pinball
I know we tend to use the NSFW label somewhat liberally, but this video is most definitely NSFW, so if you work at Focus on the Family or whatever, you probably shouldn't press play:
My inner 12-year-old boy (who am I kidding? my outer 27-year-old boy) is crying from laughter right now. I really feel like the manufacturer understands how nice it is to cool down after you get all heated up playing a game.
Anyway, is Kink.com ever going to reopen that bar they bought? Because, well... yeah.
[via Bay Area Pinball]
Previously on Uptown Almanac
That's right, at some point in the last few weeks, Bender's scored themselves a Dirty Harry pinball machine, so now you can partake in all your favorite San Francisco activities like getting into 'car chases' and 'raiding warehouses' and 'shooting serial killers in the fucking chest'. All while drinking PB&J's!
And should you not be excited enough to run over to the bar with a messenger bag full of quarters, watch the 80s-tastic promotional video they made for this machine. The first minute or so is so goddamn ridiculous, you'll swear you're watching some bizarre fetish porno in which some giant hairdo gets bent over the machine and fucked by a police horse wearing Ray-Bans.
It's been 1 year, 7 months, and 29 days since Bender's took their famed deep fried seitan off their menu. We mourned its loss, went to Weird Fish for a seitan fixed, we even cooked up a batch at home, but none of that was ever the same as putting back 12 bucks worth of wheat gluten on a table made out of fake driver's licenses while being surrounded by the signage of deceased San Francisco businesses. Dark times.
Well, worry no more because Bender's is getting the band back together. It's got a new name, and there's even a BBQ spin-off, but it's still the same seitan we've all come to know and love covered in Frank's RedHot.
And as if Bender's needed anything else to get me in the door, they just got a new pinball machine and recently started selling 16s of King Cobra--The Binge Drinker's Malt Liquor--for three bucks.
Apparently the 2010 sign was so aweosme, that Coachella just reused it again this year.Local pinball ninja assassin type and San Francisco resident, Matt W., hit it big while camping at Coachella this past weekend. After entering the 4th annual Coachella Campground Pinball Campionship for shits n giggles, Matt went on to demolish the competition and win the grand prize; a pair of VIP tickets to Coachella 2012. The face-value alone of those tickets is worth more than what most Coachella attendees make in a week. Lucky, lucky bastard.
This year's competition sported some RAD vintage machines (pic via Getty Images).When I spoke with Matt, an old college friend, it turned out that he had been a ringer for the competition all along. Prevously unknown to me, Matt has been haunting the machines at Haight St and Mission District bars for the last year or so. When asked what his secret was, Matt chalked it up to the following:
"I usually play at Molotov's cause they have two machines in good shape and a good happy hour, sometimes at Shotwell's for the same reasons. Its all about practice and performance enhancing drugs."
Now that he knows the greatness of his powers, I fear that Matt will begin sharking unsuspecting pinball enthusiasts and dive bar patrons for their cash. Look out San Francisco.
Matt W., tearing it up.
While we're on the topic of maps, I'd like to take this chance to remind everyone about this necessary Google Map project some dude named Timothy is running. He's out there mapping all the pinball machines in SF the eastern half of SF, which is a crucial set of data for assholes like me with washer and dryer in-unit and an excess of quarters. All the bars are fairly up-to-date with reviews of the machine's condition and cost breakdowns.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Last time I was at Alameda's Pacific Pinball Museum, I failed to notice this 1964 William's pinball machine themed around our prime city. Certainly the machine was fun to play, but the artwork by then Chicago-based game manufacture was real highlight. Ignoring the fact that they depicted the Golden Gate Bridge as having four towers, the city is essentially represented as Chinatown with a harbor, cable cars and white women dancing in the streets.
From what I understand, this sort of racist and misogynist imagery wasn't uncommon in older pinball machines. After all, these machines were made to be played in the back of seedy, smoke-filled bars by all sorts of disreputable badasses. And, you know, what kind of self-respecting badass wouldn't want to look at a caricature of Chinese person while smacking a ball around with flippers. Even so, this machine exemplifies how SF was marketed in the 50's and early 60's: experience the exotic wonders of 'the Orient' while riding the cable cars and scoring 10 points when lit.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
If you really needed another reason to visit Doc's Clock, they recently got their hands on a brand new Indiana Jones pinball machine. Like, BRAND NEW. Fresh out of the box. As any other Bay Area pinball snob can tell you, this is a BIG FUCKING DEAL because most pinball machines in this city are BROKEN PIECES OF SHIT. Anyway, this machine not only works, which is generally qualification enough, but also has magnets and an epic multiball (see video below).
Plus, if you are lucky, you might also stumble across a guy wearing an Indiana Jones hat playing the machine.
#TEAM_UppyAlmy has been invited to participate in this invitation pinball tournament (FUNDING THE KEEP-A-BREAST FOUNDATION PEOPLE!), so naturally it is my privilege to invite you to come watch us suck at pinball. PBR and REBEL8 are going to provide ping pong, pinball machines and some tacos for non-competitors, so it ought to be a good time.
The event is open to the public, so I highly encourage inviting as many friends as possible, particularly for the purpose of cheerleading. We will also have 200 limited edition tees and posters by Mike Giant (who will also be doing a live piece), all for the ridiculously low price of $20, as well as the El Tonayense Taco Truck (I will provide some freebie tacos) and “refreshments”, so bring cash! I am not charging for the tournament, but would love if everybody made a small donation to Keep A Breast.
...
TEAMS CONFIRMED: HUF, Benny Gold, FTC, Medicine Agency, Workshop, Bender’s, Fecal Face, Rebel8, 330 Ritch, Evergold/SFAQ, Self Edge, Bro Palace, 111 Minna, Indie Mart, #TEAM_UppyAlmy
As I mentioned, we’ll have the Taco Truck there, as well as ping pong and other games for the general public. Machines will also be open to public for free play after the tournament has wrapped up, so please encourage all your friends to come out.
I went to Rock Make last year and it was a pretty quality time (and free). I was able to purchase a tshirt with a pigeon screen-printed on it, so that is a huge one up.
As you probably know The Bay Bridged is hosting our 3rd Annual Rock Make Street Festival THIS Sunday, August 22nd in the Mission District. There will be 15 local and kids rock bands, 100 arts vendors, beer gardens, comedians, jumpy houses, animal demonstrations and more!
ANIMAL DEMONSTRATIONS PEOPLE.
The more time I spend in Dirty Thieves, the more I love it. As previously mentioned, they stock one of the best goddamn whiskeys that I've tasted, their bathroom is almost always out of order (not that any self-respecting person would shit in a Mission bar), and their bartenders are world-class. But recently, they've really stepped their game up:
- They got the Twilight Zone pinball machine, which is supposedly one of the "most complex" machines every designed.
- The other night there was a large gathering of single strangers meeting up from "the internet" to form "physic connections."
- Their clientele has an excellent choice in music (via playing the entirety of 36 Chambers on the jukebox).
That said, they charge $4 for Coors, so fuck those bastards.
Update: Coors is only $3!
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Since I spend about as much time in Alameda as I do sober, I had never heard of the Pacific Pinball Museum before. Then hell froze over and a sidebar ad on Facebook told my friends and I to check the place out. Being the pinball addict that I am, I might be a little biased in saying THIS PLACE FUCKING RULES. Seriously, I spent 3 hours there and the only reason I wanted to leave was that my feet started hurting from standing up so long. They have something like 90 pinball machines that you can play as much as you want for $15. Best of all? It's in Alameda, which is basically an Alcatraz for yupsters and pinball machines. It strikes me as a lovely place dump a body or get a blowjob behind the bleachers. ANYWAYS. There is a pinball machine about food fighting. It even has dancing cacti (pictured below). 'nuff said. Check it out.
Recent comments
17 min 30 sec ago
2 hours 28 min ago
3 hours 7 min ago
4 hours 33 min ago
5 hours 1 min ago
6 hours 15 min ago
6 hours 27 min ago
6 hours 58 min ago
6 hours 59 min ago
7 hours 1 min ago