Mission Predictions For 2013

Well, that's it, folks. 2012 has been over for multiple days, and what a year it was.  Woody Allen came to town and made us feel all warm and tingly in our lap parts, the Giants won the World Series, also making us feel all warm and tingly in our lap parts, Jesus himself brought Old Style into various Mission bars, rents only went up 29%, we put Cheetos in burritos (delicious!), and SFPD rudely kicked our beloved beer salespeople out of Dolores Park.

Come to think of it, 2012 was a pretty medium year.

But 2013!  A whole 365 days of triskaidekaphobia-inducing possibility.  What will the year hold for our small chunk of San Francisco?  The team here at Uptown Almanac (and a few of our friends) tackle that very question.

I'm up first:

  • Mark Zuckerberg packs up his flip-flops and moves to Oakland, noting “The Mission has changed, man.”
  • Oakland moves to Fremont.
  • Locals vote to change the name of “Dear Mom” to “Dear Lord Have Mercy.”
  • Jello Biafra caves and launches a pirate-themed synth pop project, The Dread Kennedys.
  • Bi-Rite introduces “Dolores Park Bathroom” ice cream flavor, people eat it anyway.
  • In an effort to boost employee morale, Google replaces notorious fleet of shuttles with a carefully curated, rotating armada of food trucks.
  • Every empty storefront to be replaced with a Chase Bank.
  • Chicken John assumes the middle name “And Waffles.”
  • We'll go two damn months before some stupid flash-mob pops-up and ruins my entire year.


  • Owners and employees of the more 'legitimate' taquerias in the Mission, finally having taken enough, form a vigilante mob and destroy Tacolicious, The Little Chihuahua, and other high-end Mexican restaurants in what will be known as 'TacoNacht'. Police will stand around “unable” to stop the carnage.
  • Due to “shitty dusty weather - seriously, what were we thinking?,” Burning Man relocates to Dolores Park. Projected camp sponsors include “Drum Circle Weirdos,” “Gross Dubstep Guy,” “Cold Beer / Cold Water” and “Dogs.”
  • By the end of 2013, the sidewalks of SOMA to be officially replaced with a city-approved mix of discarded socks and poop. While residents are initially resistant to the idea, this surface absorbs broken auto-glass easily, and the city moves quickly to expand pilot programs on the basis of public safety.

Alan F:

  • The average character length of bar names increases threefold.
  • DJ Purple to headline The Knockout.


  • During Dolores Park renovations, ecologists testing the soil will discover “Dolo mud” is actually not mud at all, but a mixture of spilled beer, burrito stubs, cannabis crumbs and fecal matter.
  • Due to the Valencia restaurant moratorium, would-be restauranteurs will be forced to vend their purportedly artisanal wares from late night street carts, resulting in organic Scottish/Ethiopian fusion vegan sandwiches being peddled alongside the stalwart churros and bacon-wrapped hotdogs.
  • Muni will still suck.

Sierra Frost:

  • Chris Owens from Girls quits his new solo project to pursue a band with literally no members.
  • Tasteland, a new recycled taste store to open on Valencia where newcomers can buy the record collections, art, and clothing of the people they've priced out of the neighborhood.
  • A Mr. 24th Street competition to be held for charity. Proceeds go to anyone who doesn't have an iPhone yet.
  • Zuckerberg quits Facebook to open a bar. Facebar.
  • Production slated for MTV's newest reality show, “Valencia Dads: The New VD!” VD follows the high-drama, deeply entangled beards of SF's wealthy young procreators. Filming locations to include: a traumatizing trip to Paxton Gate's taxidermy emporium, shopping for nice vintage leather-bound baby stuff/infant poetry reading at Viracocha, divorce court.
  • Allan Hough quits Mission Mission to found Mission Mission Mission: A blog about bicycles riding bicycles and taco-flavored cupcake parrots. RSVP and invite your friends!
  • SF's tourism department launches new “Coffee Tasting Tours” in the Mission (this isn't a joke and a 100% real prediction).

[Photo by Holly Allen]