I don't think before I type's Posts
I got urine. We let some creeper status sleep on the couch after we got back around 6am from the "Black Valentine Masquerade" at Mighty last night/morning. It wasn't a Masquerade really so much as a bunch of burners on shitty drugs trying to find any sort of underlying rhythm to dance to within the constant wave of maxed out bass in between taking cigarette breaks every fifteen minutes to grind their teeth and talk about how to get more shitty drugs. Anyways, the lame club party isn't the point of this post.
Someone PEED ON MY COUCH. Like slept on the motherfucker and released the contents of his bladder. We think we know the culprit and we want you to know, if you're out there, we're coming for you.
As soon as it is confirmed, I will be posting pictures and information on the individual who pissed on my sofa. I would like to propose that everyone in the Mission (and maybe Northern California) engage in a good old fashioned shunning of this whiz-kid for the forseeable future. We can put flyers up:
"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY? KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ANYTHING YOU LOVE, HE WILL FALL ASLEEP AND PEE ON IT"
The amount of rage I felt as I stepped out of my bedroom into my living room to do a typical sunday morning damage report and saw that my couch was soggy made me feel like going to WalMart and breaking 20+ LCD TVS . As my coffee steeped in the french press, I turned my back to the stain. I turn around and the stain is still there. It seems that this tainted furniture is a reality of my life for now.
Mission, we must band together, this day. We must create a pariah. Do it for my couch, your couch, your children's children's hovercouches.
Meet the iDad. Announced today in a room full of virgins, the iDad has many new features that should give you the erections your wife stopped giving you five years ago. To the untrained eye, the iDad might look just like the iPop but the iDad is actually much larger and more awkward to hold than the iPop. You will be able to dock your iDad with your iMom and do everything your iPop did except now you can do it much more obnoxiously, blinding people with your giant glossy screen at Four Barrels coffee so you can check to see if your tumblr post about Apple Products got any reblogs while you were using the restroom. Future. Now.
If the recession could be summed up into a fast food item, it could likely be the new Mac Snack Wrap from McDonald's. I was alerted to the existence of this wrap while watching the Chargers lose to the Jets today, a commercial showed an attractive girl of vague ethnicity with curly hair biting into a Mac Snack Wrap. She looked at the camera with her snack wrap in her demographically inoffensive hands, gazed deep into my soul and said "eat this motherfucking snack wrap" with her eyes. Five minutes later I was at 16th and mission, hopping over an icehead on my way to McDonalds. I walk into the McDonalds and order my value priced $1.49 Mac Snack Wrap and a medium fries, "hold the corn syrup water my good man, I came merely for transfats". I carry it home, only slightly caring that I am a chubby dude carrying a bag of McDonald's home to eat alone.
The Mac Snack Wrap claimed to be "all that is Mac in a wrap". It was, in that "all that is Mac in a wrap" is not very good. It looks a lot different from it's advertised picture and it tastes roughly like a half-chewed Big Mac was deposited into a white corn tortilla. Iceberg lettuce, "special sauce" and new oddly shaped beef patties are not what we should be eating as human beings who respect ourselves. It is OK when stoned, but there is better food to eat at this price point, I recommend a tripe taco for $1.75 at an El Tonyanese truck if you want a tasty snack minus the self-loathing.
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