hipsters

Is Blogging Dead? Top 5 Epic Blogging Fails to LOL at Before You Die

— By Alan Fineberg |

Whenever a headline contains a question, the answer is almost always no. Or is it?

Yes, according to experts. But could they be wrong?

“Usually the experts are right about these things,” according to Dr. East Man, leading factologist. “Occasionally an expert will commit an epic fail by not disclosing bias, and sometimes a quote will even be fabricated for the win.”

Dr. Eastmen

For example, a recent article pondered, “Is Blogging Dead?” According to twitter user @lauriewrites

But twitter user @russelloavery strongly disagrees:

Clearly the jury is still out. What do YOU think?  Leave a comment below, and share this article with 10 friends and you will get kissed on the nearest possible Friday by the love of your life. Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. However, if you share this article to at least 4 friends, you will die within 2 days. Click the buttons below to share.

Here are the top 5 epic blogging fails. Will they cause the next tech bubble? We report you decide:

  1. Andrew Sullivan vs. Trig Palin
  2. Jason Calcanis
  3. Aoliana Huffman
  4. Gamespot Fails
  5. Mission Mission v. NASA
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

New Youtube Series "American Hipster" Is Coming To Further Commodify Your Lifestyle

— By Alissa |

The trailer for new Youtube series “American Hipster” doesn't really give us much to go on, but at first glance it looks pretty terrible. More than that, it actually looks sort of boring. The series comes to us by way of Seedwell, which launches “viral video” campaigns for totally hipster corporations like Microsoft, Foster Farms and T-Mobile. So, you know, I'm sure they've totally got their finger on the pulse of this unique, creative lifestyle. 

I anticipate a lot of aerial shots of SF, up-close shots of espresso being poured in Four Barrel, girls messing with their bangs and probably some weak analogies comparing hipsters with the beat generation which are bound to make us all cringe. This series serves more to evidence the fact that we're way beyond the point where being a “hipster” has anything to do with fringe or alternative culture. It's just white noise at this point. If you can handle all the tired cliches of flannel and thick-rimed frames, it could be good for an eye-roll or two. 

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Hipster Animals

— By Eric Gregory (@mrericsir) |

Q: What kind of animal best represents a hipster?

A: It depends. What type of hipster are you talking about?

 

The Hipster Animals blog by Dyna Moe is a treasure trove of hipster stereotypes embodied by animals.  If you've ever wondered what type of animal best represents a trust-fund asshole or a full time Etsy craftperson, this Tumblr blog is updated regularly with such information.  Each post is accompanied by adorable mid-20th century style illustrations that will certainly remind you of a time in your life before you wore aviator sunglasses and had an intentionally ugly haircut.

 

 

Oh, and in case you were wondering why I'm posting here instead of at my own blog, the board of directors here at Uptown Almanac brought me in as a guest contributor to fill the void left by rapture victim KevMo. I'll be here until Mr. Montgomery gets kicked out of hell for drinking an eternity's worth of cheap, low quality beer.

The Anatomy of a Spectacular Craigslist Post: Frankenstein Motorcycle for Hipster

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

In all my years of reading Craigslist ads, I believe this poster found “the ultimate Craigslist formula”:

You are looking at one sexy BBW of a bike. Her name is Bertha and she loves to ride. I bought Bertha a year ago and she has been my moped on steroids. I only ride her around the city when I need to get somewhere fast. Dual disc up front on this bitch because fat chicks don't stop on a dime, they stop on big wet burritos. One fork seal is blown. Clear coat on the tank is coming off. But just like any hot fat chick you date they have problems so what do you expect?  Give her love and she will get you laid.  Starts up right away on the first time but then she needs to sit there while she gets her juices flowing.  If you are some skinny mission hipster/trustafarian this would be the perfect bike for you to hide your wealth behind, and mitigate your outrageous 5k collection of apple products you can't even use but to browse the internet and post pics of you facebook playing the same three cord on your guitar with some stupid scarf on your neck. This truly is a poor persons Honda. The only problem with hipsters is you are probably too weak and pot saturated to wield such a big bitch; Hipsters are used to women who starve themselves on cigarettes, cocaine, bottled water, and tofu patties. I think a 50cc Buddy would be really up your ally. If you have any questions let me know. If they are funny and not entirely stupid I may answer. If you actually want to buy this thing I will probably in all likely hood respond. If there are no buyers I will ghost ride this bitch into a wall for 500 and you can video that shit and put it on youtube or digg if you are one of those.

If a motorcycle-riding, 33-year-old Shakespeare wrote Craigslist posts, I think this is what we would have studied in high school.  I mean, it took a mere 7 words for this author to compare his bike to a fat chick.  That's not grammar school bullshit, that's untapped genius.  Let us review this author's formula:

  1. Compare product to a fat chick
  2. Tell potential buyers that their fat friend will get them laid
  3. Inform potential buyers that they'll need to perform cunnilingus on the product for it to function properly
  4. Make fun of hipsters
  5. Make fun of hipster's girlfriends
  6. Tell people you probably won't answer their questions
  7. Inform people that if they are too stupid to buy what you're selling, you're going to make said product 'go viral'

Take my money, good sir.

Guys, quick! Let's prepare for Jesus!

— By Bailey Genine |

Okay, you've all seen this so I'm sure you already skimmed past it, but in case you're still reading, I'll provide you with some quick tips on how to prepare for Jesus, since, let's face it, you're probably not ready. If this lady is spending her holiday weekend asking if you're ready, then you're really not ready.  If you're still reading this, then I know, you're not ready. 

Basically one of five scenarios could happen when Jesus comes. 

1. Pool Party: Think back to Noah's ark. Now think about that “I'm on a Boat” song. Now throw in like 100 wild animals. THINK OF ALL THE PSEUDO HIPSTER GIRLS THAT WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT. You're so ready. Bring your ironic towel. 

2. Apocalypse: Jesus will dim the lights and say “it's about to heat up in here!” Then some crappy drum music will kick in and suddenly it's that dance party that you always talk shit about, but you really want to go to, but no one wants to go with you, so you just sit at home and drink PBR and talk about how American Apparel has really sold out, but you're still wearing their clothes because, dude, you bought it before they sold out, and your parents haven't given you money in a while so you can't buy anything else. But whatever, heat does some cool stuff to lomo film so don't worry about the end of the world, worry about your next Facebook photo album.

3. Super Zombies: Didn't Jesus come back from the dead? Wouldn't this be him coming back from the dead twice? Aren't zombies totally hip and cool right now? This could be the next big iPhone app. Developers, get on this, you could be rich, but the world would also be over, so it's a toss up.

4. Wes Anderson Film: Jason Schwartzman could play Jesus and it'll show Jesus doing his little Jesus daily tasks with the Alec Baldwin voice over: “Jesus Son of God wakes everyday at 6 am to the Beatles 'Good Morning, Good Morning' because his first grade school crush once said “if you don't wake up to a good morning then you'll have a bad life.” He makes two eggs, fried, for breakfast but always throws one away. After he showers he brushes his teeth for exactly 15 seconds before spitting. He takes his coat with him to work even when it's hot outside and feels guilty about air conditioning. He spends his evenings looking up drink coasters online with The Weather Channel playing on his TV. He believes cats have a greater meaning, dogs are overrated and electrolytes are complete bullshit.”

5. Shower: I mean, Jesus is coming. That could get messy. 

I hope you took notes and I'm sorry for number 5, but I mean, how could I not go down that path?