Notice Anything Different in Dolores Park Lately?

That's right, the big-ass Green trailer has moved on to greener pastures and no longer provides a fabulous wall to pee on/an elevated view of Tallboy Terrace.  Let's hope they replace it with something better, like a half-pipe or a liquor store whose proprietor is a 55-year-old Vietnam vet who indiscriminately yells “Cold Beer, Cold Water” at everyone who enters the store.

The Anatomy of a Spectacular Craigslist Post: Frankenstein Motorcycle for Hipster

In all my years of reading Craigslist ads, I believe this poster found “the ultimate Craigslist formula”:

You are looking at one sexy BBW of a bike. Her name is Bertha and she loves to ride. I bought Bertha a year ago and she has been my moped on steroids. I only ride her around the city when I need to get somewhere fast. Dual disc up front on this bitch because fat chicks don't stop on a dime, they stop on big wet burritos. One fork seal is blown. Clear coat on the tank is coming off. But just like any hot fat chick you date they have problems so what do you expect?  Give her love and she will get you laid.  Starts up right away on the first time but then she needs to sit there while she gets her juices flowing.  If you are some skinny mission hipster/trustafarian this would be the perfect bike for you to hide your wealth behind, and mitigate your outrageous 5k collection of apple products you can't even use but to browse the internet and post pics of you facebook playing the same three cord on your guitar with some stupid scarf on your neck. This truly is a poor persons Honda. The only problem with hipsters is you are probably too weak and pot saturated to wield such a big bitch; Hipsters are used to women who starve themselves on cigarettes, cocaine, bottled water, and tofu patties. I think a 50cc Buddy would be really up your ally. If you have any questions let me know. If they are funny and not entirely stupid I may answer. If you actually want to buy this thing I will probably in all likely hood respond. If there are no buyers I will ghost ride this bitch into a wall for 500 and you can video that shit and put it on youtube or digg if you are one of those.

If a motorcycle-riding, 33-year-old Shakespeare wrote Craigslist posts, I think this is what we would have studied in high school.  I mean, it took a mere 7 words for this author to compare his bike to a fat chick.  That's not grammar school bullshit, that's untapped genius.  Let us review this author's formula:

  1. Compare product to a fat chick
  2. Tell potential buyers that their fat friend will get them laid
  3. Inform potential buyers that they'll need to perform cunnilingus on the product for it to function properly
  4. Make fun of hipsters
  5. Make fun of hipster's girlfriends
  6. Tell people you probably won't answer their questions
  7. Inform people that if they are too stupid to buy what you're selling, you're going to make said product 'go viral'

Take my money, good sir.

The Legitimate, Authentic, REAL Street Food Festival

While strolling down Folsom to the mainstream Street Food Festival on Saturday, I was hipped to the cooler, undiscovered street food festival going down on the corner of 23rd.  Just a giant heap o' chicken marinating in Sriracha and urine.  The Yamo to your Osha.  A scene still untainted by government fees, politicians, Michael Bauer, baby strollers and Foursquare.  More authentic than shelling out $7 bucks for the privilege of eating Delfina near Garfield Park, I hope it stays true to its roots next year.

San Franciscans Really Step Up The Quality of Bitchy Notes

I'm in love with everything about this obscenely bitchy note about a dog pooping on the sidewalk: the red text shadowing on the title, the yellow matting, the threat of legal recourse for continued pooping, the suggestion to give the dog away, and wrapped up with a friendly “Thx!”

I can only imagine the exciting horror it must be to have sex with this person.

Just Your Average Sunday in San Francisco

Man, what a Sunday.  In what had to have been the first sunny day in San Francisco since 1997, there was an endless supply of great things to do.  A nice bike ride along Ocean Beach during Sunday Streets, checking out the vendors and bands at Rock Make in the Mission, rocking out to They Might Be Giants and Rouge Wave at Stern Grove, maybe just a peaceful, albeit traffic infested bike ride along the coast in Marin.  Or you could have, yet again, just hung out with thousands of your coolest friends in Dolores Park to witness to the day's ultimate freak show.

ATTN LOCAL BUSINESSES: How to get free advertising on Uptown Almanac!

******(un)PAID ADVERTISTMENT*******

Do you own a struggling business?  Need to connect with a young audience?  Do you like mopping?  If you answered yes to these questions, you may qualify for free advertising on Uptown Almanac!

Unbeknownst to them at the time, the fabulous people at Dirty Thieves on 24th and Treat were our trial subjects.  Here's how it works: you give one or more of members of #TEAM_UppyAlmy $40 to go to Pop's and get 'fucking blitzed'.  We'll then go back to your place of business, order one beer, put Beastie Boys on the jukebox and then puke all over your fine establishment. It worked for Dirty Thieves, it could work for you!

Dirty Thieves: We have Biggie and the Beastie Boys on the jukebox.  'nuff said.

cool tag, bro

My favorite thing about this tag is the random chicken foot thrown in there.  <3 u, random chicken foot.

Is Pop's Bar the Worst Place to Park Your Bike?

If you read various Mission blogs or SF bike forums, you would have noticed that once a month some poor bastard gets their bike stolen or stripped outside of Pop's bar.  Well, it happened again last night.  What's going on here?

1160 York St.

That's right.  The dude that keeps stealing bikes (he even stole a bartender's dog and tried to sell it back to him) lives at 1160 York St. and no one (including SF's finest) will touch him.  You've been warned.