I don't think before I type's Comments

If you have a few million bucks lying around that you don't want to spend on the Dolores Park Church and would rather spend on a lame bar, Mission real estate owner/enemy of Buddhists Gus Murad is apparently selling off all his property on Mission St.  According to Mission Loc@l, Value Giant is pending a sale that's the equivalent of 4.5 million bottles of $1 dish detergent, Medjool and Elements Hostel is listed at $7.1 million, and the New Mission Theater is apparently being sold to "a very hot group from New York" for a measly $2 million.

That hot group is rumored to be the owners of Brooklyn Bowl, which means the Mission could be getting a bowling alley hella soon.  The realtor of the space tells Mission Local, “Let me tell you, you think the Mission’s hot right now, but if this deal goes through the Mission is going to explode.”  That's basically positive proof that we're getting a bowling alley, because the only things that could make the Mission explode are a nuclear holocaust, bulldozing Valencia, or a bowling alley.  My money's on the bowling alley.

As for Medjool?  Hopefully the new owner burns it to the ground and starts anew.

UPDATE: Turns out Mission Loc@l totally botched the story.  Neither Value Giant nor New Mission are up for sale.  Curbed has the correct info.

(link | photo by Joshua Dickens)

The answer to that question is there is no such thing as a "hipster."  But, let us allow them to explain their theory anyway:

It’s a question that’s no doubt top-of-mind for every armchair sociologist in the neighborhood: Given our proximity to the Mission, to say nothing of our spiritual and aesthetic affinity to same, why doesn’t Bernal Heights have a higher concentration of hipsters?

My analysis suggests the answer lies squarely at the intersection of Fashion Boulevard and Topography Way. Specifically, the relative dearth of hipsters in Bernalwood can only be explained by the fact that riding around here on a fixie just plain sucks. In the hipster’s obligatory skinny jeans, it may even be impossible. Ergo, few hipsters.

Nope, that's not it.  In fact, two of the biggest industry dirt bags I know lived up in Bernal before moving out of town.  One, in fact, used to co-own a messenger company, so if their theory is solely baked around the tired "hipsters ride fixies" stereotype, they got it wrong.

So, why don't cool kids want to live in Bernal Heights?  Is it because there is no critical mass of people migrating there?  Is it because the view from the top of Dolores is all one needs?  It's too quiet?  No bars?  Too many kids??  Because Bernal Heights residents generalize and mock modern urban culture???

(photo by Bernalwood)

Hey I don't know if you've heard but there are fucking burritos in San Francisco and everyone who moves here wants to be an expert on where to get a sloppy tube of diarrhea roulette. Like they are the first to ever have a fucking burrito. 7x7's latest shitty idea is to combine a burrito gang bang posse with Chipotle connoisseurs and a burrito clown car to form some kind of idiot council of the elders to finally solve the question that has been plaguing amateur Mexican food eaters everywhere. This shit has been done to fucking death. I know people are attached to the burrito, but it has fucking jumped the shark and drowned in a super pool of shitty crema picante bean juice runoff.

Yes, it's easy to hate on 7x7 but if there is one question that annoys the goddamn piss out of me it's "where do I get the best burrito?" You know what? fuck you with that bullshit. Still getting by on your foil wrapped training wheels because your dumbass just upgraded from fucking nachos. It's 2010 we don't need a goddamn panel to tell us where to get a fucking burrito. I don't give a fuck about Mission Local's shit poll guide for the blind.  Eating burritos doesn't make you an expert on shit. It's a fucking burrito and it's fucking boring. Hell I haven't even had one in over a year because I got tired of them. Sure it might be fun when you first get to sf and discover taquerias all over your new stomping grounds but they aren't shit, you are not the first. Fucking Taco's still shit on your tube of rice and beans. Oh but you want something big you can unwrap and fill you up. GET A GODDAMN TORTA BECAUSE SANDWICHES ARE STILL IN THE MOTHERFUCKING GAME.  The game doesn't start and end with the burrito.

See that's probably the most aggravating part about the where do I get the best burrito question. It just screams amateur status. You are a tourist when it comes to the game. I don't give a fuck about your stories about bliss found in the depths of a super carne asada burrito. The reality is that you are at the discovery level of carne asada fries garbage plate consumers. You're not special doggy, your opinion aint shit.  You want to be a boss in this game? Find some perfectly fried buche, enchiladas that never touch a stove, legit tamales that you didn't buy at 2 am from a bucket, tell me where some awesome cochinita pibil is, tell me when you can actually tell when you got real refried beans that didn't come out of a can just to be heated in a fucking microwave, or find some real ass barbacoa, or who makes flan with goat milk. Shit tell me anything. No one cares that you are the 1 zillionth customer to discover an above average burrito, that's like telling me where you like to get your daily cup of hot dirty water aka coffee. It's just not that goddamn impressive.

BURRITO EXPERT = CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS OF THE MEXICAN FOOD GAME

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Mission Loc@l Attempts to Name "The Best Burrito"

If you missed last night's episode of Sons of Anarchy, you missed a glimpse on what could be one of the most significant liquor industry game-changers since the 21st amendment.  I'm actually amazed no one has thought of this sooner.  Its size is perfect for the movie theater, park, or high school cafeteria.  Plus, it makes a fantastic popping noise when you stomp on an empty.

Anyway, I've searched the internets far and wide to figure out where I can buy this groundbreaking product, but all that turns up where a bunch of queries on Yahoo! Answers trying to find the same thing.  Perhaps this was just a teaser product placement?

(gif via Dan's Page)