I don't think before I type's Posts
Well, what did you expect it to say?
Special thanks to Justin for putting this together after a week of listening to me complain about it not existing.
Letter from my neighbor:
Hey guys-
My response:
Hey Bros,
Thanks for the letter! I've always wanted a pen pal. I just wanted to come right out and say it, I'm a person. I saw that you requested I stop walking on my heels, but because of evolution, I'm afraid that's the only way I know how to walk. For your convenience I'm including a list of animals that don't walk on their heels. I'll even draw a chart to scale for you.
Of course, right off of the bat (that's a saying, I don't actually play baseball), I thought of the velociraptor (of Jurassic Park fame). They're a lot like cats, except for the lack of fur, whiskers, cute little purring and their tendency to play with fake mice. Anyway, dogs, mice, scarecrows, real crows, and sharks also do not walk on their heels/cannot walk/do not have feet.
I hope you find this information helpful, and sorry about the chart, but I drew it life-size and I'm afraid this piece of paper only covers the size of a dog's belly.
Regards,
'Guys' <-- I can't believe you already have a nickname for me.
P.S. We're not really "bros" unless we are! Weird. Have you ever seen Star Wars?
Okay, you've all seen this so I'm sure you already skimmed past it, but in case you're still reading, I'll provide you with some quick tips on how to prepare for Jesus, since, let's face it, you're probably not ready. If this lady is spending her holiday weekend asking if you're ready, then you're really not ready. If you're still reading this, then I know, you're not ready.
Basically one of five scenarios could happen when Jesus comes.
1. Pool Party: Think back to Noah's ark. Now think about that "I'm on a Boat" song. Now throw in like 100 wild animals. THINK OF ALL THE PSEUDO HIPSTER GIRLS THAT WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT. You're so ready. Bring your ironic towel.
2. Apocalypse: Jesus will dim the lights and say "it's about to heat up in here!" Then some crappy drum music will kick in and suddenly it's that dance party that you always talk shit about, but you really want to go to, but no one wants to go with you, so you just sit at home and drink PBR and talk about how American Apparel has really sold out, but you're still wearing their clothes because, dude, you bought it before they sold out, and your parents haven't given you money in a while so you can't buy anything else. But whatever, heat does some cool stuff to lomo film so don't worry about the end of the world, worry about your next Facebook photo album.
3. Super Zombies: Didn't Jesus come back from the dead? Wouldn't this be him coming back from the dead twice? Aren't zombies totally hip and cool right now? This could be the next big iPhone app. Developers, get on this, you could be rich, but the world would also be over, so it's a toss up.
4. Wes Anderson Film: Jason Schwartzman could play Jesus and it'll show Jesus doing his little Jesus daily tasks with the Alec Baldwin voice over: "Jesus Son of God wakes everyday at 6 am to the Beatles 'Good Morning, Good Morning' because his first grade school crush once said "if you don't wake up to a good morning then you'll have a bad life." He makes two eggs, fried, for breakfast but always throws one away. After he showers he brushes his teeth for exactly 15 seconds before spitting. He takes his coat with him to work even when it's hot outside and feels guilty about air conditioning. He spends his evenings looking up drink coasters online with The Weather Channel playing on his TV. He believes cats have a greater meaning, dogs are overrated and electrolytes are complete bullshit."
5. Shower: I mean, Jesus is coming. That could get messy.
I hope you took notes and I'm sorry for number 5, but I mean, how could I not go down that path?
Remember that time I drank a lot of wine and thought "OH YEAH I WRITE FOR THIS TOTALLY AWESOME BLOG" and then I said "blog" so many times that the word lost all meaning and then I tripped out about how the words "again" and "against" are a mere TWO LETTERS APART. And then you start thinking about all of the stupid words that are similar but have nothing to do with each other and I'm too drunk to think of any examples but what I'm saying is, don't ever let someone tell you wine gets better with age, but they mean "age" as "minutes" and then you drink a whole bottle in 5 minutes AND FUCK YEAH IT GOT BETTER but it's all relative because I didn't eat today and so everything is delicious and omg I want some pizza. Anyway see you later alligator or SYLA, or wait, I thought that was supposed to spell the C word. OH THAT'S TUESDAY. Okay bye.
Today, at around 7 hours ago via web I found the perfect woman on the internet. Start following, boys.
I really want to say that this isn't around the corner from Wang Insurance. I mean, I really want to say that. But I can't, because this is around the corner from Wang Insurance.
As T.S. Eliot once said, "I don't believe one grows older. I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates."
And as some idiot on the internet once said, "hah hah hah wiener jokes! I stagnated at 12."
Dear Guy in Starbucks,
I applaud you. No. That's not enough. I'll give you a standing ovation. No. I will start the Wave at a football game for you.
Here you are in your new home office/local Starbucks. You tested the limits of technology. The outlet is on the ceiling, what'd you say? "Fuck that, gravity is on my side." Sir, you don't even think twice about not owning a cell phone. I mean, why would you? You have your house phone that can easily travel with you. You also (sadly, so, so, sadly, not pictured) came prepared with your tighter-than-skin-tight Under Armour shirt and sweatpants pulled up to your chest. Your whole Saturday evening was just a treat to yourself which turned out to be a treat to myself, as well. Thank you, sir. Thank you for this moment that I will cherish for about another week and then forget all about. I hope your business does well in 2010, and if I ever hear a dial tone again, I'll think of you.
Love,
Your not so secret admirer because my name is right up there at the top of this post. Hi.
Sometimes I think the Sunset District is rotting my brain, but most of the time I just wish I had a pet sloth and some balloons.
Okay, stop laughing, really. No, seriously, there are actually some neat things in the Sunset! Late last night (okay 9 pm, but whatever.) my friend called me (who are we kidding, she text me) to tell me that she and her friends were going to try out a bar in the Sunset called The Riptide. It's pretty far out there, Taraval at (gasp) 46th, but let me tell you, it was well fucking worth it.
I managed to grab the 29 down Sunset and then ran-walked down 9 blocks to 46th (for warmth, it's like, cold over here by the coast). When I arrived, I walked in to find a dance floor to my left, and some tables to the right. My friends were already at the tables, but since we're the lucky girls that we are, the dance party came to us! No joke, we were asked to dance ON THE BAR three times, and each time we declined, the guy did a little jig in front of us, which appeared to be some sort of Riverdance/Moonwalk combo. I'm assuming, in his head, he was convinced that his performance would make us to want to dance too, but no such luck (sorry, guy!).
I went to find The Riptide's website and found the most basic, boring thing in the entire world, so I wouldn't recommend you checking out their website (who wants to do that anyway), but instead to check out the actually damn bar. It's small, it's local, and they play the best fucking music ever. Plus some chicks hooked up in the bathroom and one girl tried to pee in the walk-in fridge. Oh, and they have some little video-poker-like game thing, and duh, great drinks.
Alright kids, now go out and have fun.
[For more information and reviews check out The Riptide's Yelp page.]
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