CRAZY ALERT: Proposed Amendment to Allow Any Asshole to Appeal Any Event

This is so fucked I'm just going to let this email we received from Dana Ketcham speak for itself:

I want to alert you to a proposed charter amendment that the Board of Supervisors will be considering in a hearing at 10 am on Friday on the 2nd Floor of City Hall. I apologize for the late notice but I just learned about the hearing.

This amendment would potentially allow any event permit issue by San Francisco Rec and Parks Dept. to be appealed  by any member of the public that opposes the permit. The appeal would go to the Board of Appeals (a lengthy process). This amendment could make it extremely difficult to do events because:

  1. Any permit could be appealed by anyone. Basically every park in this city has at least one vocal neighbor that does not want events at the park. This includes Justin Hermann, Union Square, Golden Gate Park, Dolores and many others.  In addition, there are other park groups who oppose events in parks in general.
  2. There is no time frame on the appeal process so you would have an appeal pending making it impossible to plan for your event. If the Board of Appeals does not hear the appeal, you can proceed with it but it would be uncertain if it would get to your appeal. We know the months of planning that goes into the events.

We believe that all of you do valuable work on a number of types of events ranging from fun events in our parks to fund-raisers for not for profit organizations to cultural celebrations.  These would be curtailed.

As part of the permit process with SFRPD, SFRPD works hard with each of you to be responsive to members of the community and their concerns and ask each of you to do community outreach as part of the permit process to address their concerns. If there are significant issues SFRPD tries to resolve them and if necessary takes the permit to the Recreation and Park Commission.

I urge you or the organizations you represent to appear at this hearing to learn about this proposal and to express your views. The meeting is at 10 am on Friday in the 2nd Floor of City Hall. The best thing is if you can appear in person . If you can not, I urge you to email the members of the Board of Supervisors who are on the Committee that are hearing this appeal. They are:

If this proceeds it will be a ballot initiative on the November ballot. It would also provide the members of the Recreation and Park Commission would be appointed in part by the Board of Supervisors.

TRAGIC: Crackpots SUCCESSFULLY Block Improved Cellphone Service for Dolores Park

Remember back when we laughed at a completely ludicrous protest of NIMBY neighbors claiming that making cellphones work in the northwest corner of the Mission would hurt the children?  Well, guess what, the protest actually fucking worked.  In spite of the fact there is no scientific proof backing their claims that the celltower would cause you to turn into a swamp monster, T-Mobile backed down and withdrew their permit application.

From known neighborhood troll Gideon Kramer:

As you may know, T-Mobile applied for a permit to install a cell phone tower in the spire of St. Matthew's Episcopal Church, 3281 16th St., across from Mission Dolores. Neighbors very concerned about the adverse health effects of radiofrequency microwave emissions from cellphone towers (see if interested in learning more) [ED NOTE: Any site that is called “Discover Real Answers”  or “RON PAUL FORUMS” and ends in .shtml IS NOT TO BE FUCKING TRUSTED], especially in the vicinity of so many schools as we have here in the Mission Dolores neighborhood, protested, and did so successfully.

We just learned that T-Mobile has withdrawn its application. Congratulations to all who made this happen.

Congratulations to all who made this happen.  You're all officially tools.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to smoke a parliament, drink Jameson all night, eat fast food, microwave a frozen dinner, call someone on my cellphone without using a headset, sit out in the sun without a shirt on all day, and cover myself in bugspray because I heard it was going to be a really bad year for mosquitos.

One of your precious fucking children

THE BATTLE OF BROS ICING BROS: News from the Frontlines against the Axis of Ice

San Francisco!  A call to arms!  

The Battle against icing is no longer just at our doorsteps; a vile invasion from our shallower neighbors to the South.  No my friends, it is being fought right here in our very streets and sadly we are losing.  From Bay to Breakers to SOMA startups, to the Palo Alto palace of Facebook HQ, the bros of the Axis of Ice are swiftly moving from viral meme to being fully entrenched as a cultural institution.  

Yesterday, the Resistance against icing received intel from Gawker agents that none other than Mein Zückerberg himself was spotted icing one of his employees; the two-first-name-having Firefox founder Blake Ross.  It has also been known for some time that the douche-repository site Office Icing was created and run by San Francisco tech-marketing startup [NAME REDACTED]. 

While there were momentary celebrations of victory when Bros Icing Bros appeared to have retreated from battle, new intel reports that this retreat is temporary and that Bros Icing Bros will soon return as a fully funded startup in what is sure to be a 'Blitzkrieg of Bro'.  Estimates of our potential casualties were not yet available at the time of this broadcast. 

We are not safe San Francisco.  Simply refusing to participate is no longer enough to repel the Axis of Ice.  We must fight back with our own memes.  We at the Resistance have created these icing alternatives to aid you in the good fight. 

Bros Flasking Bros: Jameson preferred. 


Bros Ricing Bros: Rice-A-Roni's profits are in the toilet, help a fallen SF icon.


Actually that's just fucking retarded, never mind. 


Can also be done in conjunction with any alternative above.


Bros Tazing Bros.  

REMINDER: We're Getting Shitfaced For Charity TONIGHT @ Shotwell's

I walked into Shotwell's last night shortly after tweeting that someone was willing to give The Bay Citizen $300 if I bartended without my shirt on, which was an obvious attempt to subvert my sex life but whatever, and was immediately told that “Neither you, nor Zach, nor Kristen, nor anyone can do this without their shirt on.”  So, my dreams of making Shotwell's into an unattractive hipster Coyote Ugly for a night is shattered, but we'll still be raising 'mad money' for The Bay Citizen, because if they keep paying their CEO $400,000 a year, they're going to go broke.  We'll also be chanting BEAT LA until the Celtics take home the gold and then my inner Boston will come out.  See you at 8pm!

The Dirty:
Thursday, June 17th, 8pm-11
3349 20th St. @ Shotwell, 94110

There's also a facebook thingy here but whatever.

Bikes in Bodegas

I really enjoy this sign for a multitude of reasons:

  1. The mere presence of this sign implies that people bringing bikes into this Valencia and Duboce bodega was either frequent, obnoxious or both.
  2. The owner turned letters into arrows.
  3. The owner clearly had to amend the sign with an additional “THIS POINT,” hinting that cyclists didn't understand the sign the first time around.
  4. Blocking the lottery table with bikes is a-okay.
  5. This store seemed to have a surplus of tallcans.  Coincidence?  I think not.

An Open Letter to Unemployment

This is what unemployment looks like.

I initially wrote this and sent it to the McSweeney's folks to be considered for their Open Letters section. I did so a while ago when I first thought I was losing my unemployment, but then they gave me another extension (yay!). Now that I'm slowly making a better and better living as a freelance writer, I believe my time with unemployment will very soon be over. And since this letter is too long—and probably not GOOD ENOUGH—to be posted on McSweeney's website, the Almy gets my leftovers.

Long live freeloading!


Dear Unemployment,

You probably wouldn't know it to look at how close we are now, but I was quite frightened of you at first. I had just been wrongfully ejected from one of the highest-paying day jobs I'd ever landed, and despite the praise and recommendations of my fellow 20-somethings, I wasn't convinced you'd be able to adequately replace the fast-paced and exciting world of retail inventory management. You were a foreign and confusing entity of which I knew little about. Even those close to you could not properly explain your mysterious intricacies. Now, at the close of our time together, I feel it necessary to apologize for my gross underestimation of your ability to make my life perfect.

I blame the fact that I was terminated a mere three days before Christmas for our getting off on the wrong foot. It was a hard time for both of us. I was getting ready for an excruciating trip to celebrate the holidays with my parents, a journey in which I'd no doubt have to explain the issue of being recently unemployed numerous times to many equally disappointed individuals, and you were most likely getting ready for the large amount of work you had ahead of you in the New Year. Let's face it; the economy wasn't doing us any favors.

But it was sometime after receiving my first check in the mail that all of that turned. You see, Unemployment, I was so scared that I wouldn't be hearing from you ever again after I had missed my phone interview with one of your co-workers up in Sacramento. The brochures you'd sent me said the interview was of utmost importance, and could make or break my chances of recieving your help. However, once your letter arrived at my apartment in spite of my negligence and ever-present forgetfulness, I knew we were going to have a great time together.

I'll keep my gushing short, Unemployment, since I know you have many people to attend to, but I have much to thank you for. Foremost, I wouldn't have been privy to the endless amount of free time which helped uncover my love for writing, nor my ability to earn money doing so, were it not for you.

It was because of you that I was able to live my ideal life of staying home all day in sweatpants and slippers—leaving only for sustenance and to send you those letters reminding you that, yes, I was still in need of your aid—for over a year and a half. You also helped me catch up on a lot of great television series (that month we spent with the first five seasons of LOST was particularly enriching), and learn of the true healing powers of marijuana. But, as flowers blossom amidst compost and manure, the opportunity to retreat into the inner recesses of my mind—brought on by a lack of any work readily available on Craigslist or within a four-block radius of my apartment—revealed to me the power of the written word and my desire to harness it.

Unemployment, you were like a supportive college professor or, better yet, some sort of anonymous, Dickensian benefactor who saw potential in me though we had never met. And now, your impending withdraw from my life weighs on me. I feel like a baby bird destined to plummet to the earth upon being nudged from the nest of your consistent checks and multiple benefit extensions. Yet despite all of my fears of inadequacy and failure, I'm happy to leave your embrace. I will always miss you, Unemployment (pasta dinners, embarrassing moments with new acquaintances, confusing paperwork, and all), and you should know that I could not have found my life's true path without you.

Thankfully Employed,
Patric Fallon