This is probably the mother of all groupons: $49 bucks for X-Rays, Consultation, and Teeth Cleaning! If you have insurance, fuck you stop reading and never come back. If you don't, this is a damn good deal. Get your teef cleaned, I'm tired of the denizens of this fine city looking like extras in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?. Seriously, what is this place and lack of pride in personal hygiene and appearance? Ladies, get thee to a salon and men, please acquaint yourself with a razor because shit is getting unruly. Time to take back the streets, San Francisco. And by the streets, I mean your crotchular region.
Nancy Pelosi is married to a meterosexual! Or homosexual! I mean, do you really think the HBiC could be married to a man who isn't doing it with other men? Who knows, who cares, best "news" "story" EVER. If my husband was buying my clothes and styling the shit out of me, the least I could do in return is let him do it with other men. Of course, I get to watch and at the same time, he should be feeding me pizza and keeping my trough of dark and stormy's full. Also, FOOT MASSAGES! Cathy, CAN I GET A WITNESS!? You know what I'm talking about, girl.
Fucking kettle korn? We're standing in long lines for kettle korn in this town? And kettle korn with a "k"? Nu-metal kettle korn? This isn't a carnival. You have other options, ladies and gentlemen.
I really want to say that this isn't around the corner from Wang Insurance. I mean, I really want to say that. But I can't, because this is around the corner from Wang Insurance.
As T.S. Eliot once said, "I don't believe one grows older. I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates."
And as some idiot on the internet once said, "hah hah hah wiener jokes! I stagnated at 12."
I don't like to flambost to much either but fuck all those other cornball bay videos, here's the new 40 water jump off with Stressmatic of Federation on the hook. Peep the One Block Radius tshirt (Hi Z-Man!). It's a better look for Stress than that terrible mixtape he made for Sacramento skateboard and bmx kids. Some claim it's a return to form for 40 but I'm undecided, we'll see how the final version of Revenue Retrieving actually ends up. Although this and the video with turf give me hope, stylistically 40 is taking it back to his more aggressive fluctuations which is great but I'm always suspicious that we'll end up with half an album of soft rap.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Bike Snob NYC alerts us to a ridiculous how-to video shot in Dolores Park. Of course, anyone who has ever actually ridden a bike in the bay knows that bike thieves will just bust your rear triangle to parts your bike out. NEXT.
That sait, someone who is cool points out the obvious.
What a rad twitter handle. I think I'm going to change mine to kevinisabloggerthatnoonereadsandismildlyinteresting. Dang, it's too long.
I'll by busy TRAMPOLINING (is that a word? what's google??) for the next ten thousand years on the new giant trampolines in the presidio. Yes, giant trampolines in San Francisco. I'm about to be fat, white, and high as a kite! Those dudes know what I'm talking about! Let's do this!
SF Appeal has all the details, per usual.
I guess boy bands realize that they can't film everything in a Los Angeles sound studio and since LA is ugly as shit, they had to travel up here for some hot video. In related news, both of these songs are THE JAM.
JT is all, "Osha Thai is so tasty you see, bring more of that pad thai to meeeeee...." I don't know, I'm cracking up over here, that shot is amazing. Also, he looks just like Joey from Blossom right there. WHOA!
Full video amazingness below:
Et tu, 98 Degrees!??
Nice 98º tattoo on your arm, bro. Bet that aged well.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS:
I can never look at the bay in the same way again. This just totally ruined sex for me. Yes, that's how I do sex. Let your mind run wild, enjoy the show!
Hat tip to the incomparable Eddo!