BART's Finest Remain Calm in Tense Situation

Note: According to a direct witness, it seems that I misjudged the situation in haste and the dude, in fact, split laundry detergent everywhere, rather than peed himself.  My sincerest appologizes if that ruined your day.  Below is the original post, which remains unedited despite its incorrect analysis.  Refunds can be collected at the box office.

Rainy days in San Francisco can really be a blessing in disguise.  They force you to switch up your routine.  Wear that $40 North Face rain coat you begrudgingly bought at Sports Basement last time it rained.  Leave your bike in the garage and take public transportation to work.  Whine on Twitter.

I, like many of my friends and neighbors, did all of that yesterday.  Only my iPhone-equiped, North Face jacket-clad BART ride was a little extra special, because I saw this:

What's that you say?  Well, dearest readers, that's what happens when someone fucking pisses themselves on a rush hour commute BART train.  That's right, it's a pool of fucking urine.

Pee-pee. Jersey discharge. Liquid gold. R. Kelly's Viagra.  The Smello Yellow.  Whatever you call it, it's fucking gross.

And to make matters even more amusing?  This dude let it go down right in front of two cops.

Now, I must be totally clear here, I didn't see this guy whip out his most likely-syphilitic dick and hose down the floor with my own two eyes.  But if the ghastly, PTSD-Vietnam-flashback looks of horrors in everyone's eyes as they fled the train at Civic Center tells any story, there was most definitely a traumatic experience in his pants.

The cops, contrary to one's justifiable expectations, did not freak out and tase the relieved sonuvabitch.  Rather, they got on the radio and serenely called in “clean-up in car 1431,” as if they were fired from their minimum wage stocking job at Safeway just last week.  These cops have seen it all, goddamnit, and they weren't about to let some unkinked hose get them suspended.

It was around this time that things started to smell a little off and I bailed off the train myself, but not before noticing the reflection of one man's unadulterated terror in the puddle of piss:

Comments (14)

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Is pissing or shitting in public really looked down upon in this city? I thought it was something to celebrate, along with shooting up and jacking off in public. It’s what San Francisco is all about man.

At least it’s not like on MUNI, where the hills make the pools into many wild rivers for all to dodge.

The sad part is this is what BART police has been reduced to. They don’t act on anything anymore. The public has attacked BART police so much that they have taken a no action stance.

You got scooped on the muni peeing story and since then you’ve really invested in the scatological beat on public transportation.

Kevin get your facts straight before posting. I was there. The poor man actually drop his bottle of detergent which fell out of his plastic bag that ripped open. The bottle of detergent opened on impact and spilled it’s contents. Nobody knew what to do including the cops. The best thing they could do was to call for a clean up. The poor man was in shock and stood right there not knowing what to do or say. So don’t assume anything.

There’s a big difference between “I sincerely thought the dude pissed himself & didn’t ask any questions” and “I fucking made it up.” What’d you want me to do, go interview the dude right then and there? “Dude, did you just piss yourself?” “Hey, will you pose for a pic?” “Here’s my business card, will you call me later to issue a statement?”

Get a grip.

Hmmmmm. His pants look dry but he is holding a bag with detergent in it. Are you sure it smelled like pee and not soap?

It is a pretty viscous-looking puddle.

Yeah kinda like when you said that CBCW James ‘stole” that bike….we love UA, but there are enough strange truths to report then some made up bullshit. You see Kevmo, In SF the truth is always better and stranger and weirder then some lies….ok now that we have that out of the way…whats up with the park?/ latest on bobby the bike thief?/ Happenings at bender’s/pop’s/dear mom’s? cheers

I, for one, appreciated the R. Kelly reference

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee.

There’s an old saying: never let the truth get in the way of a good story. However, we clearly need to dissect this further. Simple comments like “I was there.” don’t prove a damn, We only got this photo, which does tell a real story. Here’s my analysis of the twos the sides of the argument:

He Pissed Himself Pros:
1. if it’s just detergent, why is everyone being so weird about it in the photo?
2. Why is he straddling the spill? I spill detergent all over the bart, I’ll probably move a few train cars ahead and say “sorry folks.” I will not spread my legs over it claim it. Given, the same is true if I pissed myself, but I don’t understand the pissing myself on the bart mentality.
3. Why are two cops visible in the photo - and why is he still there?
4. What’s up with the claim of the smell problem? Detergent smells fresh, unlike piss.
5. Spilling detergent isn’t that big of a deal. (i’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the connection to #3 & #2) Why did everyone leave immediately? They hate the scent of tide?

He spilled detergent Pros:
1. He has a bag that is clearly full of detergent.
2. Maybe he was in shock, and thus just stood there.
3. Like any good law abiding citizen, he stayed at the scene of the accident, ready and willing to accept the consequences.

My opinion:
This all comes down to the “smell” that made people leave. Detergent would smell overly strong, but flowerly. While Piss would smell like piss. Unfortunately, the BART always smells a bit like piss. Though I can say, most smell issues I tolerate. I’ve walked into a few cars and left them immediately because of smell issues.

In any case, I neither think Kevin or his detractors have an open and shut case here. If you really want to make a strong point, poor tide on the floor, and compare it with the liquid in the photo. Seriously.

Alright, alright, everyone needs to roll up off Kevin’s dick for a quick minute. Mistake. Big fucking deal. And you can’t say his anecdote, true or not, wasn’t hilarious. The man has a way with words, be grateful for what he does or go do something better with your time.

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