Mr. Mission

Mr. Dipshit

Mr. Mission Competition Promoters Happen to be Homophobic

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I’ve been receiving some flack for calling the Mr. Mission Competition (which also happens to be a fundraiser for the respectable Leukemia Lymphoma Society) “obnoxious.”  The argument, as it has been argued, is that it’s a fundraiser for cancer research, so the organizers deserve a pass no matter how lame of an idea it might be.  CLASH SF’s illustrator, Stacey Toth, even went so far as to draw up a lovely illustration depicting me as a monkey under the headline “People Like to be Mean.”

And maybe they’re right.  Maybe an awkward, highly-suspect competition run by bros and burners and marketing types deserves that pass because it’s raising money for a good cause.  And if my criticism was in any way interpreted as discouraging people from donating to cancer research, I offer my sincerest apologies.

However, when the promoters essentially call people ‘faggots’ for criticizing them, it gives me pause.  Are these people really noble do-gooders hoping to rid the world of cancer, one questionable event at the time? Or are they just out-of-touch, backwards-thinking homophobic pricks capitalizing on a culture for self-promotion?

I’ll leave you to be the judge of that.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Obnoxious "Mr. Mission" Contest to Crown Douchiest Hipster in the Hood; Please Nominate Me

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

In the escalation of the Mission vs Marina culture wars, Mission hipsters have inadvertently become what they despise.  Oh yes, in response to the douche-ladden Mr. Marina contest (which I most certainly plan on attending while wildly twisted on bourbon), some internet randoms are hosting a Mr. Mission Competition in which guys who look vaguely like hipsters kiss their arms n' stuff.

From the event's description:

Perhaps you know someone you’d like to nominate who…

  • Always ends a big night at Taqueria Cancun
  • Spends at least 1/3 of his life basking at Dolores Park
  • Is on a first name basis with the waiters at Mission Chinese
  • Sports a mustache more ironic than a black fly in your chardonnay
  • Immediately gets passed a spliff when he sits down at Revolution Cafe
Your Mr. Mission candidate doesn’t have to live in the Mission but does need to embrace the true essence of the neighborhood. He will have to outperform the other candidates in a series of intense tests, trivia, and activities. There will be 3 judges to impress and scoring will be dependent upon fundraising success as well; each candidate will fundraise for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in order to participate.

Wait, Revolution Cafe?  Does anyone who's not homeless even go to Revolution Cafe?

If you're anything like me (cynical asshole), this competition is seems suspect as fuck.  And for good reason:

These are the “people” putting on the competition.  A bunch of bros, yuppies, and burners: San Francisco's 'other' white demographics. This is literally coming from a company that makes their money by hosting 80s themed adult scavenger hunts.

HOWEVER, this is what you get if you win the competition:

In addition to becoming a local celebrity and acquiring more booty calls than he can shake a stick at, Mr. Mission will be celebrated by local businesses in the form of a Mr. Mission cocktail featured at Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem, a Mr. Mission ice-cream flavor featured at Bi-Rite Creamery and a Mr. Mission coffee blend at Ritual.

I cannot lie; I too would demean myself and dress like a horrible person to get an ice cream flavor named after me/solicited for sex on a random occasion.  So please nominate me for the Mr. Mission Competition; I can out-asshole these kids any day of the week.

UPDATE: The 'sponsors'/webhosts are also kinda homophobs.  Yikes.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: