San Francisco, is this a thing? Last night marked my first trip to AT&T Park* and it was the first time I’ve seen so many high schoolers congregate in one place since I went to the Warped Tour when Blink 182 headlined (save your jokes). Sitting in our ticketed seats and getting altitude sickness, a platoon of 12 kids from Fremont or some shit came rolling up, sat immediately behind us and spent the next 15 minutes yelling into their cellphones trying to find out where “my bitchaz” were. I’m pretty convinced that entire group of people had nothing in common beyond finding out where their friends were. I recognize my friends and I have nothing in common beyond getting ‘hella faded’ and pissing on houses neighboring Dolores Park, but that’s beside the point. Look, I know your “Ridin’ Dirty” ringtone is “fucking tight,” but baseball games are as close to visible patriotism and church as I get, so just put away your goddamn phones and just focus on drinking that vodka you smuggled into the stadium.
Anyways, we eventually moved after resupplying with $9 beers and petzels to another row of seats. About 20 minutes after we got there, another roving pack of post-puberty dogs descended upon us. Tired, defeated and broken, we just sat there dealt with it (by way of snarky comments and more beer).
HIGHSCHOOL PROTIP: back in the day (8 years ago), we didn’t bother people at baseball games or in places people actually wanted to be. No, we’d save the text messaging and blowjobs for the back row of Rob Schneider movies; far, far away from society.
HIGHSCHOOL PROTIP #2: If some guy turns around and says “If I just buy you some fucking beer, will you leave?” take the fucking offer. 1) Offers like that just don’t fall into your lap everyday. 2) He’s not trying to “creep on you,” he just thinks your that fucking annoying. Plus, if I wanted to creep on children, I’d join the Catholic Church (ZING!)
* It’s not that I hate baseball, it’s that I’m from Boston and the first time you step into a stadium that isn’t Fenway when the Red Sox are not playing, you get your Charlie Card permanently revoked.