Travels and Tales

Cool Kid Travels: Portland's Big Ass Crab

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Termie was in Portland and spotted this killer crab.  Not completely sure, but I’m guessing Jake’s is a vegan restaurant with a sense of humor.

Apparently big crabs are not new, which is new to me.  For example, this was front page news in 1985:

And some bro started an Angelfire site (complete with spinning email gif icon + text telling you that you have to refresh to see the latest version of the constantly updating site) celebrating the glory that is giant crustaceans.  Argh.  San Francisco, I’m not going to be happy until I see a 90 foot seahorse (WARNING: bros molesting inflatable animals) dancing in the wind above Weird Fish.  Get to work.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

San Francisco Mission Style Cal-Mex

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

My buddy Lander chased tail all the way to NYC and spotted this upper west side.  Beyond the obvious question of “what the fuck is cal-mex?,” I really feel like “mission style” is more of a raunchy ‘hyper-local’ sex position than brand o’ burrito.  Usually this the point of the blog post where I attempt to define said position, but considering if I was taken hostage for all the state secrets I know and my captors pulled off all my fingers to torture me, I could still count the number of times I’ve had sex in the Mission on one hand, I probably am not the most qualified to do such a thing.  Maybe it’s getting thrown up against the bathroom wall at Farolito by some drunk vegan girl wearing bright yellow lycra tights?  Or maybe doing the “Donald Hump” in the Mission Police Station bathroom while listening to I Want Pussy by Ol’ Dirty Bastard over your crappy iPhone speakers?

Someone fill me in.

Free trips! And you don't even have to do it with an old dude to get one! I think that says more about me than it does about you!

— By Laura B |

I’m too tired to give you the complete details but basically, you write up vacations based on themes and then readers and editors vote on them. If you win, you get 5 free nights at a joie de vie hotel (nice!), round trip plane tickets and a bunch of cash. I’ll take it! I’m not sure if you have to use the money to travel to SF but if that’s the case, have your out of town friends enter. The site running the contest is Trazzler and they’re pretty great. They basically give you ideas for trips to take all over the world. I like it because I really want to go on vacation but can’t afford anything so I just read about them and dream, like a modern day, less attractive, more whiny Cinderella. Adorable! I might enter all of these contests 5 or 6 times. Of course, I’ll use different names and occasionally wear a mustache so they’ll have no clue. 

Oh also, if you win, I’m your plus 1. Deal? DEAL!

Foursquare Attempts to "Get It", Fails

— By Megan Allison |

The Independent is a movie theater like I am a newspaper box.  

Also, I am the mayor of Storyville. Get your own fucking popcorn, and while you’re at it, ditch Get Satisfaction if you ever want any constructive feedback from your users. What a pain in the ass that is. 

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