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Today in High-Falutin Mixology: Cheeto-Infused Vodka
Readers, it's tough to stay ahead of the culinary curve in a city like San Francisco. Here at Uptown Almanac, we try to keep you, our foodie readers, abreast of the hottest trends in cocktailology, foodification, and general eatistry. We know that your discerning palates won't accept just any burrito, even if its strapped to your hands and inserted forcefully down your gullet. Uptown authors have sacrificed their stomachs, intestinal tracts, taste buds, and self-respect in the name of keeping you informed. Today we bring you the most recent installation in this pursuit.
Cheeto-infused vodka is the final frontier in trashy American drinking. We can't even tell you how we came up with this idea, but when you hang out at bars like Clooney's, sometimes inspiration comes in mysterious forms. Read on, fellow maverick drinkers, as we walk you through the step by step process of making (and enjoying!) a Cheeto-infused vodka shot of your very own.
Step One: Put Fergie's "Glamorous" on the jukebox. Flossy flossy!
Step Two: Order a shot of well vodka, neat.
Step Three: Open your bag of crunchy Cheetos and select the two beefiest, most robust curls to use in your shot. Set them aside, protected from your friends' grabby hands. Devour all remaining weak, puny Cheetos before proceeding.
Step Four: Place your finest Cheeto specimens in the vodka shot. They will float at first. This is because Cheetos are mostly air. That's why they're a health food; your body spends more calories digesting all that air than are in each Cheeto. It's science. Anyway, be patient with your floaty Cheetos as they will eventually absorb enough vodka to sink. Pound a beer while you wait to fortify your insides for the assault to follow.
Step Five: Gently prod your Cheetos to aid in vodka absorbtion and general mixification. Like so:
Step Six: Your Cheeto shot should now be ready for consumption. But wait! Here lies the best part about the Cheeto shot - it's a two-part treat! One part shot, one part tasty vodka soaked Cheeto. Remove Cheetos from the vodka, and pop 'em in your mouth. At first you feel like you have a normal but somewhat wet and soggy Cheeto in your mouth. But then you bite into it, and your mouth is suddenly filled with an acidic, lukewarm geyser of Popov's vodka and MSG. Mmm mmm tasty! Results should look something like this:
Step Seven: Take the shot. You know how this is done. Expect a reaction similar to this:
The bitterness of the vodka is quickly overwhelmed by the perverted pang of MSG. The assault of the Cheeto shot befuddles the tastebuds and confuses the mind of the consumer. It's so disgusting, you don't want to swallow it - yet you know that holding it in your mouth is the only thing worse than swallowing. Cheeto-infused vodka is the ultimate bridge between childhood and adulthood, where your whimsy and youthful sense of adventure compels you to find new uses for your favorite childhood snack and your favorite adult beverage. It's the perfect balance, for when you want both vodka and cheese without the inconvenience of consuming both separately.
Estimated Cost: $5 ($4 vodka shot, $1 baggie of Cheetos from behind the bar)
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Share on TumblrTweet4 CommentsOverheard in the Mission
-Tallest member of an unhappy bachelorette party in way over their heads at Minako Sushi on Mission and 18thish.
Share on TumblrTweet13 CommentsOverheard in the Mission
-Tallest member of an unhappy bachelorette party in way over their heads at Minako Sushi on Mission and 18thish.
Share on TumblrTweet13 CommentsCelebrate Skeeball's Arrival with a Charity Skeeball Tourney at Dr. Teeth
As we mentioned last week, a skeeball machine was spotted hanging out outside of Rhea's during Sunday Streets. And this made us freak out. Why? Because we love skeeball, damnit, and we aren't particularly down with biking out to the Richmond to play.
Well, the machine's owner, noted skeeball champ Joey the Cat, has found a permanent home for it right in Dr. Teeth's backyard and they're celebrating its arrival with a cancer research fundraiser TONIGHT before Broke-Ass Stuart's party. Joey fills us in:
The tourney is free to enter, but they'll be charging $1 per game (all of which is donated to blood cancer research, of course). Also, THERE'S SKEEBALL IN THE MISSION NOW.
[Thanks, Joey!]
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Share on TumblrTweet12 CommentsBecoming a Beautiful Stoned Butterfly
Dude. dddduuuuddddeeeeee...... u lookin at this thing? It's like a metaphor for the Obamanati endorsing gay marriage. Right? Like, when he finishes suckin' down that jammer, wings will bust outta his fascist lil' cocoon and fly to the Middle East and end our imperialist wars for Israel.
Wait. Whoa. I think I might be wrong. Like. What's up with that Indian feather thing? Is this a hungover hipster burrito? Fuck dude, how'd it get that joint in its mouth when it has no arms? fuuuuccckkk are armless man-burritos comin' at our crops? Where's our pit bulls at dude?
im so high. i think im hungry for pizza
namaste.
[Thanks, WBTC!]
Share on TumblrTweet3 CommentsRental Prices Wwwaayy Up in Every Neighborhood You Want to Live In
Perhaps not much of a surprise here, but it's still somewhat jarring to learn that in just one year (from Q1 2011 compared to Q1 2012), apartment rentals are up 29% in the Mission, 65% in Bernal, 53% in Western Addition, and up by double digits pretty much everywhere else. This all is according to Lovely (in conjunction with CurbedSF), "a local apartment hunting site, [which] compiled the data using figures based on indexed apartment listings posted on Craigslist."
From Curbed:
It's also worth noting that the Mission is regaining its reputation as one of the "cheaper" (cough) "hip" (puke) neighborhoods: Bernal and Western Addition have all climbed ahead in average rental prices, Potrero Hill has soared past, and Bayview is hot on the Mission's tail.
Share on TumblrTweet30 CommentsNotoriously Strange Vegan Raw Joint Cafe Gratitude to Become a Horrifyingly Delicious Grilled Cheese Place
We're a week behind on this and only learning about it now, so please excuse our tardiness...but cult-favorite Cafe Gratitude on Harrison and 20th is, in fact, closing down at the end of the month and being replaced by an outpost of SOMA's oozy and popular American Grilled Cheese Kitchen. Inside Scoop reports:
While I'm sure everyone is mourning the loss of Gratitude's famous grass cracker sandwich or whatever, we now have a bona fide grilled cheese establishment that we can hit up for a healthy breakfast at 8am. But be warned, American charges upwards of nine bucks for a sando, which is certainly causing many of you to gasp and sneer and declare the death of the neighborhood. And maybe it is the death of the neighborhood. However, now you don't have to walk into that building and tell a bunch of shitty vagabonds "I am transformed" or "I am fulfilled" when you're hungry as fuck and all you want to do is overpay for a salad.
A gratifying win for the Mission, if I do say so myself...
[Inside Scoop | Photo by Scott Savage]
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Share on TumblrTweet9 CommentsNew Frontier in Hipster Pets: Peeing Pigs
The Social Media Generation has had it pretty good with pets. From Boston Terriers to purse puppies to highly bloggable tabby "kittehs," we've been afforded a calvary of beasts whose mere appearance inspires "awwws" and "lols," bringing a whimsical smile to even the most cynical and cold CEOs of this economically-haggard nation.
But over the years, these animals have gotten tired. Another captioned cat pic doesn't elicit the same "likes" it did years ago, and comedy pros have come to lament the use of cliche cute animals to elevate otherwise mediocre comedy. How do we climb out of this four-legged recession?
The fashionable folks of Brooklyn have it all figured out: pigs! You'll be strolling down the boutique-lined streets of Williamsburg when your nose catches a scent, "Man, this place reeks pig piss." Then you turn a corner to find a hulking swine with its snout deep in a rusty drivetrain, urinating in disgust at a clunky, neglected bicycle. As you follow the pig's leash to its owner, you notice the owner's laugh as she becomes conscious of her and her lil' piggy's joint taste in transportation. "Yeah Oinks! If I could, I'd tinkle on that hunk of shit too!"
Next thing you know, you're pinching your nose shut and leaning over for a choice shot of a judgmental hog in a muscle shirt just letting go on Metropolitan Ave. The internet has been saved, praise lordy! Let's prance out to the Central Valley and adopt the very pets we ran away from when we moved to The Big City in the first place!
Share on TumblrTweet8 CommentsInterview: SFPD Discusses Recent Crackdown in Dolores Park
We've been slightly alarmed by the police presence in the park this spring--undercovers asking picnickers for heroin, arresting Cold Beer, Cold Water (and him being scared into only selling water), cops walking around warning people about smoking and open containers. In fact, since the new playground opened, there's been a reported 17 arrests made in the park and Dolores has lurched closer toward becoming the kid-safe wonderland neighbors long for (whatever that looks like).
While we're all pretty bummed that we can't buy weed cookies in the park anymore and we'll be forced to head to Golden Gate Park, The Panhandle, 16th and Mission, Bum Shoots, 24th and Folsom, 4th and Mission, any corner in the TL, 7th and Market, Medithrive, call up that dude Ron, Barah's "Heroin" Market, some dorm near Daly City, or The Vapor Room to get our hook-up, the precedent of cops patrolling the park and cracking down on its unregulated, yet in-check fun is a concerning development. Is it that unreasonable to give responsible adults a small, two block space to do what we do outdoors?
We reached out to SFPD's Mission Station and the Department's Media Relations division (which is paid to respond to "press inquiries") about the situation multiple times this week (starting on Tuesday) with some questions about what is happening in the park, to start a dialogue. This is what they got back to us with:
UA: Just to confirm, have there been 17 arrests made, and over what time period?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: What have the crimes associated with the various arrests been?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: While we've seen an uptick in police presence in Dolores Park every spring over the last few years, it's been notably worse this year. Why have the police been more active in the park this year?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Most people have noticed a direct correlation between police presence in Dolores and the opening of the new Hellen Diller Playground. Is this in fact related?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Has your department been receiving more complaints from parents and neighbors since the playground opened? What kind of complaints are you receiving?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Has any one person, or group of persons, motivated the police department to become more active in the park?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: It has been reported (and observed), that SFPD tends to focus their action in the south-west corner of the park, a space typically used by the gay community. Is there a reason for that?
SFPD: No comment.
UA: Residents have found it troubling that only one arrest has been made following the destruction of area businesses and Mission Station on April 30th, yet 17 non-violent D.I.Y. entrepreneurs have been arrested for selling goods (and drugs) in Dolores Park. Moreover, hotspots like 16th and Mission continue to serve as open markets for hard drugs and violent crime. While we're not asking if you think it is okay for SFPD to ignore the law in Dolores Park--or anywhere, do you think that there is an inappropriate allocation of police resources given the arrests made in Dolores Park vs. what is done to clean up much more violent areas of the Mission?
SFPD: No comment.
Thanks, SFPD! Keep doing what you're doing.
[Pic by Prolly Is Not Probably]
Previously on Uptown Almanac
Share on TumblrTweet26 CommentsBe "Scene" at Dolores Park With New Mobile App
Amid the sea of useless iPhone apps and silly time wasting mobile games, sometimes there is a shining star just waiting to be plucked from obscurity and downloaded right onto your pretty, unsmashed iPhone. This app isn't shaping up to be one of them.
Dolo supposedly helps you find your friends in Dolores Park. Awesome! We need another "where is everyone having a bitchin' time without you" app in the mix. Also, finding people in the park is hard.
First, you have to sign on through Facebook, which makes sense since it needs to populate itself with your friends list, but still annoying because it's Facebook and I'm a hater (who uses Facebook all the time regardless). Also, the tagline for the app is really unfortunate: "Finding Friends, And Being Scene, At Dolores Park"?
Putting aside the horrific grammar and awful landing page pun, this app could have potential. Could this finally be the app that geo-locates your friends in Dolores so that you no longer have to stand in the middle of Hipster Hill waving like an idiot trying to find your already tipsy friends? Is this the day when you can beeline it straight to your crew, avoiding dudes masturbating under blankets and gnargle-infested drum circles?
No, not today. Once you're logged into the site, you only see which of your friends have checked into the park via Facebook. I hate to break it to you, young app developers, but this app already exists, and it's called foursquare.
(Also, it would totally help any app trying to pinpoint your homies in Dolores Park if anyone actually got cell phone reception there on a Saturday afternoon. Amiright AT&T?!)
Photo via Mark Pritchard
Previously on Uptown Almanac
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