Since conflict of interest is already my middle name, I want to alert you all to an excellent bakesale happening this Saturday (TOMORROW) in front of Herbivore on Valencia from 11 am to 4 pm.  All the money goes to help save highly endangered mountain Gorillas in DR Congo’s Virunga National Forest and to Wildcare, an awesome wildlife hospital and education center in San Rafael. Seriously, if you find any injured animals in the bay area, take them to Wildcare unless you want them to be gassed or get subpar shitty care somewhere else.

ANYWAY, we’re gonna have all sorts of ridiculously delicious shit there, including mountains of cupcakes, chocolate covered caramels, and pickled cauliflower. Yep. See you sluts there!

Hellllllen (not sure, there are like a million l's in her name) is an art and comic making genius. She went to see Lady Gaga perform and drew about it. The result? How about, “NAILED IT.” Don't worry, I hate me too!

OH DUDE, that comic is going to be part of Prison for Bitches: a Lady Gaga Fanzine. SOME DREAMS DO COME TRUE. 

^{(this dinner will cheer you up)}

Do you like drinking? Do you like getting buck? Do you even know what getting buck entails? Whatever though, the point is that for years San Francisco liquor stores have been satisfying the needs of neighborhoods by combining rap music sensibilities and liquor. As far as I know it all starts with the Cutty Bang, the classic of all these corner store hook ups. What is a cutty bang? Well if you find yourself on 3rd and Newcomb you might realize that there isn't exactly a vast array of night life choices. You've got to find a way to entertain yourself and having a liquor store that sells tiny bottles of alcohol can only lead to brilliance. Well someone took some bottles of Seagrams, Bicardi, Taquaray, an 8oz can of Dole Pineapple juice, and dumped that shit into a cup. No one seems to know the name of this legendary pioneer in “mixology” but the drink was immortalized by Tay Da Tay and later KNT.  

There are a grip of these drinks; the names and ingredients seem to change according to where you cop. The most consistent drink by far is the Cutty Bang. There are other drinks though like the What It Do, The Big Unk, The Killa Hoe, Getting Hyphy, the Money Maker, Walk It Out, Do You Like It Raw, Tupac, The Obama, Kobe, Casper, Trible B's, Wipe Me Down, and so on. For the most part the formula is simple, take 3 or 4 different kinds of alcohol, throw in some kind of chaser then just give it some kind of rap related name and boom you're fucking done. But as far the drinks go the cutty bang is my drink of choice, that shit might look maney but it's fucking good.

Around 2005 I discovered that Charlie's Pharmacy had these hook ups also, and even a motherfucking menu! The old menu is no more but it had some gems like The Thizz and The French Quarter which was a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka, instant get wrecked. The new menu though has more drinks. They also got some real fucking monsters like the WTF which is just a bottle of Captain Morgan's and a bunch of shitty gin and bacardi, but it will get you straight for 15 bucks.

This past Sunday my wife decided to try out the Getting Sloppy which can be seen below. It's basically like drinking a plastic jolly rancher that taste like liquor made from Puff Daddy's ball sweat.

I got the Quit Hating because it's called the Quit Hating, it's a shitty margarita tho. I should have said fuck it and stuck with the cutty bang.

Some spots in the mission will put together a cutty bang if you ask, they seem to know the deal on 24th and Folsom but don't be surprised if you ask and have to tell dude what ingredients you want. If you want to get more legit though hit up the 3rd St Liquor Store (3rd & Newcomb) or Charlie's Pharmacy (Golden Gate & Fillmore). Charlie's has a funky set up where you have to hit the back counter for drinks, some are on the counter but the menu faces the counter so you have to turn around to see it. They use to give out ice with the cups but got some heat for it so now you got to supply yourself.

Oh yeah forgot to mention the Wipe Me Down! I don't fuck with caffeine but holy shit this one had me tripping. That Mac Dre Hunid Racks ain't no joke, it's rarely in stock but when it is it's fun to fuck with if you like getting amped up and breaking shit.

Apparently, today is Free Comic Book Day. Basically, from what I’ve figured out, you just show up and they give you a free comic. It’ll probably be a pretty shitty one,  but hey, it’s free, and you can just lie to your friends and say it’s “obscure” and “underrated”, unless of course they went and got the same shitty comic. Maybe you can bond over your shared secret and live in constant fear that the others will out you as an owner of crappy comics. whatevs, ITS FREE.

According to the website, Mission Comics and Art, Neon Monster, Isotope, and Comix Experience are all participating. Caffeinated Comics apparently doesn’t believe in free comics, and probably tells kids Santa isnt real either so screw those assholes (edit: looks like they believe in free comics).  Considering I just woke up from a night of bartending and boozing and only pretend to read comics so nerdy boys will sleep with me, I don’t think I’m gonna make it, but hopefully just writing about it will give me that nerd boost that being obsessed with zombies just cant bring, and some guy in fake glasses and an argyle sweater vest will find me attractive. SWOON.