(DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT, PRETEND THE TRICYCLE IS A CAR)

(All legit info bitten directly from the 'professional' journalists at KTVU; read some real news coverage here)

KTVU (try saying that out loud without following it up with a “FOX 2!”) is reporting that a motorist went on a rampage in the Mish and Potrero Hill tonight.  Four cyclists were the victims of consecutive hit and run attacks, presumably by the same aggbro.  Emergency response units were first called in at 9:45pm.  SFPD Lt. Lyn Tomioka told KTVU that the assaults occurred at the following locations:

1. 2700 block of Harrison.
2. 2800 block of 24th.
3. Intersection of 23rd and Pennsylvania. 
4. 17th and Missouri.

Three of the cyclists have been hospitalized and all are expected to survive.  The perp fled on foot like a little bitch after the 17th and Missouri assault.  Alright Mission, grab your pitchforks and find this douchebag, he's out there hurting people and giving us armchair haters a bad name.  Feel free to submit any sketches/artist renderings of the suspect to us at mailto:holler@uptownalmanac.com

In light of these events and out of respect for the victims I'm asking for a moment of silence, a 40oz of Colt 45 to be spilt at each location, and a full 24 hours without any 'fixie' jokes.  I'm looking at you Kevin.

(Author's note: In all seriousness, I hope everyone is okay.   Let's hope this fucktard gets caught and prosecuted quickly.)