Why carelessly park your car in the bike lane when you can simply lay down over the curb and brush your hair?
We were so worked up last week over the news that a neighbor was looking to block the Dolores Park renovations because of childhood obesity that we completely overlooked that a separate group of architectural activists appealed to save the park's condemnable bathroom building. And good thing they did. Not only will we be able to continue enjoying those sad walls caked in human shit for years to come, but the sinks are falling right off the walls.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
The Bike Film Festival has been bringing San Francisco some of the world's best cycling shorts right to the Victoria Theater for the past few years. Typically, the BFF has been a two day affair, with sideshows ranging from parties to street fairs all weekend long. However, this year, they're scaling things back a bit, packing all their screenings into one day.
But in spite of their tighter schedule, they're not skimping on quality. To get a taste of the kind of shorts you'll see, give this mini-doc on 1 legged, 1 armed track racer a watch:
If that's to your liking, you can get tickets to any individual program for $10, or splurg on a full day pass for $20.
Proving that San Francisco still fetishizes the throwback stylings of Geocities-era hit counters, the city is installing a real-time bike counter right on Market Street. From the SF Bike Coalition's press release:
More people are biking in San Francisco than ever. Just how many more? We’ll soon know — on a daily basis. Today, the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency Board of Directors publicly announced that San Francisco will receive its first automated real-time bike counter, to be installed on Market Street.
The new automated bike counter, also known as a bicycle barometer, will be installed on the sidewalk on the south side of Market Street between 9th and 10th Streets and record all bikes heading eastbound. Counts are visibly displayed, showing daily and annual compilations.“The bike counter will underscore the huge and growing number of people biking on our city’s main corridor,” said Leah Shahum, the SF Bicycle Coalition’s Executive Director, who helped find sponsorship for this project. “Market Street is already one of the busiest bicycling streets in the country with very little dedicated bike space. It will be exciting to track further growth as we focus on improvements to Market Street to boost access to jobs and a stronger economic vibrancy in San Francisco.”
While it's not totally clear how this will underscore the city's cycling boom--since the signage is bit too small to be seen by cranky motorists, which are the real problem--everyone does love stats and gadgets. And when this is installed in early May for a Bike To Work Day transparent statistic celebration, fellow cyclists will be able to drop our jaws at just how many people ride their bikes on warm days.
All this needs is a prosthetic hand to high-five as we ride past.
This summer San Francisco gets to live that parent life, so break out the your fancy fleece and post up in the park for the ultimate in hee haw activities, Outside Lands. Have you seen the line up? Man this shit looks better than the fake Coachella flyer we saw but were bummed when we found out they actually booked boring bands that parents might not know but probably do. Outside Lands has got everything you need: bands with people who look like they have osteoporosis, steampunk might make a guest appearance, some dumbass girl dancing with a hula hoop and/or staff, food booths with amazing things like vegan nachos, kim jong-un tacos, farm-to-turd soups, fancy water with brown shit in it, chocoshitheado, and all kinds of other gourmet fuckery.
Look, I’m not here to talk about that because food is not the point, so let's get back on this trainwreck. Outside Lands is about music first, not the performance fleece stroller sideshow just trying to get drunk on old juice. Outside Lands is bringing you the latest in music with amazing acts like fucking Paul McCartney! Yeah man, you can stand in a field with a bunch of other people wondering when the old lesbian is finally going to fall over or stop tucking his shirt in his fucking jeans. Have you ever seen Cialis work in reverse? It’s going down!
Oh but that’s not your thing? You’re a little FUNKY!?! Sweet dog, you can live out your dreams with the Red Hot Chili Peppers! These guys are as old as fucking Wal-Mart. Maybe they can do that song where you get to do rap hands like when you were in the 4th grade! Damn you're good at rap hands? Well shit I didn’t know yo, you need to get down with the hardcore styling of Jurassic 5. They do throwback rap, but shit these dudes are so fucking old there should be another group doing a throwback to them while a birkenstock remembers the time he tried to hump a headwrap at hiphop on the college green. Oh but fuck rap this is about hee hawing, if you want to listen to another old band that sounds like older bands that did boring better we can go see Band of Horses! The hee haw doesn’t even stop there, they got NIN for you sad face fucks in black. Gonna get some goth girl while we fuck like an 18hr bra still hanging on to a haircut from twenty years ago and snack on artichoke sandwiches, but don’t worry about getting overpumped, we can cool off from the blistering golden gate heat with shawarma snowcones. Then we can go hang out with the hula hoop girls and get our Dillon Francis on to some charlie brown teacher, she can be your trombone shawty! Oh pretty lights, FEEL THE BASS! I don’t even know what Twenty-One Pilots is but they make "piano-driven indie-rocktronica" and if that doesn’t say whitebread as fuck then I don’t know nothing about hee hawing. DANCE PARTY!
Willie Nelson will be there too so that we can smoke some tweed and dream of grey ponytails while we literally watch paint dry! LIVE FUCKING PAINTING DUDES! When has that not ever been hee haw? If we get too high, don’t even sweat about losing your mom at the festival we can always find her at the Hall & Oates memorial site. Tallest Man On Earth sounds like an acoustic gutterpunk who found soap. Don’t be scared of that one black guy bro, its D’Angelo. Outside Lands is the perfect festival for napping. I don’t even know why they have speakers on the stage. Are you more of a traditional hee haw? The Growlers have all the floppy hats and hobo croaking you could ever want, maybe we’ll get to see some suspenders or other kinds of old ass ways to hold up your clothes. Vampire Weekend will have someone foot stomping with their arms raised in a circle to tuba farts. Listening to The National is like listening to your dad tell you that boring ass story again but now you can listen to that story with your dad!
Ugh I have to quit, I decided to listen to Phoenix so I could make fun of their boring songs and I can’t put myself through this. This festival sucks. Someone should tell them not every band needs to sound like the same old stale-ass whitebread easily-accessible bullshit. If you like old people and boring music then go have fun. I can’t get with it and this city should just give up on festivals, SF is terrible at them. Festivals are shit in general but goddamn this town does shitty like no one else does shitty.
Queso here's the deal: Bender's is now hosting a Stinky Cheese Club on the third Tuesday of every month (tonight! 5pm!) because Bender's is a magical place staffed by beautiful geniuses who were put on this earth to make us happy. Here are the details from the Facebook invite:
The Cheese Stands Alone!
Every 3rd Tuesday join Tuula and Mikey for the monthly meeting of the STINKY CHEESE CLUB.Come down, bring some cheese (or crackers, meats, pickles, etc...) and get a free can of PBR or Well Drink, and enjoy the spread...
There you have it! Come provolone or bring a friend, but be sure to pitch in your favorite wedge. Either way its guaranteed to brie a grate evening.
Previously on Uptown Almanac
As seen on the insane flier above (courtesy of the lovely Sam Bartos), I'm hosting a free in-studio performancerecording at Studio SQ with The Secret Secretaries and Demimonde. The show will take place at 7 this Sunday and the good people at Lagunitas are bringing us all of the beer in the world. Did I mention free beer? There'll be free beer.
Since it's a semi-private party and you guys are my best friends, you can totally come but you must RSVP by emailing me to get on the list or the door guy will laugh and laugh and laugh once more right in your face and tell you to go fart on your own hands at home.
As you might recall, The Secret Secretaries recently received rave reviews from Uptown commenters "Everything Sucks" and "frisco music isn't all bad", who noted "this is actually good" and "I thought SF music had hit the shitter, replaced by tech dorks. apparently not."
BYO tech dork.