I don't think before I type's Posts

OMG WHAT? 7x7 has a post up calling for submissions for SanFranlandia, which is their way of ripping off Portlandia and making me want to murder them all at once! 

This comment from some delightful person named "fat wanda" who needs to be my bff is right on:

Really, 7x7? How about a parody of the Marina? Or the FiDi? Or culture that you're actually part of? Because that MIGHT be funny? Maybe?

You're not vegan, you're not bike culture, you don't know these people, and so you're attempts are just lame and embarrassing.

Exactly! You can't make fun of veganism, buying local, composting, backyard bee keeping, brewing kombucha in a bathtub, and plaid shirted bro's who look they're about to go prospect for gold because that's not who YOU are. There are plenty of websites and blogs that can and already do it better than you ever could. So, knock it off. 

You're the pretty girl. You're like Natalie Portman complaining that women aren't allowed to be beautiful and funny*. No, lady, it's just that you are not funny. Know who you are! Shit, funny women aren't cast all the time because they're not pretty, why not help get them roles**? Kristen Schaall should be in everything, and there are a million more like her. Anyway, tangent. Point is: embrace who you are, 7x7, and run more stories about sample sales and recipes for trampatini's. Or, if you want to parody something, why not all the boots on Chesnut street? That's something you know a lot about.

Annnnd: One more time, in case you forget, THIS IS YOU:

*And you know her idea of funny is like, a beautiful woman farting on a date. HILARIOUS. 

**Shit, bring them some rolls too, they probably hungry! Not working and shit because they're not pretty. I mean, JESUS.

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• 7x7 calls Medjool a "dbag playground". We say, "OH THAT'S RICH!"
• 7x7's Team of Foodie Mavericks Declare Chipotle the 5th Best Carne Asada Burrito in SF
• 7x7: "Achieving street cred is not the goal of a date" and "We're racists!"
• And What Do 7x7 Readers Think About Blue Bottle Coming to Dolores Park?
• Apparently the 7x7 Art Department Smokes HELLA WEED

If you're not familiar with Jam Hands, she's a ukelele playing maniac who lives in the Tenderloin, where she walks her dog and writes awesome music. Her songs are mean and funny and they just keep getting better and better. Here she is singing Modest Geologist, which is a personal favorite and during which she rhymes undies with Kelly Bundy and Delta Burke lingere with punk rock ways WHAT and YES:

Also, Never Have Sex with Yr Boss! So good. And FOR REAL. Anyway, you can see her perform as part of Bitchez Brew Rusts in a Truck (I didn't make up the name, okay?) at 9 p.m. on Friday, February 25th, at Kaleidoscope Free Speech Zone. I'll be there with my jam hands t-shirt and my jam hands baseball cap. That's how you'll know it's me.

p.s. an aside: you've all seen the Weekend at Bernies dance craze, right? I know it's hella old but: AMAZING. 

Hello Everyone! Long time, no see. Well, don't get used to this pretty face because I'm just stopping by to deposit a fat load of holiday cheer all over your face. So, UA friend Ben Pearson writes awesome movie reviews over on Tiny Mix Tapes and he put together this great piece, "The Art of Watching Bad Movies" and it's fairly awesome and includes many rad drawings and charts as sampled here:

Go read it! And enjoy a terrible movie or seven over the holiday break. What doesn't kill you just makes you a worse person. 

xoxo

Since conflict of interest is already my middle name, I want to alert you all to an excellent bakesale happening this Saturday (TOMORROW) in front of Herbivore on Valencia from 11 am to 4 pm.  All the money goes to help save highly endangered mountain Gorillas in DR Congo's Virunga National Forest and to Wildcare, an awesome wildlife hospital and education center in San Rafael. Seriously, if you find any injured animals in the bay area, take them to Wildcare unless you want them to be gassed or get subpar shitty care somewhere else.

ANYWAY, we're gonna have all sorts of ridiculously delicious shit there, including mountains of cupcakes, chocolate covered caramels, and pickled cauliflower. Yep. See you sluts there!