Truthfully, I haven’t been back to SF Food Wars since Allan and I judged their inaugural event.  No specific reason, but I’m not one to buy tickets for shit in advance.  But today I had the opportunity to get a ticket 35 minutes before the event so I rolled in.  Didn’t really know what to expect other than I would be eating hella cookies while mildly hungover.

So I make my way over to Mighty and the line was out the door (expected).  Immediately some bouncer wearing a bluetooth carded me.  ”21+ to eat fucking cookies?”  “Yep.”  Get inside and the place is packed, there are skanky-ass bimbos wearing heels and there is some retarded, looping 45-second video of Jeresy Shore clips in which bros fist-pump and grind against girls.  Couldn’t handle it.  It’s a beautiful 70 degree day in San Francisco and I’m in a dark club shouting over blasting music on the Lord’s day.  Went outside to eat my cookies in a fenced-off smokers corral and eventually left.

I wasn’t until I got home that I learned that it was actually a Jersey Shore themed bake-off (which is inherently dumb for so many obvious reasons but GO TEAM), so maybe part of my hate was a little unmerited, but the whole event struck me as fucking annoying.  I’m not saying that every event on planet motherfucking Earth has to cater to Kevin Montgomery and clearly if you are selling tickets you are doing something right.  But that doesn’t take away fromt he fact that they’ve gone a long way from their humble beginnings at Stable Cafe.

BUT LETS TALK ABOUT THE COOKIES.

The cookies that won the awards were certainly not my choices but I’m not some pretentious food-snob that gives credit to shit for ‘innovation’ and ‘overcoming limitations’ I just like shit that tastes good ANYWAYS.  I overheard some mayonnaise bitches next to the token-vegan cookie plate saying “this isn’t good.  You just cannot make a cookie without eggs and butter.”  Figured it was probably legitimate since not everything vegan actually tastes good, but I ate one regardless.  FUCKING DELICIOUS.  Cookies were engineered by the gods themselves to have frosting on top of them and this trick was one of the only ones in the place to use it.

Also, some other girls made a cookie that was covered in gold glitter that tasted like an Oreo that was legit (pictured below).  I ate some other ones that was pretty ‘off the hook’ but I was more interested in having a date with Cold Beer, Cold Water than really takes notes.  SBI.