'll be closed on Monday for remodeling. The buyers? Jay and Oliver of Dear Mom.

Mike, the previous owner of The Saloon, took a greater share of (silent) ownership of all Thieves bars in return. Now we can all celebrate (or mourn) the arrival of another official Thieves bar.

When I followed up for more details on the new bar, this is all I got back:

They're going to change much of the decor from what I gather. Redoing the bar and hopefully the bathrooms. Many of the bartenders will likely lose their jobs… Jay and Oliver will run it. I imagine it will be more like Dirty Thieves than Dear Mom.

Also, there's going to be a party Sunday night for anyone who loved it. I'm truly sad about the change of ownership. The Saloon was a true dive bar… it's gonna change forever.

Don't get me wrong, it's not hard for me to get behind an outing to Dear Mom.  But Mission Hill Saloon was one of the better dives in the hood: the drinks were cheap, the bartenders were awesome, the bathroom wall art was some of the best in town, the pool table was often free, annoying people generally didn't walk in the door, and it was one of the few places left where the bartenders would get so trashed that the customers had to take care of them.  It had real character (not to say Dear Mom doesn't, but it's undeniably different); one I can't imagine will remain.

(Oh, and let's hope pray they don't stop selling Keystone)

UPDATE: It's facebook-official.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dear Mom: I Still Love You

— By Zach Perkins |

I've seen some creepy, stalkerish bathroom grafitti before, but this 1x1.5 ft message scralled in the men's stall at Dear Mom takes the cake. 

Maybe someone took the question posed by the bar's exterior literally, and used the opportunity to express their feelings for their estranged mom? Say 'hi' to your mother for me.

Photo by Mary Bernsen, via Dear Mom's Facebook Page

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

'Dickel and a Pickle'

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The Pickleback, as seen in its native habitat at the Bushwick Country Club.

You've heard of picklebacks, right? A shot of whiskey immediately followed by a shot of pickle juice.  It sounds nasty.  Oh so nasty.  Hell, some people can barely keep their faces from contorting into an unsightly mess after the pairing:

But it's really not that bad.  Wikipedia claims “the pickle brine works to neutralize both the taste of the whiskey and the burn of the alcohol.”  Which, sure, sounds possible.  But as someone who thoroughly enjoys the taste of pickles and puts up with the taste of well whiskey, I can assure you the combo just works.

What's the point of all this, you ask?  Well, Broke-Ass Stuart, whose been tending bar at 16th and Harrison newcomer Dear Mom, is bringing the pickleback to the Mission this and every Wednesday night:

I'm bringing an East Coast classic to the Mission: The Pickle Back!  It's a shot of whiskey with a shot of pickle juice as a chaser.  I'm doing it with Dickle Whiskey, so it's gonna be Dickel and a pickle back for $4.  Plus the best part is that it's gourmet pickle juice: I'm getting my pickle juice from the guys who do the Wise Sons food truck and will be soon doing the Wise Sons deli on 24th St.

Do yourself a favor and give this a try.  Just, please, never wear this hat while slamming them back.

[First photo by Muppitz, Second by Trecarious]

Dear Mom: A Bar So Big, Your Momma Will Fit In It

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

After months of anticipation, Dear Mom finally opened their doors last night to a crowd of overjoyed neighbors.  And while they still have a long way to go (they still don't have a permit to sell booze, so they were just giving it away/their cash register is literally a cardboard box/they don't have their liquor shelves setup yet), it's got a lot going for it.  The place is massive (its legal capacity is nearly 250 people), it's got multiple giant tables to sit at, the pool table is brand-spankin-new, it's on your way home from work, and the bar staff is cool has hell (rumor has it thrifty globetrotter and television superstar Broke-Ass Stuart is even picking up a shift there).

Plus, they got a 4-foot-tall Connect Four game and your mom jokes for days.

At the corner of 16th and Harrison.  Do check them out.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

New "Beards and Mustaches" Bar Owned By Actual Beards and Mustaches

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Yesterday I got all antsy about the possibility of a “beards and mustaches” bar moving into the old El Rincon space at 16th and Harrison.  One of the bar's owners, Jay, followed up with some more details:

The LLC is called beards and mustaches but the actual bar/restaurant is going to be called Dear Mom. Oliver Piazza and Jay Beaman (both bartenders at Thieves Tavern) are joining up with Paul Bavaro to open the joint up. Also Laurent Katgely from Chez Spencer will be doing up the food. We're really into the neighborhood and having a warm neighborhoody place to eat and drink with reasonable prices and tasty bits. For everyone. Low key. Mellow. No live music. But you'll still be able to get a little too drunk and make out with a stranger late in the night. more info here, including a sample menu (we're still working it out but it's a start).

I'm not going to lie, I had to look up a few of the words on the menu, and Chez Spencer seems a little snobby for a Mission dive bar.  Even so, it's nineteen bucks for roast beef and open acceptence of Your God-Given Right to snog in public.  Perhaps it's not all bad.

I shot Jay some follow-up questions, and this is what he sent back:

Q: Is it going to be more of a dive like the other Thieves bars or a bit nicer?  I ask because the menu is a little more pricey than other neighborhood bar and grills (namely Bender's, Gestalt, Zeitgeist, former Ace Cafe)… 

A: yes and no. the daily specials are more but the everyday food is all under $10 bucks and we want to keep it that way. What we really want is a place where you can get good food and get loose and act like a fool (the good kind of fool). Like, what's the difference between a dive bar and a neighborhood bar? Clean bathrooms and napkins on the table. I really want to go to a bar where i can get a $6 plate of grilled asparagus and get drunk and have a spontaneous dance party to The Pointer Sisters. That's what we're going for.

Q: what kind of capacity is in that place?  I feel like that could house as many people as Bender's (150ish)

A: we're working that out with the architect now but it's fucking big. probably will end up being 150-220 (El Rincon had a capacity sign up that said 137 with stickers over it changing it to 250. Hella janky). there will be 40-50 seats around the bar (it's big) and booths that'll seat another 40 (maybe not right when we open) plus 10 whiskey barrels with 4 bar stools around them. There will also be a private room in the back that'll seat 30-50 (depending on how much you like each other). We certainly will rent it out to whomever might want it for their events but the people we really think of as VIP are bus boys and line cooks and bartenders and waiters. Our plan is that if you know us (or get to know us) get off work and want to just chill with your friends then that back room'll be yours.

Q: Planning on putting anything interesting/unique/rad as shit inside the place? (e.g. pinball, shuffleboard, indoor bike parking, skeeball, pool tables, old Area 51 arcade games, self-cleaning coke mirror in all bathrooms…)

A: pinball. one (maybe but not likely two) pool table, arcade for sure (area 51 is a great idea) internet jukebox (the back room will have it's own CD juke box so that people that rent/borrow it out can make their own mixes), a couple of TV's for Giants games. We're still working stuff out and all of this is subject to our whims/cashflow/annoyances. We're going to talk with the city about putting some nice big bike racks outside.

Q: Estimated opening date?

A: October. hopefully. 

Previously on Uptown Almanac: