Perhaps more universally loathed than the bike thief is the beer thief: grubby criminals stalking you at parties, bars, and the park that strip you of a whole dollar worth of mediocre inebriation.  They must be stopped, at any cost.  And in states like Florida, you can literally murder someone for accosting your property.  So why not Stand Your Ground and Keep Your Brew Cold with this badass koozie?

Available now at the corner store at 21st and Valencia (not the one that sells organic bananas, the other one).  Works best with a willful ignorance of the law.