(DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT, PRETEND THE TRICYCLE IS A CAR)
(All legit info bitten directly from the 'professional' journalists at KTVU; read some real news coverage here)
KTVU (try saying that out loud without following it up with a “FOX 2!”) is reporting that a motorist went on a rampage in the Mish and Potrero Hill tonight. Four cyclists were the victims of consecutive hit and run attacks, presumably by the same aggbro. Emergency response units were first called in at 9:45pm. SFPD Lt. Lyn Tomioka told KTVU that the assaults occurred at the following locations:
- 2700 block of Harrison.
- 2800 block of 24th.
- Intersection of 23rd and Pennsylvania.
- 17th and Missouri.
Three of the cyclists have been hospitalized and all are expected to survive. The perp fled on foot like a little bitch after the 17th and Missouri assault. Alright Mission, grab your pitchforks and find this douchebag, he's out there hurting people and giving us armchair haters a bad name. Feel free to submit any sketches/artist renderings of the suspect to us at mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
In light of these events and out of respect for the victims I'm asking for a moment of silence, a 40oz of Colt 45 to be spilt at each location, and a full 24 hours without any 'fixie' jokes. I'm looking at you Kevin.
(Author's note: In all seriousness, I hope everyone is okay. Let's hope this fucktard gets caught and prosecuted quickly.)
One time I thought Jim Morrison was my spirit animal. Then I remembered that I was 14, not on drugs and just dancing shirtless in front of my 8th grade history class. This worried my parents a lot.
Artist my rendering of Uptown reader Josh Constine)
So there’s an art opening at Cafe Royale this Thursday called “Hipster Apocalypse,” and reading about it I’m just like….ughhhhhhh. I mean, read the description:
Ironically, although hipsters have existed in one form or another for decades, the hipster movement has become more main stream, influencing the American status quo by supporting alternative art, music, and fashion. Like an epidemic of entitlement, the hipster condition has spread across America and over the seas to Japan and other countries susceptible to American culture. We see hipsters every day riding their fixed-gear bicycles on their way to studying film at local art schools. They drink the most expensive coffee and the cheapest beer. Imagine a world where alternative culture is pop culture; a world where Vampire Weekend plays the half time show at the Super Bowl instead of Bruce Springsteen; a world where stores selling used records and clothing are as large and as common as Walmart. The purpose of this show is to create awareness of the hipster way and the rise in demand for outrageous moustaches, vacuum sealed jeans, high-school sports tee shirts, and the over-consumption of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Now, (TAKING ALL OF MY STRENGTH TO OVERLOOK THEIR USE OF THE WORD IRONIC) I don’t generally drink Pabst because I have taste buds, but I do a lot of hipstery things like not eating meat and loving boys with ironic facial hair. And I’m just tired of the term “hipster”. It feels like 20-somethings are divided into “hipsters” and “bros and beezies,” and they’re supposed to hate each other and be condescending towards each other and blah blah blah. And at this point I'm like WHO CARES. We all grew up with a sense of entitlement because most of us were born to upper middle class white people who coddled us and told us we were “special” while rearing us in suburbia and sending us to SAT prep classes because we were “destined to succeed.” Some of us embraced this upbringing, moved to the Marina, and continued to live off of the emotional and financial support of our parents. Others were like, “wait, but I’m different and I want people to know I’m different and SO not like my parents,” so they moved to the Mission and liked the same things everyone else liked, like second-hand flannel and oversized glasses, while continuing to live off of the emotional and financial support of our parents. So I guess my whole point is…don’t point the finger at hipsters for this culture of entitlement sweeping over the helpless nation “like an epidemic.” It’s my whole goddamned generation, and you created us.
That said, I'm sure it's all very lovely art (UNICORNS! RAAAAAINBOWS!!), and the reception goes from 8pm-midnight. make up your own minds, you goddamned conformists.
Check out yet another amazing documentary from California is a place. This time about about a 20-year-veteran car salesman from a non-defunct Alameda car-lot.
Once upon a time, he was a local celebrity. He earned his nickname after doing a tv commercial for a Round Table pizza named The Big Vinny. For over twenty years, he was the face and voice of a successful used car business in small town Alameda. He sold and he sold and he sold and Californians drove away happy. Today, everything has changed. The business is dead. The lots sit empty. Big Vinny is out of work. But he still remembers the good times.
I love that Bender's is trying to bring back the seitan but, honestly, I just miss the deep fried seitan of pre-2010. Well, Weird Fish figured out that people hated their new menu and almost completely reverted. Waco Tacos, Buffalo Girls, Seitan Fish n' Chips and sweet potato fries. FUCK YES. I was so excited, I ate 4.5 burritos / 13 PBRs / 2 track bike chains worth of food. WORTH IT.
Saw this snail on Capp St. today. Thought it was totally adorable but figured you jackasses would be all “wtf, why is there a goddamn snail on this goddamn blog?” Therefore, I augmented the snail for your entertainment.
I know what you're thinking: Dang Kevin, that's one ugly flyer! And it is one ugly flyer, but if you don't have a
fixie, ahem, track bike (all the cool kids don't call them fixies anymore), you should roll to Box Dog and save 20%. That's like beer at Bender's for a week! Score!