Hey Bernal!  Yeah you, I see you there.  Look man, we gotta talk.

You're cool and all, with those breathtaking views of San Francisco n' shit.  But you've been playing the same tune for thousands of years and people don't wanna hear that no more.  Yeah man, I'm talking about your grass situation.  The pants stainer.  The original weed.  The green menace.  Whatever you wanna call it, 'shit's played out—business as usual.

But, dude, check it: I got the fix for you.  Art-a-ficial grah-ass.  You heard of this stuff?  No?  Oh dude, it's the fucking shit.  We take your old, crabby-ass grass, dump it in some abandoned lot in Bayview, and then we cover your ass in plastic.  Plastic!  It's modern, man—real cutting-edge shit. All the kids are playing soccer on it, it stays green year-round, and I heard it drains real well because, you know, sometimes rains in San Francisco.

Dude, think about it, if we level out some of those hideous deformities of yours, kids could be playing soccer on you.  Soccer, Bernie, soccer!  Have you seen some of the soccer moms around here? Yeah yeah, those mega-babes could be standing on you buddy, and just think about your vantage point… Heh heh heh, yaaa now you're feeling me.

I know you're looking at the price tag and, yeah, this shit ain't cheap.  But looking good was never cheap.  This isn't some thrift store garbage, no man, this is fresh off the runway.  You'll be the envy of every other broke-ass park in town.  You'll be cruising the streets in a Range while they're stuck trying to find parking for their penny-farthings.  “Move over, Twin Peaks!  Bernal's king of this town!”

Did I mention the babes?

So, dude, why not show off your million dollar view with millions of dollars in turf renovations?  They'll be looking at you, they'll be talking about you, they'll want to be you.

Plus, Golden Retrievers just love the shit.