Guest Commentary: "Union Street Fest: The Most Pointless San Francisco Festival"

(Editor's Note: this was authored by reader Neb, resident of Alamo Square, “The land halfway between the Mission and the Marina.”  Frankly, I'm surprised anyone reading this blog would have gone to Union St. Fest, but whatever.)

Having the cultural depth of an MMA arena crowd in Ed Hardy shirts, the Union Street Festival managed to degrade my expectations of the SUV Strollerfest of babies who were conceived at Circa. Held just blocks away from the Marina, the bridge and tunnel crowd gave the people of Fremont an excuse to rival the Jersey Shore cast in the daytime. Rushing over 5 hours earlier then their normal blowout voyage in a race to the bottom, proving Union Street as the most pointless Festival in San Francisco.

While the rest of San Francisco was enjoying the sunshine by biking through Golden Gate Park, debating the merits of bros icing bros while drinking equally lame New Belgium in Dolores Park, or perfecting their papercraft wizardry of blunt rolling, B&T managed to cram together in Gary Coleman-sized, walled-off beer gardens in the middle of the street.

Outsourcing the arts directive to Sausalito photography galleries with the appeal of new tourist markets, the booths consisted of crafts too American Apparel for Indie Mart, Yupster corporations targeting people with actual jobs, and a get your picture taken with Gavin “Batman” Newson photo op. The rest of the tents consisted of generic overpriced festival food found at any event but this time hungry patrons were only constrained by their muscle shirts, not Outside Lands border fences.

A Marina acquaintance described their turn at the overrun, Union Street shit show as “horrible. So overwhelming with drunken douchebags.” (Her words, not mine).  Look for next year's festival to be sponsored by orange spray-on tanfriendly zero percent interest rate ING. See you next year, Circa 2011.

Comments (6)

ahem.

they have a great hot dog place just off Union Street that puts the Mission to shame. it’s not part of said fair but HEY!

Maybe I’m just too drunk, but this sucks. I’ve lived through this horrible display of boringness many times (due to the jobs I’ve worked in the area), and I never thought to word the experience as such. Union Street Festival should be wrapped up like this: “Fat assholes and their girlfriends crammed their way into one of San Francisco’s least cultural streets trying to pretend their lives aren’t boring. I saw some tits, I drank some beer, and I almost got ran over by some bitch with a stroller. I’d like to have that time that was taken from my life back.”

Why would the Union Street fair suck more than any other? Because its full of Marina people and hating on them makes you feel better about yourself?

All street fairs suck. Same bad art, same bad food migrating from neighborhood to neighborhood all summer long.

The “Birdge and Tunnel” moniker is very douchey itself. As a native of the city I have found that 75% od the asshattery to be commited by fellow natives. To somehow imply that poeple who live 30 minutes away from the city are that much different from the douches that live in the city is tired and old.

I know that we have a inferiority complex with New York, but we can give them back their phrase.

I went once. I was yelled at by men in the drinking zone. No provocation, just flat out drunken cat calls in the afternoon. It’s gross and embarrassing. And for the record, I went to support a friend who had a booth. It just seems like at other fairs, or even hoods, the drunks are nicer.

the sooner the next big one hits, the sooner the Marina is under water… again.

severed Union Street with wreckage and debris could possibly make for a more interesting festival, but let’s be honest, probably not.

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