Scary Larry
CBS 5 reports that the SFPD has renewed the permit necessary for High Bridge Arms to continue to function as the City's only gun store/Zombie resistance HQ. Despite the efforts of the staunch Pro-Zombie wing, San Francisco shall remain armed with a revolver-touting retail outlet on Mission St.
WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN COLMA, THE DEAD WILL WALK THE EARTH AND WANT MISSION STYLE BURRITOS CON CABEZA DEL HUMANO.
PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONEPreviously on Uptown Almanac
IT COULD HAPPEN HERE!Today, the City will hold a hearing where pro-zombie hoards will undoubtedly attempt to strip High Bridge Arms, a Mission St gun shop, of their permit. As someone with a morbid fear of the zombie apocalypse, I stand firmly against the closing of High Bridge Arms, the City's one and only legal purveyor of firearms.
When the armies of the dead start their long march from Colma to San Francisco, we need High Bridge's cache of firearms on hand for looting. Without them, we'd be left with only novelty swords and ninja stars looted from Chinatown tourist traps. This is just poor city planning. Hopefully 'Gun Tottin Gavin' will step in and initiate a new Zombie Preparedness Initiative with TWELVE GAUGES FOR ALL YALLS.
PROTIP: Don't loot a gun store unless you're sure the owners have either fled or been zombie-fied. Looting gun shops with living owners will result in your ass getting shot off and handed to you, and then re-animating moments later as an ass-less zombie. You n00b.
CHINATOWN IS DOOMED!!!
WILL FUCK 4 BIG MACTHIS IS WHY I LOVE THE SF WEEKLY. Up until last week, I had no idea that the sit-lie law was going to ruin dating and vegan eating in the Haight:
An author named Spencer Walker has written a new guidebook with a section apparently devoted to the San Francisco dating landscape. Titled "Hippie Harlots," the section claims to be a primer on the Haight Ashbury dating scene -- a scene that just may die if visitors aren't allowed to sit or lie down in public anymore.
According to Cook to Bang, the aforementioned primer on home-cooked meals prepared to entice potential dates, Hippie Harlots are found in San Francisco, at ultimate frisbee games, and at Burning Man. And they respond well to fried tofu, writes the author, who admits to "occasionally trolling Haight Ashbury for bohemian booty."
...
Should [Police Chief George Gascon's sit-lie law] pass, the resulting hostility and infringement of civil liberties may make the neighborhood a glum place for hippie hookups. And we might see a decline in Walker's style of cuisine.
So for the sake of everything that's organic and tasty, can't our top cop just leave the Haight be? (LINK)
Spenc sounds like a terrific dude. Cooks to get laid, trolls the homeless for sex. A real casanova. Also, why the hell is sit/lie being morphed into a foodie issue?
(photo by Brant Ward / The Chronicle)
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Give this guy a ring. Services guaranteed to make your adorable cat smile.
If you answered 52 seconds, you're just a hair faster than this industry dirtbag:
This amazing, 720p spectacle is brought to us by Blowing It In San Francisco, which after a mere 2 posts has established itself as a fine San Francisco blog. I mean, this is one epic find: it's some dude pissing outside of BENDER'S BAR AND GRILL while cars wiz past and pedestrians stroll by seemingly unaware. During the motherfucking day.
Who said the Mission can't keep it classy?
Previously on Uptown Almanac
... let's just play a game of chess in the middle of it.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
My iPhone caught me using the land line last night. Fuck off, I need my space.Say what you want about the external antenna. I had to watch a YouTube tutorial to figure out the exact way to hold the iPhone 4 to make it lose bars. Believe me, It wasn't easy and was very, very uncomfortable. The only people this "flaw" could possibly affect are mutant lefties with highly trained kung-fu grips. And if that's how you hold a phone, you're definitely not somebody that I want to shake hands with.
However unnecessary or limited it may be, Face Time is rad. Seriously, this shit is going to revolutionize being pervy on ChatRoulette. Once we have an app for that, you'll be able to connect, look at my face, and then switch to the back camera for a surprise shot of me wanking it. REVOLUTIONARY.
Ladies?
This Sunday head to the North Face Retail Store on Post for what promises to be an exciting occasion.
(photo by Bernal Saints. Thanks Ariel!)
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