Bicycles

Local Cyclist Thwarts Meth Head's Attempt to Steal Bike Parts

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

We all know that photographing bike thieves is nothing new.  The Mission has unmasked Bobby the Bike Thief (who's rumored to have moved to the hilltop oasis of Bernal Heights), mid-Market has its share of crack fiend and pony-tailed thieves, and this stunning beauty was recently exposed by local photographer Adumb Egan.  While SFPD might never make bike thieft a priority, it's always rad to hear about people watching out for these guys and getting people their stolen property back, as Austin Kamps was recently able to do:

Ran into this guy today. I watched him creep around Montgomery street for a while from a distance, until he found “his” bike.

He finds a bike and then pretends to talk on the phone for a few minutes, then takes his tool out and hides it behind his phone while he unscrews and yanks the seat/post. This happened about a block away. After he did that, I followed him a bit and snuck up to him/scared the shit out of him and ripped it from his hands as he was trying to put it in his bag, then i gave him a “nudge” into the street with my foot. We went back and forth for a bit then he ran off. I ended up getting it back to the owner when he came out a few minutes later.  Saddest part was that there were 4 people around him watching him do it, they knew what was happening, they did nothing. If you see something bad happening do something, put your life on hold for a second and help out if you’re able. Don’t let creeps like this ruin someones day.

Word.

[Skinny Fists | photo by Adumb Egan]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Experiments in Poor Decisions: Passing a Cyclist a "Tomato Juice" Out of the Back of a Pickup Truck

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Let's examine this tragedy a little closer:

Saturday morning was a glorious slice of the weekend, full of sunshine, eggs over easy, and far too many Pacificos with some of my closest hungover friends.  After a few minutes of pestering a friend following our early morning alcohol consumption, said friend agreed to take us the length of 24th to Dolores Park in the back of a beat up mid-90s pickup truck.  So armed with some “tomato juices” in to-go cups an area bar fixed for us, we were in the back of the truck and on our way.

While making our way down Valencia, we figured it would be kind and neighborly to dish out drinks to passing cyclists.  The handoff was perfect: a moderate approach to the back of the truck, an extended arm, a firm grab of the bottom of the cup, and the drink is onto the next one.

As the truck barreled down 19th towards the decadence of Dolores Park, the rider took a hearty swig from the juice, proving hangover elixirs and two wheels mix just fine.

But what happened next confounds even the most seasoned cyclists.  Perhaps too many hipster cliches at once threw off his balance because as the thirsty rider attempted to return his right hand to the handlebar, the bike leaned left, foreshadowing a sick biff with the tormented concrete below.

In a desperate attempt to save the beverage from the impending wreckage, the cyclist lunged the drink back towards the truck.  A Herculean effort, no doubt, but Starbucks cups are not known to survive the crushing force of failure.

And splash.

Wayfarer privileges revoked.

Macaframa Goes to SoCal

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Macaframa just wrapped up an edit from a trip to SoCal, featuring everyone's favorite SoCal activities, like barfing, getting tickets for running stop signs, watching dogs shit, bending over and showing police officers your asscrack, and annoying motorists while trying to ride your bike.

Check it.

FUCK THAT BEACHER CRUISER

— By Serg |

I know kevmo's all excited because he saw some janky bullshit ass bike with a springer fork but this is what I was rocking in 1994.

I helped my friends build this 5 wheeler around the same time. We put two 15” cerwins in the back if this thing.

there is no point to this, I'm just bored at work right now.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

This Dude's Bike is Radder Than Your Bike

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I pulled up the corner of Dolores and Dorland yesterday to lock up my bike when my eyes were confronted with this chill ride: a sick spoke lacing pattern, dice on the valve stem, two thirteen pool balls capping off some twisted bars, a fork that says “I appreciate the finer things in life,” and frame geometry that says “fuck you man, I'll get there when I get there.”

I couldn't even bring myself to take the open space on the bike rack, I just locked up to the trashcan to the right.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Check Out the Premiere of "Career Courier" and Drink All the PBR You Want

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Mission Bikes is hosting the premiere of “Career Courier” Sunday evening [6:30 doors / 7:00 film] at The Woman's Building on 18th and Lapidge.  From Mission Bikes' blog:

Career Courier is a deeply personal portrait of 8 real people that have made a career out of bicycle delivery.  It's about risk, freedom, sacrifice, and love.

We'll be screening this new film and presenting “The Making Of” a short presentation by director Kenton Hoppas. Kenton filmed this documentary in 5 cities from coast to coast and will share with us his behind-the-scenes perspective.

Not only do you get to check out the film and rub elbows with the director, but you can apparently put back all the free PBR you want before and during the premiere.  Yessir, all that for 5 bucks if you buy tickets in advance at Mission Bikes' shop or $10 if you buy online or at the door.

Bike Basket Pies rides off into the sunset

— By Alan Fineberg |

Dear, dear friend of ours Natalie Galatzer has been producing and trafficking pies for 2 years via her one-woman company, Bike Basket Pies. But as all good things must end, June is the last month to have cupcake-sized pies delivered via bicycle to your door, dog kennel, dark frightening alley, moving car, or anywhere else a bicycle can go.

Bye, bye, Miss Bike Basket Pie (photo by Andy Smith)

Grinding 50-80 hour weeks for 2 years to run a business by yourself AND work a day job is exhausting. It also deprives you of experiencing first-hand the community you're serving. Natalie is ready to return to saner hours and reconnect with a world which keeps turning as she bakes into the wee hours of morning.

June 29 is the end day to experience a Bike Basket Pie. Try a shaker lemon pie; you may indulge in Meyer lemons foraged from this blogger's own backyard!

Hyper-local lemons

Pie production and trafficking is a jungle. Welcome back, Natalie, to so-called civilization.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Relax, and let the machines do the MILF hunting for you

— By Alan Fineberg |

Here's an (admittedly old) lesson in adding robo-insult to injury:

The MilfHunt twitter bot has no concept for what a MILF may be. The concepts of politeness and consideration are vacant from its instructions. The MilfHunt bot knows only to seek tweets containing “MILF” and retweet these tweets.

Likewise, the bicyclist cares little for politeness or consideration. The bicyclist knows only to identify and declare that which it considers a MILF while riding its fixie about.

The bicyclist and the MilfHunt bot are isomorphs (defined differently, but identical in underlying structure). One is flesh and blood, the other is a set of instructions and signals. A property of isomorphs is that each one can perform the same function as its other isomorphs.

The MilfHunt bot may well have been invented by a MILF-hunting “hipster with a fixie” living in San Francisco.

Which do you think will become obselete first?

 

 

 

[thanks Z for the tweet!]

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