I am an amateur pedestrian. I don’t get paid for it, it’s merely a hobby at this point in my life, although I’m not entirely sure professional aspirations are even possible. Like many athletes (if I could be so bold as to refer to this form of art as a sport), I also dabble in walking peripherals. As a runner participates in triathlons, a San Francisco pedestrian also rides MUNI. MUNI is the public transportation “authority” in San Francisco, and also allows for the most action I get all year. You can grab a train or bus and ride through all the creepy, lousy, awesome, dirty, sexy and slutty streets of SF and then get dropped off right at your front door, it’s really quite amazing. However, along with MUNI’s excellent city coverage comes the people you generally try to avoid. I’d like to say that these people allow for little life lessons, or as I like to call it “Things I Learn on MUNI”.
1. Always carry a bag, the bigger the better (as goes for most things in life). If you have a bag, you pretty much get away with taking up two seats. Keep it on your shoulder and let it “overflow” onto the seat next to you, but if the bus is crowded, put it on your lap, don’t be a dick.
2. No headphones, no privacy. You’d be surprised how many people don’t give a shit if you’re reading, texting, or just not interested. If you appear to be physically able to hear, they’ll talk to you. This could be as harmless as complimenting your shoes, or as insulting as asking you for change and then getting pissed off because you only had 30 cents and you’re like “hello, I had taco truck for lunch and it’s really quite the bargain.”
3. Make eye contact with one person you find attractive. Be careful with this though, one false move and you’ll have a stranger either following you off the bus or asking you if it hurt, you know, when you fell from heaven. Make your move right before you get off at your stop, keep it brief, smile a little (no teeth), and then leave and don’t look back. What? It’ll make their day and, maybe even a Craig’s List Missed Connection (score!).
4. Always give your seat to the elderly, you’ll be old one day and I’m sure you’ll appreciate it. You’ll come across some bitchy old ladies that expect it, but take it with a grin and then, I don’t know, tell them that their cat is ugly and has bad hair.
5. Don’t. Touch. Anything. Seriously, gross. Hand sanitizer only goes so far and before you know it you’re knocked up, guys, you’re not excluded from this.
I’m sure there are like a million (well, seven, maybe eight, tops) more lessons you can learn on MUNI, but basically what I’m trying to say is, guy in the red sweatshirt on the N Judah at like 6 PM, call me!