don't make fun of my photoshopping skillz

Three's Company: Marina Fist Pump Edition

— By Zach Perkins |

This artist's rendering is 99.9% accurate.  You would have to be a Michael Cera sized pussy to agree to be this pair's man-boy butler.

This Craigslist ad calls for a single, non-sexually active, financially well-off male to provide two fist pumping Marina girls with alcohol, carry them home while drunk, and cook for them.  It's also another interesting example of Marina kids choosing to involve grammar/spelling in their roommate choices.  

No deposit?  Carnivorous, alcoholic, busty nudist rommates?  An LMFAO reference?    

'Definitley' interested. 

 

Looking for young professional GUY roommate in 3 bedroom 2 bath apt. 
 
Room is master with bath included. $1,100 per month. 
 
Who we are: 
 
24 & 25 year old females 
 
Petite brunettes with a whole lotta boob. 
 
We share a bathroom, and sometimes shower 
 
Must be okay with female nudity 
 
Work in SF
 
We like shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots… and meat 
 
 
Who YOU are: 
 
27-30ish year old male 
 
Non-rapist, non-creeper, non-short, non pet owner, non ugly, non smoker, non druggie (this includes weed at home), non slut (girlfriend welcome, slut parade not welcome) 
 
Over 6’ tall 
 
Not the tallest of your friends 
 
Active and probably strong enough to carry us both home at the same time at 2am (think bis and tris like the Hulk, a smile like Cristiano Ronaldo) 
 
A college graduate 
 
EMPLOYED (9-5 regular job, no moonlighting) 
 
Able to spell the word “definitely” 
 
Like buying us alcohol and getting us drunk 
 
An overall real good time 
 
Roommate Questions: 
 
1) Word association: 
G 
 
2) Fill in the blank 
___HOT*___ Carl [*editor's note]
 
3) Multiple choice: 
-Music 
-Dancing 
-Dancing to music 
 
4) True or False, you know how to cook without using the microwave: 
 
5) You will fill our DVR with: 
a. Sports 
b. Whale Wars 
c. Jersey Shore 
d. Porn 
 
6) Do you listen to nature noises at night? 
 
***SEND picture with response (we ARE using the checklist above) 
 
***All submissions will be considered*** 
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Fellow humans, take heed.

— By CP |

motherfuckin beeThe peace treaty is OVER. Following the great bee sting incident of 1993, wherein I sat on a bee, got stung on my leg and had to wait four hours to find a pharmacy open in Patra on a Sunday so I could buy antihistamine, bees and I had an agreement. While initially upon encountering bees the most appropriate reaction seemed to be running around, flailing my arms and screaming like a banshee, I later learned that the easiest way to indicate my harmlessness was to stop, drop and play dead. I accommodated them. And the bees knew this meant not to sting me.

You might recall that the Mission is suddenly rampant with bees. Well, on Sunday it came to my attention that, not only are they overrunning our neighborhood, they have a newfound aggression toward Dolores Park chilling enthusiasts. I was leaving DP after spending a few hours drinking Korbel and eating chocolate (unoffensive). I was enjoying nature and not bothering anyone. This, apparently, was really irritating to one particular bee that decided, FOR NO GOOD REASON, to land on my leg and deposit a stinger so gigantic that I didn’t even need tweezers to pull it out. What the shit did I do to deserve that?! Nothing. I would love to think the insect committed suicide on my leg and cannot harm another park goer but it’s not true. It is still out there and it told all its bee friends about you and it WILL come after you, whether you have it coming or not.

To be clear, there is no actual reward for catching the culprit, but our deal is off the table and it’s now open season on bees. I highly encourage you to find it and/or its buddies. Sting or be stung.