Check it out, kids. I know a lot of you girls have been looking for answers ever since you shamefully let that guy Rick fingerbang you in the back of his Prius after your swim meet. And guys? I know you have been wondering what it all means, in no small part due to the fact that no amount of male posturing is going to take away the feelings of guilt and confusion you experience when you softly pleasure yourself to the cover of the Old Trout  magazine you found in your stepfather’s work shed. You’ve seen the disapproving looks from churchgoers as you stumble along on your Sunday morning walk of shame, the glitter and dried blood on your trembling hands a sure giveaway that you do not have God in your life. Thinking for yourself has gotten you little more than a Valtrex prescription and some hazy memories, and seeing as how your mother tends to be on her third or fourth gin and tonic by the time you get home from ditching school, you need to find another irresponsible adult who can answer the most important question you will ever ask: Do I really even WANT to go to Heaven?

As someone who resembles an adult, I can assure you that you don’t, and I would like to suggest you just hurry up and GO TO HELL, please?

 If you’re scared of Hell, don’t be. It has long been said that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That is great news for a couple reasons! For one, scorned women are everywhere on Earth. You have probably seen them in Starbucks bitching about their distorted body images as they muscle through a venti frappucino with extra whipped cream. They are the type of women that will complain about the glass ceiling in their workplace while micromanaging your installation of a skylight in their home. If Hell hath no fury like these women, one must conclude that these women aren’t in Hell. Good. Let people who have lived a life without sin deal with their whining for eternity in Heaven. I will be in Hell, soaking in the hot tub drinking round after round of hot buttered rums with women who know their true value and judge themselves based on who they are as a person, rather than the strict and unfair standards imposed on them by society. And the best part is that based on all this, in Hell, if you get tired of a particular woman, you can just scorn her and she’ll disappear.

Scorned women really aren’t THAT bad, though, and if you’ve dealt with one of them here on Earth, you have already dealt with something worse than anything Hell can offer. So there are a lot of things worse than a scorned woman that apparently just won’t exist in Hell. Off the top of my head, that means there will be no Black Eyed Peas songs, empty bottles of whisky or hipsters, and that is enough to convince me to go there. Furthermore, there won’t be any babies. Most of us can agree that babies are the worst, so it stands to reason they wouldn’t be allowed in Hell based on the previously-described guidelines, but some of you may argue that babies should be allowed there because they bring nothing but joy and love into the world. If you are one of those people, you are an asshole, because you just said you wanted to send all babies to Hell.

It is also true that All Dogs go to Heaven. I know a lot of you are probably sitting around praying to die so you can be reunited with Sprinkles, your childhood pet. But that dog was mangy and flea-ridden when he got hit by that sedan, and he still is today. In fact, Heaven has surely by now become so overrun with dogs that it a veritable nightmare of rabies and bite scars. Everywhere you turn you see old, crippled dogs being humped into submission by their younger, virile counterparts.

The conclusion seems obvious. If you want to spend an infinite amount of time scratching your flea bites while some woman you don’t know complains about how her cloud isn’t as big as yours as you are driven rapidly insane by a deafening number of crying babies and yelping, raped dogs, Heaven is the place for you.

Otherwise, go to Hell, please?

*please mention this post to the men who are furiously masturbating at you on Chatroulette.com and remember: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is in theaters this June!!