DP FanFic

Dolores Park Gazette: A Chronicle of Changing Times

826 Valencia is currently running a Dolores Park history piece from the Your Store project in the form of historical covers from the fictional Dolores Park Gazette.  Your Store writes:

These days, especially on the weekends,  Dolores Park is a very happening spot in San Francisco.  So it was no surprise that when we asked people to tell us stories about the Mission District many people mentioned the park.  In the Dolores Park Gazette, now displayed in the window of 826 Valencia, we offer a short timeline of the park history.

The display will be up until June 1st, but you can see the whole series on their website.  A few of our favorites, after the jump:

Thank You, LA!

Shotwell's, Bender's and Lucky 13 All Need Remodeling, According to Bar Rescue

A few weeks back, noted Mission beer outpost Shotwell’s tweeted out that the folks behind Bar Rescue had been repeatedly calling the bar and breathing talking into their answering machine.  It seemed like a weird pick for a make-over show—Shotwell’s is a fine bar, regularly is packed with customers, and has the distinction of being one of the few in the Mission with usable bathroom.

However, since Shotwell’s tweet, we’ve since heard that the Bar Rescue crew has been on a tear, cluelessly hitting up multiple SF dives for an on-air renovation, including local stalwarts Doc’s Clock, Bender’s, Lucky 13, Emperor Norton’s Boozeland, Molotov’s, and Whiskey Thieves. [Update: And The Peaks, Uptown, 500 Club, and Mission Hill Saloon, too.] (We even heard Zeitgeist was on their list, but couldn’t get a confirmation.)

Tom from Shotwell’s fills us in on their experience:

I checked the bar’s old fashion answering machine the other week. Bar Rescue had left three messages, stating that Jon Taffer will be in town and he’s looking to make over a bar in San Francisco. I deleted the messages and started my usual pre-opening cleaning routine, scratching my head thinking they picked the wrong town. Then the bar phone rang, “Yes this is a producer from Bar Rescue on Spike. We noticed your Yelp reviews aren’t very good and was wondering if you’d like Jon Taffer to come in and redo your bar.” [Editor’s note: Shotwell’s current Yelp rating is 4.5 out of 5.]

I was immediately offended… thinking this bar doesn’t need a make over, or does it?  Just the thought that we were singled out for a Bar Rescue made me second guess myself.

But I quickly got my confidence back and politely rejected his offer. Then he asked, “can you recommend a bar in San Francisco that needs a rescue?” That made me laugh at the possibility of an amazing practical joke. God I wish I knew the guys over at Southern Pacific.  Wouldn’t that be funny? “Yeah Shotwell’s said you need a make over.” (Of course they don’t.)  I didn’t give the producer a name [of a bar], but I’m very curious who said yes to Spike.

Hopefully whoever said yes fares better than the Rocky Point Cantina, a bar that was forced closed after officials discovered all of Bar Rescue’s work was done without proper permits.

[Photo: Tobin Jones]

The NSA For Coffee

Philz Coffee is Scanning and Tracking Customer's Cell Phones

Philz has long been a neighborhood favorite thanks to its welcoming atmosphere and no bullshit staff.  But despite its neighborhoody feel, the burgeoning coffee chain founded on 24th and Folsom has been seeing itself as a start-up in recent years, raising buckets of venture capital (valuing the company between $40 and $70 million) and partnering with Facebook to test a “check-in for wifi” scheme.  Now, according to the SF Appeal, Philz has graduated to spying on customers and passersby:

Beginning in 2012 the coffee company partnered with retail analytic firm Euclid, installing devices in their stores that detect the “pings” Wi-Fi enabled devices send out while searching for networks to connect to. The “pings” include what’s called a device’s Media Access Control (MAC) address (which is kind of like a unique device serial number) that’s used by Euclid in aggregate to provide business intelligence, in order to, they say, to improve operations.

It’s not just a business’s customers that are tracked, however: Euclid’s technology also scans devices of those passing by.

Philz’ CEO told the Appeal that the tracking tech is “a useful way for us to help deliver a better customer experience” and they’re “particularly interested in is dwell time [so] we can restructure the furniture in various locations to accommodate commuters or customers who camp out.”  However, a spokesperson for the Electronic Frontier Foundation points out that there are “legal concerns” with location eavesdropping on US citizens.

UPDATE: Philz backed down and will disabled the tracking system, according to ABC 7.

[SF Appeal | Photo: Ed Schipul]

Support Local Arts!

Cease and Desist: A Benefit For the Beleaguered Dark Room Theater

Mission Street’s very own Dark Room Theater, long host to killer local comedy and incredibly fun theater productions, hit a bit of setback this month as Monty Python’s owners served the small stage a cease and desist and forced a month of shows to be canceled.  This put the space in a bit of a financial situation, so they’re throwing a big benefit tonight with one helluva line-up.  The Dark Room writes:

Unfortunately, The Dark Room’s planned May show, [REDACTED] has been cancelled, because the people who technically own the property it was loosely based on decided that our show was a threat to their image. Hey, it happens, but what doesn’t need to happen is an entire month going by without you coming to our silly little theater and seeing some LIVE PERFORMANCE! So in the grand tradition of artists helping other artists, we’re having a benefit night to help keep this theater open long enough to put on an 11th season of that silly summer festival of creepy, Not-Quite-Nighttime Zone original adaptations with original commercials and four individual weeks of exciting theater (coming to The Dark Room in June!)

A list of performers is still coming together, but so far on the bill we’ve got:

  • Improvisers The Pure Moxie Players
  • A short film, riffed by our very own Bad Movie Night!
  • Sketch from Hot Giggles, 2Good4U and Ham Pants!
  • Music from Jim Fourniadis and Princess Creampie!
  • Stand Ups include Laundry Basket and Spiegelman (!), Nicole Calasich, Jesse Fernandez, Misha Trubs, Natasha Muse, Eloisa Bravo and more!
  • And more acts to come!

As the brilliantly chaotic poster notes, the show kicks off at 8pm.  The suggested donation is $20, but do give what you can.

Bored Gastronauts

Foodies to Ruin Perfectly Good Mission Burritos With Mac 'n' Cheese

What the goddamn fuck is that?  Well, dearest readers, that is the “Soulrrito,” a would-be burrito jammed pack with a revolting medley of unrelated foodstuffs, including “salsa-infused macaroni and cheese, tri tip beef, collard greens, and yams.”  It will begin torturing Mission District digestive systems tomorrow.

According to The Bold Italic (who broke the news of this, because of course The Bold Italic broke the news of this):

[The] Soulrrito will be sold for one day only at the 24th Street location of Papalote Mexican Grill. The limited item is a collaboration between owner Miguel Escobedo (aka DJ Mr. E) and Pam the Funkstress, DJ for The Coup, afternoon mixer on KBLX, and owner of Piccadilly Catering and Restaurant in Foster City. […]

The Soulrrito will be available from 11 a.m. until they sell out and are priced at $11.25; Escobedo is also making a vegetarian version with Soyrizo for $9.10.

Our head is reeling with questions.  Why is this $11.25?  Will there be vomit buckets on site?  Will the collard greens be airlifted directly into the Mission from Louisiana much like our famed stock of day-old New York bagels?  Is this just some anti-capitalist prank from Boots Riley?

No matter.  Prank or not, the Sushiritto and the Soulrrito prove burrito hacking is clearly The Next Big Thing.  So be on the lookout for our forthcoming pop-up “Pizzawizritto”: a pizza-wrapped burrito covered in cheez-whiz, served on a caviar and bacon-rimmed plate, and delicately seasoned with the tears of the Local’s Corner guy.

The Heat is Too Damn High

Hackers Close City

Despite being a mild inconvenience for city workers and drivers with an irrational fear of Godzilla, someone with a sense of humor and the know-how to reprogram construction signage has been going around San Francisco doing just that.

Honestly, they’re doing everyone a favor.  The heat is too damn high—Godzilla might as well be torching the Marina in this weather.  City closed.

(And please do excluse the light post volume this week.  We’ll be back up to speed tomorrow.)

[Godzilla Photo: Zach Perkins]

Can It Be a Hamm's Brewery?

Iconic 18th and Mission Dump to Become a Brewery

This festering shithole of a structure has been made increasingly dilapidated with every preservation attempt (the last effort to convert the space into a grocery store was halted after construction crews were caught illegally demoing the quasi-historic facade).  But now it seems another attempt to revive the old 99 cent store is in the works, as the sleuths over at Eater report that “according to newly filed building permits, the property owners are aiming to make it a ‘full-service restaurant and brewery.’”

Who will be operating the brew pub remains unknown—and who knows if it’ll actually happen—but we’ll update you if we hear more.


An All-Day Cat Vid Festival, Tomorrow at the Roxie

Because if there’s one thing we don’t have enough of in our lives, it’s cat videos.  And the Roxie looks to fix that with a 12 hour cat vid festival designed to make you laugh, awwww, and want to become a dog owner afterwards:

The First Annual San Francisco Intergalactic Feline Film and Video Festival for Humans is proud to announce the first annual San Francisco Intergalactic Feline Film and Video Festival for Humans, a 2-week film festival in the span of 12 hours. Taking place May 10, 2014 at the Roxie Theatre—the birthplace of dozens of niche Bay Area film festivals—SFIFFAVFFH1 aims to celebrate the cinematic feline in all forms. From the microgenre’s racially-tinged beginnings (Birth of a Kitten Nation, The Jazz Purrer) to its contemporary cyberspace counterparts, SFIFFAVFFH1 promises to expand the scope of what a cat-themed film festival can—and should—be.

Their program (purrgram?) features a stunning array of kitten happenings—far more than we knew you could have with a cat film fest—including a opening party “featuring live DJs, drinks and some very special Japanese cat videos on the big screen,” an appearance by Lil’ Bub, the presentation of the “First Annual Colonel Meow In Memoriam Award for Exquisite Grooming and Style,” and, naturally, a closing night party.

The festival starts at noon tomorrow, and tickets are available now.

Here We Go Again...

Dolores Park Neighbors Demanding Increased Police Patrols, Surveillance Cameras For Park

Between 2009 and 2012, Dolores Park’s many grouchy neighbors waged an ill-fated campaign to “dampen the spirits of those who are inclined to come to DP for unfettered drinking and carousing.”  But in spite of their many public hearings, and police support, San Francisco’s party positive spirit prevailed.

Now after a year of peace, Dolores’s neighbors are once again looking to flip the script on the park’s prized vibe.  In an open letter to the city’s Rec & Park Department, Dolores Park Works—in conjunction with Mission Dolores Neighborhood Association—writes:

After hours vandalism, increased homeless camping, public intoxication, underage drinking, out of control trash and occasional violence continue to plague the park. Now that the good weather is here, these issues have reached a critical point. Every hot weekend we host an impromptu festival at Dolores Park. The park is known region-wide as the place to party, where there are no rules, and no repercussions for bad behavior.

The neighborhood has been tolerant, welcoming and patient. But we are convinced that there’s an opportunity to begin to address these problems now, during the park renovation, so as to avoid more of the same after the park is finished.

If we are to make the park truly welcoming to all, we need to curb some of the sunny weekend excesses that are both damaging the park and the surrounding neighborhood.

With half the park closed for renovations, it’s no wonder that cramped quarters are leading folks to get even more stressed out over weekend boozing.  And their points aren’t completely unfounded: campaigns like Clean Up the Plaza and DPW’s attempt to wash the homeless out of Mid-Market has led to a significant uptick in Dolores camping and the trash situation has always been a terrible, tricky problem.  But instead of tackling the those issues head-on with more trash cans and improved homeless services (as all we seem to be doing now is kicking them around), the solution is, of course, getting the police involved:

Extended Rec and Park presence in Mission Dolores Park on weekends during peak hours. Beginning in the afternoon (noon to 4pm) the crowd arrives and Rec and Park pulls out. Daniel Perea, Captain SFPD Mission Station, has increased uniformed police foot patrols in the park, especially after 3pm and into the evening. Marcus Santiago, of the Park Patrol, is looking into increasing patrols from his officers. Both departments are working to coordinate their efforts. We’d like you to support these efforts and to find the resources for Rec and Park to participate in this collaborative effort. Rec and Park must take a leadership role and help monitor Dolores. […]

As you know, vandalism of the new Helen Diller Playground and throughout the park is a serious concern. We would like to help fund and install security cameras around the children’s playground. We are also interested in discussing more lighting around the children’s playground and adding a time-locked gate. Maybe now is also the time to take a good look at the proposed lighting plan for all of Dolores Park as well.

Of course, we’d ordinarily brush off these renewed and recycled calls for stepped up enforcement as they’ve failed before (and will fail again).  But this time, Supervisor Scott Wiener seems to be ahead of the demands, himself declaring in September that he seeks a “culture shift” and “better enforcement” to take hold before the renovations are wrapped up.  And next Wednesday, Wiener will be joined by Supervisor Campos, Captain Daniel Perea of Mission Station, Rec & Park General Manager Phil Ginsburg, and Senior Park Patrol officer Marcus Santiago in meeting with these neighbors to discuss their brand of preferred solutions to the perpetual problem.

Should you want to attend the meeting yourself, it’ll be taking place at the Dolores Park Church at 455 Dolores, starting Wednesday, May 14 at 6:30.  Dolores Park Works has all the details.

[Photo: colleenvonhenry]

Not That There's Ever Any Bullshit in Comedy

I'll Leave You With This: A New Comedy Show Without the Bullshit

The Cynic Cave continues growing their esteemed set of comedic programming this weekend, unveiling a show on Sunday that just leaves audiences with the hits:

On May 11th, 9 comics will cut out most of their bullshit act and leave you with the joke/jokes they keep closest to their hearts: their closers. Jam packed with their own personal favorites, old faithfuls and maybe even some new tricks, I’ll Leave You With This will teach these comics their ABCs- ALWAYS. BE. CLOSING.

Advanced tickets are available now. Only $10!