I don't think before I type's Posts
In the midst of all this Four Loko banning (then caffeine-removing) business, I found myself thinking again and again that Four Loko would never have existed and none of this would be happening if two years ago they'd just let us keep our original-recipe Sparks. I don't know if you all remember this as it was kind of a while ago, but in the wake of the Sparks formula change back in I think January of 2008 two girls made their own "bathtub Sparks" out of Red Bull, King Cobra and Pez candies. To recap, they blind taste-tested it in front of Pops and out of three taste testers, two thought the homebrew was real Sparks.
Well, history has repeated itself once again, and some dude went & made what he's calling homebrewed Four Loko. Here's the recipe:
Yeah, it's a few more steps than the Bathtub Sparks was, but the yield appears to be at least 3 servings so maybe it's worth it?
Also, on an only somewhat related sidenote, a friend of mine told me the other day that the European equivalent of Four Loko is this stuff,
Desperado Red: a delicious, wholesome mixture of beer, tequila, cachaça and guarana, all in an oh-so-classy glass bottle (which definitely would have spelled disaster had I been drinking this stuff this summer.) If the news of the Four Loko reformulation has reached France (where this stuff originates) already, they must think we Americans are colossal party rookies. Dudes, we cannot allow France of all places to believe we're party rookies. NOT OKAY.
I caught a glimpse of this in the front window of the Factory 2 U store on Mission & 23rd.
Even though it was pouring rain and I was horribly hungover I had to stop and take a picture of what might be one of the creepiest things I've ever seen.
Seriously though readers, who has a cute baby I can borrow for an afternoon and dress up as an old man from 1886? I can envision the calendar now; let's show Anne Geddes who's boss!
Apparently the candidates for the Mayor of Oakland have more interesting qualifications than I thought. My friend Parisa just made these ... and they're pretty awesome. These three are my favorites, but check out Oakland Elections 2k10 for the rest.
Parisa is also the author of a really clever alternative sex blog, which can be found here.
For those of you who care, sorry I haven't posted here in a dog's age. I got kind of caught up with the whole moving-to-Oakland-and-starting-at-a-new-school thing, and I've also kind of been on a monthlong Four Loko bender. It's truly the devil's juice. Anyway though, this (sure to be awesome) skate video is showing at the Victoria Theatre on 16th & Capp on Sunday night at 7:30.
I think everyone should go. Even if you don't care about skateboarding, you should go anyway because some of the guys in it are cute.
And if you're still unconvinced because you don't care about skateboarding OR cute boys, then ... um, what's wrong with you? One man, five syllables: Kevin "Spanky" Long. Swooooon.
So the other day my friend Kahla showed me this highly comprehensive list of types of bitches that a third grade teacher in Washington, D.C. found on the floor in a hallway of school … and I am LOVING IT. My personal favorites are "got all that mouth but can't step bitches," "bitches that be ignoring you when you know they can hear you" and "uncreative bitches." You can find the whole list here.
This morning Kahla & I were inspired to compile a Types of Bitches list more suited to our immediate social environment. We're calling it Types of Bitches: Mission Edition. With only 25 entries it's just the beginning of the full compilation, so feel free to suggest any bitches we may have missed in the comments.
So far, we have identified:
1) Chrome bag but no bike bitches
2) Resident DJ bitches
3) Selling doilies and owl necklaces on Etsy bitches
4) White bitches who think they're "down" 'cause they listen to Too Short
5) Throwing up in Delirium bitches
6) Toms-wearing smelly feet bitches
7) "Are those skulls?" bitches
8) You just locked the wrong wheel of your bike up bitches
9) Head-to-toe American Apparel bitches
10) Unemployed bitches who think they're artists
11) Flask of Ancient Age in the bar bitches
12) Morrissey tattoo having bitches
13) Moustache party throwing bitches
14) Crush on a bike messenger bitches
15) Trust fund having but pretending to be poor bitches
16) Leather-wearing vegan bitches
17) Thinking they're all that modeling vintage for their friend's eBay store bitches
18) Peacock feather earring bitches
19) Walk of Shame down 24th St. bitches
20) Bitches you can tell were scene kids back in high school
21) Won't stop talking about how much they love Portland bitches
22) Stripping to pay for that postgraduate philosophy degree bitches
23) Bitches fucking that guy you used to fuck
24) Been "26" for the past five years bitches
25) Butchering Salt-n-Pepa songs at 500 Club on Sunday night bitches
What type of bitch are you? Right now I'll admit to being #11 and slightly #14. I was #6 for about two weeks back in the summer of 2007. It wasn't a good look.
A short film by Brawlio Elias will be screened, featuring knitwear bikinis by a very talented local designer, Magdalena Trever. There will be DJs, drinks, models mingling in bikinis and free PLOOM tobacco vaporizer tastings, which I can personally attest to be delicious. It'll be a sexy, fun evening and you don't want to miss it.
Sex+Design is a new local online fashion & culture magazine; peruse at your leisure. Just based on Faggus Howard's writing in the Fashion section I can tell these guys throw a great party.
Death By Bikini is happening this Wednesday, July 7th, at Harlot in SOMA. 8pm. $10. See you there.
Yesterday my friends & I got up bright and early (read: around noon) and mobbed out to Baker Beach ... after making a quick pit-stop on Clement for some mimosa-making supplies. It was foggy when we got there, so we spread out our blankets on the clothed side - among dudes in Polartec vests walking golden retrievers and a Russian wedding with no fewer than eight inches of clip-in hair extensions per bridesmaid - and ate our lunch.
An hour or so later, the sun broke through the fog, the sky cleared and my friend and I managed to talk everyone else into a mass migration to (dun dun DUN) the Naked Side.
While obviously I can't put naked pictures of myself and my friends frolicking in the ocean on this blog, suffice it to say it was an invigorating experience.
There is truly nothing like climbing on rocks barefoot, seaweed between your toes, as the waves crash all around you, nothing like running naked through the surf with a 40 of High Life in your left hand and a carton of Tropicana in your right. I can't help but throw out a really trite reference here, but ... I've sometimes wondered what it's like to be on one of Ryan McGinley's infamous naked roadtrips. If yesterday was any indication, the answer is really, really amazing.
For real though, readers, you all should do this! Maybe you can't afford to jet off to the Ligurian Riviera for topless sunbathing, but it is fully possible to create a little piece of Cinque Terre right here in San Francisco. I'm not a hippie by any means, but being naked in nature is straight-up fun.
We've all oohed and aahed over the Victorian era footage of the carriage ride down Market Street (My, that man's derby hat looks positively smashing! ... are those horses?) but honestly, I find the footage in this video from 1984 far more compelling.
It's just some guy driving down Broadway onto the Embarcadero Freeway (for those of us born post-Loma Prieta who don't actually remember it, that part is actually pretty cool) and across the Bay Bridge. Towards the end he's listening to "White Lines" by Melle Mel on the radio. Basically this video is everything - well, almost everything, since the 49ers aren't in this - that I've imagined being awesome about San Francisco in the 80s, all rolled into one. If I actually were to time-travel to the city in 1984, I'm pretty sure that I'd inevitably end up intervening in my parents' budding romance and screwing up my future existence, but after seeing this, I think it's a risk I'm willing to take.
This second video is much prettier than the other one and shows many different parts of the city, like Fisherman's Wharf when it was actually charming and not horrifying, and Mission Street when those empty theaters that will soon be condos were actually theaters. The parts shot around Nob Hill look basically the same as today, but the rest is mind-blowing.
Maybe it's just the aged quality of the film, but in this old footage the city looks so clean and well maintained, and everyone's dressed really well. I guess the world of the early 1960s really did look exactly like Mad Men! Let it be known that I fully support a resurgence of skinny ties in the Financial District suit-wearing population. For now when I want to see cute sixties style my only option is to go to Edinburgh on Wednesday nights.
So anyway, you know how sometimes on Mission Mission they post about something from San Francisco way back when and all the old timers take to the comments and reminisce? I'd be really psyched if that were to happen on this post. I love all those stories about how much cooler this city was before the dot-com boom.
So my friend Kahla and I just happened upon the SF Weekly Readers' Poll winners of 2010. We've been embroiled in a heated discussion over Facebook Chat for the past hour, and all I can say is, wow, most of these are pure WTF. You can find the winners here.
(New Village Cafe; THIS is what a delicious greasy spoon breakfast looks like!)
First of all, what is up with some of the categories? It seems as though many of them were created with a specific business in mind. As much as I love Kozy Kar minus all the Marina-ness, it doesn't make sense to vote a place "Best Place to Get Drunk on a Waterbed" when, as far as I know, it's the only bar with waterbeds, which most of the time are unusable anyway since all the Marina people throw their coats on them. As for "Best Club Night to Wear Flannel," let's be honest, most people who go to Debaser probably wear flannel every other night they go out. Overall I think the nightlife ones are the worst. For one thing, we aren't exactly sure how Supperclub is a Bizarre Nightlife Experience, other than that it's, as Kahla eloquently puts it, "full of tacky people with no style." If we wanted to see that, we'd skip the $70 dinner, roll to some happy hour bar in the Financial District and maybe have the added bonus of finding me a rich, absentee husband. If the category were "Best Cocaine-Fueled Shithole" instead of "Best Hipster Bar," I can see how Delirium would be a shoo-in, but I'm not hating. Clearly those elusive hipsters they speak of didn't vote in this poll, but hey, least the SF Weekly hasn't blown up a bar that I actually like.
I could quibble with the Food & Drink winners for hours, and I recognize that much of it is just a matter of taste -- evidently, I have better taste than most people who vote in SF Weekly reader polls -- but I really couldn't live with myself if I didn't address "Best Greasy Spoon." The Pork Store? Really? Having a lot of cholesterol in your food does not a greasy spoon make. Readers, do yourselves a favor and take your broke, hungover asses to one or more of the following: Golden Coffee on Sutter & Leavenworth, New Village on Polk & California or Mission's Kitchen on Mission & 23rd ... unless, of course, you're one of the people who voted for The Pork Store and you like overpaying to clog your arteries. Seriously though. Golden Coffee. Order the pancake sandwich. Greasy enough to block alcohol from further absorbing into the lining of your stomach, but not so greasy to necessitate a Tums pregame. If that's not perfection, I don't know what is.
Anyway, did this incite violent anger in anyone else but me? Which winners did you agree or disagree with, and who deserved the award?
On Friday afternoon, I decided to get out of the city and its horrid overcast weather and spend the day drinking beers in a rowboat.
Yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.
We met up in Berkeley and drove out Highway 24 into the picturesque (read: bougie, white) town of Lafayette. In town we failed to find Four Loko anywhere (god, suburbia, get it together!) and ended up buying beer and Cooks instead. At the Lafayette reservoir we rented a rowboat and set out to sea lake pond. I won't go on about the rest of our afternoon, I just wanted to share this lovely day trip with Uptown readers because I imagine many of us tire of spending every sunny day at Dolores Park and, especially given the impending closures, it's nice to have alternative places for outdoor daytime drinking.
Although we drove, the Lafayette Reservoir is highly BART-able. Once you're there, parking is $6 and boat rental is $25 for up to 5 hours. There's a Safeway pretty nearby for picnic food and drink. If you intend to get Lok'd though, you'll probably have to make a pit stop in Oakland or be sorely disappointed like we were. More info about the Lafayette Recreation Area can be found here. Let's go Summer 2010!
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