Earlier today, I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and my 3rd burrito in 16 hours only to find that someone stole both my neighbor's and my crappy, decaying doormats.  Slightly annoyed at the fact I will no longer be able to wipe the dog shit off my kicks onto an ugly print of flowers, I decided to mention my plight to my friend Ben.  “Whatever, this is what my buddy has to put up with in the Tendernob.”