Uptown Almanac

Grief not included.

We know Kickstarter burn out and mistrust is at an all-time high, with Zach Braff and other doubtfully desperate artists pleading for money they already have.  But this isn't that; this is The Secret Alley--the ever-necessary and adored workshop and community space sitting at Capp and 17th.  Certainly you already familiar with their ping pong parties, movie nights, concerts, and halloween shows, and now they're looking to give their ground floor gallery some much needed love.  Our friend and Secret Alley co-founder Ariel Dovas fills us in on their plans:

TSA has recently started a fundraising campaign on Kickstarter to renovate its downstairs gallery, The Galallery. This space, separate from the upstairs studio and workshop, has been host to many local talents over the years. In addition, the Galallery has been the home of TSA's annual Halloween-themed art shows and installations. 2012 saw a 12-foot-tall interactive deathray built by TSA members and hosted a surrounding art show with a doomsday theme. In 2013, TSA installed the crashed wreckage of a life-size flying saucer accompanied with creature sculptures, conspiracy paraphernalia, and alien animation and sound installation.

These renovations will include the installation of a new wood floor, custom designed to add to the already unique aesthetic sensibilities of TSA; a new, energy-efficient lighting system to allow for better, more professional lighting of artist works; and an overall patching and resurfacing of the existing walls and ceiling. Most all of the work will be done by current and past members of TSA. TSA is hoping that the humble fundraising goal of just over $6000 will be met within the next few weeks so construction can begin. This will allow the Galallery to open it's doors once again, to continue hosting some of the best, innovative, and underexposed artists, musicians, videographers, performers, and others the San Francisco Bay Area has to offer.

If this sounds like your kind of project, you can toss them a few bucks on Kickstarter.  But do it quickly, because there is only a day and a half left.

[Kickstarter | Photo by Ariel Dovas]

Because the San Francisco rental market is the fucking worst, one would-be mobile slumlord is hawking her sleeper van on Airbnb.

That's right, for just $520 a month (or $92 a night, if that's your sort of thing), you can call this cozy, street-level, rockin' one bedroom/personal Google shuttle your home.  Of course, there is no kitchen, closet, on-site parking, or place to crap (at least, legally)--and we're sure utilities will run a pretty penny--but it is only a third the cost of the city's immobile parking space-sized apartments.  So, you know, there's that.

Page describes her Stab City by the Bay home as such:

I have a 1990 Chevy Conversion van with only 45,000 miles. She runs great and has a cozy queen size van bed in the back and three captain's chairs, including the driver's. It has a clean record and gets pretty good gas mileage for a van.

The photos are verified by Airbnb.com, so you know the joke isn't on them, only us.

[Airbnb, via Reddit]

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• "Affordable" Parking Space-Sized Apartments to Cost $1,500/month
• Badass Freedom Van Owner Actually Sleazy Pick-Up Artist That Harasses Women On OkCupid

Everyone in San Francisco knows Chipotle is the worst.  They took the Mission Burrito, dumbed it down to a Mission-inspired burrito, and then made it acceptable to the flavor palette of New Englanders.  Now Chipotle's founder is richer than God, and credits his success to Colorado and his generous father.

This doesn't sit well with San Francisco's burrito lineage, who played an untold role in building the 11 billion dollar company.  Casey Deeha of the Bay Area Review of Burritos (a must read for anyone remotely interested in foil-wrapped tube food, by the way) caught up with El Faro's Hugo Ontiveros, the son of Mission-style burrito forefather Febronio Ontiveros, for some background on the matter:

If you navigate your way to the 'Chipotle Story' tab on their website, you'll find three sections: 'The Chipotle Story', 'Where Did We Come From', and 'Steve's Story'. Clicking on any one of them will reveal anything from neat little animations showing the beginnings of the chain to a piece of lined school paper on which Steve Ells writes a first hand account of his humble story - in courier type font no less. In all instances, Steve Ells and Chipotlesauraus begins in Colorado when Steve used an $85,000 investment from his father to convert a Madison ice cream parlour into a taqueria. And this is true - he did begin in Colorado. However, "beginnings" are never as straight forward as one thinks and Ells' pre-beginnings place him in San Francisco, where according to Hugo, he frequented the taquerias of the Mission while working as a line chef at Stars in the Civic Center shortly after attending the Culinary Institute of America in New York. Hugo went on to explain that there is no doubt that Ells often visited the taquerias of the Mission, including  El Faro, to not only enjoy the burritos, but also to "study" the methods says Ontiveros.  Hugo, of course, is not alone in making this suggestion. David A. Kaplan from CNN writes, "Ells loved the little taquerías in the Mission District and decided to open one back in Colorado, where he'd grown up." Ells himself, in an interview with Jessica Shambora with CNN Money, stated:

"One day, while sitting in a taqueria called Zona Rosa close to my house, I watched how the line crew took care of people in very short order. I took out a napkin and jotted down what I thought the average check was and how many people were going through the line, and I timed it. I thought, Wow, this thing makes a lot of money -- it could be a little cash cow that could fund my real restaurant. My dad gave me $85,000 -- part loan, part equity. I packed up within a couple of weeks and drove back to Colorado. It was the summer of 1992. The first Chipotle opened in Denver on July 13, 1993."

While Zona Rosa, as we all know, is on Haight St. and not the Mission, Ontiveros goes on to say that Ells frequented many taquerias in the Mission with the same purpose in mind. Ontiveros goes on to point out that, 'there was no competition in Colorado' as far as quality taquerias were concerned, which propelled Chipotle to quickly gain the revenue to attract investors such as McDonalds and then rule the mexican fast food chain world.

The resentment doesn't stem from Ells' lifting of El Faro's "classic" burrito-building methodology, according to Deeha.  Instead, the absence of any mention of the Mission in 'Chipotle's Story' is what really bothers Ontiveros.

Meanwhile, on Cinco de Mayo, Chipotle was found on Market Street in the Castro, "bribing" passersby with brownbags of chips and guacamole in exchange for signing a petition in support of bringing the restaurant even closer to its ancestral home.

[BARB, and also check out their review of the Chipotle on Lakeshore Ave. in Oakland]

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Chipotle Knockin' on the Mission's Door
• 7x7's Team of Foodie Mavericks Declare Chipotle the 5th Best Carne Asada Burrito in SF

The first non-West Coast missed connection, from my hometown of Grand Rapids, MI.

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Missed Connections Comix: mjhgbjygvkbjm.lkjbmjyfjh
• Missed Connections Comix: The Octopus Girl