Saw-Wielding Bouncer Aims to Keep Parking Meters Bike-Free

I had a burning desire to order overpriced shots of Jameson from a meth addict last night, so I made my way over to 800 Larkin with two of my three friends.  Rather than leaving our bikes to the mercy of the Tyrone Biggums-looking sketchtard who offered to “watch over” our rides for five bucks and a cigarette, we opted to park 'em in front of the well-lit Century strip club on Larkin.  Within 10 minutes, some agro dude wearing a shirt that clearly didn't fit him and a tie, who we later learned was the proprietor of New Century Theater, began running around the block yelling “whose bikes are these?” He even ran into 800 Larkin and yelled at all the glazed-over hookers and coke dealers. When he learned they were our bikes, he squawked “come with me and remove them.” Naturally, we resisted because they were locked up to a parking meter on the sidewalk, but he insisted that because they were parked at the edge of a white zone (loading zone), it was illegal and that he would cut the bikes from the meter if we did not voluntarily remove them. So we did the mature thing and told him to get bent and finished our drinks, while he called the police and told his bouncer to fetch a saw.

To our surprise, these guys were actually intent on cutting our bikes off the meter and throwing them up the street.  A car quickly pulled up to loading zone and the owner and bouncer started riffling through a trunk full of tools.  As all this went down, the police showed up and clearly didn't know what the fuck to do. After a minute of the owner ranting against the bicycles hurting his business, it came down to the cops asking us “how long are you leaving your bikes there?” We quipped some  awful pun like “we're just loading up our drinks and we're biking back to a more civil place.” Then they said they'd be by later and expected our bikes to be gone.

So is it actually ever illegal to lock your bike up to a meter?  SF's laws don't say there is anything wrong with locking your bikes up in a white zone, but I'm sure cutting bikes from meters isn't cool.  That said, next time you're in the TL, watch out for ornery strip club owners mugging your bike.

[photo by miss.libertine]

Comments (15)

Say we organize it so that one of the stops on Critical Mass’ agenda is the New Century, right? Surely they’ll change their mind if we patronize the joint.

hey hipstertard; how bout just not lock your fuckin bikes to a meter next time? ever think of that?

On 99 percent of streets in SF, you can lock your bike up to a parking meter, or you can not lock your bike up at all.

I’d be curious to hear what Paul Rose, SFMTA spokesman, would have to say on whether it’s legal to lock up a bike in a whitezone.

Hey anoncoward! If there are no bike racks available, Meters are where bikes get locked to. Don’t like it? Then put in bike racks. Until then? STFU.

This post cracked me up, especially the opening paragraph. I love your writing style - it’s similar to how I write my travel journal.

Excellent!

Sounds to me like someone needs to get some junk bikes and the heaviest chains you can find and lock them to every single available object in front of this fucker’s establishment.

This is clearly the last straw and time to start a New Century boycott and their back room “party favors”. Have to stick to O’Farrell Bros. (unless they’re the same owners) or North Beach

I know I’m late to the dance, but Kevin/UA should tell everyone to go here: https://www.sfbike.org/?bikerack and request a bike rack for 816 Larkin St. SF, CA 94109.

Done and done.

not sure what the process for this is, but why not petition to have bike racks installed in front of the new century theater?

Speaking of 800 Larkin. Every Saturday there’s an open mic comedy show starting at 7:00 going till 9:00. (sign up at 6 ish)
Just park your hooptys in the right spot, so bouncer MCjiggles doesn’t put them in the street.

Hi there,

Thank you for your request for bicycle racks at this location. I have made a note to survey for two bicycle racks at this location and I have logged the information you’ve provided into our database. After receiving a request for bicycle racks, it may take up to 3 - 4 months for our staff to perform a field survey at the requested location. If the location is suitable for racks, final installation will follow within 4 - 6 weeks.

We recently received five requests for this location. I have blind copied two separate email addresses on this correspondence.

For your information: Bicycles are allowed to be secured to parking meters as well as to sign poles.

I’ll contact you if your requested location requires additional discussion or information.

Thanks again.

Ryan Dodge, Junior Planner

Livable Streets Subdivision

WELCOME TO THE TL! TRY NOT TO LET IT HURT YOUR FEELINGS

Outside the Warfield last night the bouncers were also trying to stop people from locking bikes to sign-posts, and threatening to vandalize them whilst the owners were in the theatre, etc.