I don't think before I type's Comments

David sends us this map our way.  I'd say something snarky about it but, honestly, I think this is pretty much as close to perfect as you can get.

(no idea who authored it, but it was found on reddit) UPDATE: Generic made it!

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• The Mission for Yuppies

Because the name 'Kid Rock' screams authenticity.

In the last month a grip of new info has popped up on the interwebs and shed new light on the bizzare branding machine behind Pabst Brewing; giving us a glimpse at what could have been and a taste of what's to come for the PBR brand.  As previously reported, Pabst Brewing was very recently acquired by brand-mogul/dread-pirate C. Dean Metropoulos for a cool $250 million.  Papa Metropoulos then gifted the company to his two sons, Evan and Daren, cause like all twenty-somethings these days they desperately needed a job. In my previous post, I questioned whether the change in ownership would cause PBR to 'go (even more) mainstream.'  If the recent article on Evan and Daren in Bloomberg Businessweek is any indication, the answer is a resounding yes.  

Let's get the character assassination out of the way first so we can move on to the more pressing matters at hand (like 'BAWITADBA!!! WHY IN THE FUCK IS THERE A PICTURE OF KID ROCK IN THIS POST???' My thoughts exactly, friend).  The Metropoulos Bros are some spoiled ass New England raised douchetards, who are about as far from both hipster and blue collar (the demographics that keep PBR profitable) as they could possibly be.  To start, the MetroBros met with Matt Schwartz of Bloomberg Businessweek in the 35th floor lounge of the Mandarin Orientel in Midtown Manhattan, where he remarked that the Bros "were very much at home."  Schwartz goes on to mention that they had just come from a friend's wedding at Martha's Vineyard, MA, where the MetroBros had "summered since they were boys."  

"Evan, 29, divides his time between Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and New York City. Daren, 27, lives in Los Angeles, in Hugh Hefner's old residence, a 7,300-square-foot English manor house he recently bought for $18 million."

Daren & Evan Metropoulos hanging out with Katie Couric's mom in 2008, who later bestowed upon them the title of 'Dean's Soon'.

Via some Greek Matrix Trilogy fanzine.

Through the course of the interview, Evan, donning a green polo and gaudy chain necklaces, discusses his plans to sponsor rodeo riders to promote Lone Star beer in Texas; surfers to promote Primo in Hawaii; a plan to revive the defunct Star and Stripes beer as a military and veteran's beer, and other asinine strategies from Marketing 101 at the learning annex.  In discussing Star and Stripes, Evan goes as far as to suggest that drinkers of Bud Light are supporting foreigners TERRORISTS!

With the MetroBros new strategies, it doesn't seem far fetched that they could eventually take up Kid Rock on an offer he made several years prior: to be the celebrity spokesman of Pabst Blue Ribbon.  The nail in the coffin for PBR's (falsely) perceived 'authenticity' is already out there people, it's just question of whether or not the new owners will decide to use it.  The pair are already in the process of sponsoring Funny or Die produced sketches that will prominently feature PBR, after Evan approached Will Ferrel's company saying: "We want to win. We want to blow these brands out, explode them, and make everyone lots of money."  

Possibly the one single redeeming plan the MetroBros may have for their company applies directly to their Colt 45 malt liquor brand.  According to the Business Weekly article, they are currently in negotiations with Snoop Dogg in developing a line of Colt 45 flavors.  FLAVORS PEOPLE.  

Expect Gin n Juice Colt 45 tallboys to hit a liquor store near you in 2012.  

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Pabst Brewing sold for $250 million
• Hipster Emergency: PBR Goes Upscale

(photo by Jeremy Brooks)

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Celebrity Fucking Shoutout

WILL FUCK 4 BIG MAC

THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE SF WEEKLY.  Up until last week, I had no idea that the sit-lie law was going to ruin dating and vegan eating in the Haight:

An author named Spencer Walker has written a new guidebook with a section apparently devoted to the San Francisco dating landscape. Titled "Hippie Harlots," the section claims to be a primer on the Haight Ashbury dating scene -- a scene that just may die if visitors aren't allowed to sit or lie down in public anymore.

According to Cook to Bang, the aforementioned primer on home-cooked meals prepared to entice potential dates, Hippie Harlots are found in San Francisco, at ultimate frisbee games, and at Burning Man. And they respond well to fried tofu, writes the author, who admits to "occasionally trolling Haight Ashbury for bohemian booty."

...

Should [Police Chief George Gascon's sit-lie law] pass, the resulting hostility and infringement of civil liberties may make the neighborhood a glum place for hippie hookups. And we might see a decline in Walker's style of cuisine.

So for the sake of everything that's organic and tasty, can't our top cop just leave the Haight be? (LINK)

Spenc sounds like a terrific dude.  Cooks to get laid, trolls the homeless for sex.  A real casanova.  Also, why the hell is sit/lie being morphed into a foodie issue?

(photo by Brant Ward / The Chronicle)

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Opinion: The Sit/Lie law would just allow the cops to get more aggressive towards protesters, park(ing) Day parties, sidewalk sales, or people just having fun on the sidewalk