Jello Biafra

Jello Biafra to do DJ Pop-Up at Oldie's Night

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you're like me, you scroll right past the low-rent and low-effort promotions hawked on Mission Mission, but this week's blast for Primo's Oldie's Night is worthy of everyone's attention: former Dead Kennedy's frontman and Green Party presidential candidate Jello Biafra will follow in John Avalos footsteps and guest DJ this week's edition of Oldie's Night.  And since Jello grew up when Oldie's Night material dominated the radio charts, we trust it'll be a helluva show.

Anyway, its admission is priced at Not Nearly Enough and goes down at 9pm this Friday at Knockout.

RSVP and invite your oh whatever…

[via Mission Mission]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

8-Bit Mission

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

If you nerds haven't already heard, Google's big April Fool's joke was to make their maps all 8-bit NES like.  And they totally pranked me; I woke up this morning terrified I entered into some sort of Hot Tub Time Machine situation after attending a questionable hot tub party at Jello Biafra's condo.

Turns out everything is cool—good on you Google (and bad on you, Jello Biafra—everyone agreed the “you”-themed Jell-O shots were in bad taste!).  Even Google's directions still work:

So if you need me, my bros and I will be at my house trading Pogs.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Pop Culture Icon Jello Biafra Wants to Chase Twits Down Valencia Street With a Chainsaw

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Jello Biafra, the pudgy 50-something San Francisco punk rocker-turned-politician-turned-old-punk rocker famous for starting the Dead Kennedys some thirty years ago, is still hella bummed out about the late-90s gentrification in the Mission and rich people living in SF.  Why?  Because dot com yuppies are pushing artists and workers out of the city, turning “Kook City” into a “Dot com Monte Carlo.”  Sure, he might be right, but the lyrics to the first track on Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine's upcoming EP are particularly amusing, if not downright crazy:

Where did they come from Why are they here? Hi-tech piranhas With Bluetooth barnacle ears
Living breathing biohazards
Spit their money in everyone's face
Worship all these shitty indie-pop bands
Babies in cigar bars
Trying to play Gatsby

They want us gone
Close the clubs
We might disturb their lofts

Dot com Monte Carlo
Dot com Monte Carlo

Where's the gangs in the Mission
When you need em?
How 'bout some yuppie drive-bys
For a change?

Never knew geeks
Could be so damn mean
Artists and workers
Bulldozed out by the thousands
Can't afford to be black
Or teach school in this town
My vet had to relocate
To his garage

Where can we go
Oakland, then the Portland, then L.A.?
Their Gold Rush immolated like Pompeii
But they're back!

Dot com Monte Carlo
Yuppie San Francisco
Nowhere left to go
We got news for you

Kook City
Proud of it
You and Nancy Pelosi
Can go straight to hell

Valet parking signs on Valencia
Wanna chase those twits
Down the street with a chainsaw
Trespass their restaurants
Swipe the food off their plates
Til' they hit me
Then smear them with honey
And release thousands of bees

Look at the giant middle finger
They put up by the Bay Bridge
50 floors of luxury condos
Just for them
They're trying to put up more and more
On slippery landfill
So when the big quake comes
We'll drink a toast
Dance in the streets
And watch it all fall down

Timber
Timber
Timber… Die!

Having Mission gangs murder yuppies?  Chasing down twits who use valet parking on Valencia Street (sidenote: is there any valet parking on Valencia?) with a chainsaw before smothering them in honey and releasing a swam of bees on them?  Who does Jello think he is? Inspectah Deck?

Anyway, Ian S. Port of the SF Weekly notes this song is nothing new:

“Dot Com Monte Carlo” has been in the band's live show for a bit now, but its first recorded release will be on the new Enhanced Methods of Questioning EP, due out on Alternative Tentacles May 31 (available earlier online). Check out a visual sample [embedded above], and note the utterly creepy way in which Jello nods to the crowd at the end.

Sadly, there hasn't been any sightings of an old white dude weezing his way through The Summit with a chainsaw, so despite Jello's crazy eyes, don't count on a holocaust of Range patrons happening anytime soon.