I don't think before I type's Posts
This summer San Francisco gets to live that parent life, so break out the your fancy fleece and post up in the park for the ultimate in hee haw activities, Outside Lands. Have you seen the line up? Man this shit looks better than the fake Coachella flyer we saw but were bummed when we found out they actually booked boring bands that parents might not know but probably do. Outside Lands has got everything you need: bands with people who look like they have osteoporosis, steampunk might make a guest appearance, some dumbass girl dancing with a hula hoop and/or staff, food booths with amazing things like vegan nachos, kim jong-un tacos, farm-to-turd soups, fancy water with brown shit in it, chocoshitheado, and all kinds of other gourmet fuckery.
Look, I’m not here to talk about that because food is not the point, so let's get back on this trainwreck. Outside Lands is about music first, not the performance fleece stroller sideshow just trying to get drunk on old juice. Outside Lands is bringing you the latest in music with amazing acts like fucking Paul McCartney! Yeah man, you can stand in a field with a bunch of other people wondering when the old lesbian is finally going to fall over or stop tucking his shirt in his fucking jeans. Have you ever seen Cialis work in reverse? It’s going down!
Oh but that’s not your thing? You’re a little FUNKY!?! Sweet dog, you can live out your dreams with the Red Hot Chili Peppers! These guys are as old as fucking Wal-Mart. Maybe they can do that song where you get to do rap hands like when you were in the 4th grade! Damn you're good at rap hands? Well shit I didn’t know yo, you need to get down with the hardcore styling of Jurassic 5. They do throwback rap, but shit these dudes are so fucking old there should be another group doing a throwback to them while a birkenstock remembers the time he tried to hump a headwrap at hiphop on the college green. Oh but fuck rap this is about hee hawing, if you want to listen to another old band that sounds like older bands that did boring better we can go see Band of Horses! The hee haw doesn’t even stop there, they got NIN for you sad face fucks in black. Gonna get some goth girl while we fuck like an 18hr bra still hanging on to a haircut from twenty years ago and snack on artichoke sandwiches, but don’t worry about getting overpumped, we can cool off from the blistering golden gate heat with shawarma snowcones. Then we can go hang out with the hula hoop girls and get our Dillon Francis on to some charlie brown teacher, she can be your trombone shawty! Oh pretty lights, FEEL THE BASS! I don’t even know what Twenty-One Pilots is but they make "piano-driven indie-rocktronica" and if that doesn’t say whitebread as fuck then I don’t know nothing about hee hawing. DANCE PARTY!
Willie Nelson will be there too so that we can smoke some tweed and dream of grey ponytails while we literally watch paint dry! LIVE FUCKING PAINTING DUDES! When has that not ever been hee haw? If we get too high, don’t even sweat about losing your mom at the festival we can always find her at the Hall & Oates memorial site. Tallest Man On Earth sounds like an acoustic gutterpunk who found soap. Don’t be scared of that one black guy bro, its D’Angelo. Outside Lands is the perfect festival for napping. I don’t even know why they have speakers on the stage. Are you more of a traditional hee haw? The Growlers have all the floppy hats and hobo croaking you could ever want, maybe we’ll get to see some suspenders or other kinds of old ass ways to hold up your clothes. Vampire Weekend will have someone foot stomping with their arms raised in a circle to tuba farts. Listening to The National is like listening to your dad tell you that boring ass story again but now you can listen to that story with your dad!
Ugh I have to quit, I decided to listen to Phoenix so I could make fun of their boring songs and I can’t put myself through this. This festival sucks. Someone should tell them not every band needs to sound like the same old stale-ass whitebread easily-accessible bullshit. If you like old people and boring music then go have fun. I can’t get with it and this city should just give up on festivals, SF is terrible at them. Festivals are shit in general but goddamn this town does shitty like no one else does shitty.
Mayne you know the music you're gonna play tonight is some bullshit ass playlist that is on some mom jam fist pump pitbull dr pepper rave level of boring ass brostep bloghousemashglowtrapxcrybabywave. What you need is some slapping ass bay classics straight out the crest. Oh don't worry if you don't know about the Crest, just roll with this shit. You probably have a better chance of spotting snopa la lengua hyperneighborhood on a map that you do the crest but, if you're looking for some credibility from the skrreet skirts just jam this shit and maybe your cubicle warrior homie will get with it if he fucks with some KC rap or he's just hella bent. If not fuck it, you'll probably get a drunk girl to throw up a dub and mabe you can skeet skirt on her later in the evening. Whatever mayne just bump this shit doggie, don't be threatened by the cuttiness. It's a R8R mix and if you know anything about that northern california trunk tape or the sac classics then you know this mix bumps hella horwd, fuck with it.
if you really hate rap then don't click and just help the people in the post below.
So Eater posted about Hi-Lo's new menu, that new bbq spot that is suppose to open whenever the fuck on 19th. Now I haven't had this food yet so I don't want to shit on them but fuck it, I'm shitting on them. You can peep the menu below. Look I'm about my bbq for reals and I'm not really sweating them for $18/lbs brisket. Franklin's is 16/lb and that's in Austin, so for SF the meat price isn't that bad. My issue is all the other bullshit on this menu. Dog I don't care about smoked almonds, duck wings, mussles, ten dollar fucking potato salads, fucking beets by dre, goddamn warm kale, fucking baby carrots and parsnips?!?! WTF kind of bbq is this dog? I mean I get it, you're trying to fancy it the fuck up for some hee hawing ass cubicle warrior, but come on fool you're doing counter service. I'm not trying to fuck with some Zynga-ass cafeteria lunch special of the fucking month. There are two things worth calling bbq on this list and that's brisket and the ribs. I don't even want to holler at the loin if you aren't fucking with some pulled pork. All this shit is just a big red flag telling me that if you're doing all that shit chances are you're gonna fuck up the main meats.
I'm still probably gonna try this spot but goddamn can't someone just stop giving us bullshit ass bbq in this town. Stop fucking around and smoke some meat proper like already.
(B.cause, me, Matthew)
Today I found out that my friend DJ Matthew Africa passed away this past Monday in a car accident. He was that dude of dudes, a generous and kind man with a wealth of knowledge that he shared with anyone. I'm still in shock and keep waiting for him to call me up and say it's bullshit and we're gonna get some beers before tomorrow night's rap show. He was a dj on KALX for years, wrote for Vinyl Exchange, made some incredible mixes (best of Too Short should be in everyone's rotation), we did a podcast together for the past year and a half. Most of all though he was an awesome person and today we all lost. Bay Area hiphop took a hit today and I can't believe I'll never see my friend but that is nothing compared to what his wife and family are going through.
If you've never heard him play I just suggest you check out his Soul Boulders mix series with B.Cause because it's fucking amazing. I miss my friend and just want to share things he did because he enjoyed sharing what he loved.
And just because it's Matthew, in 2008 we came together and released a 4th in a series of violent rap mixes I was releasing because we both really loved music about getting buck as fuck. (click the image for dl)
They mentioned AesopRock which made me do a double take, unfortunately the smarts behind their local shows round up failed to realize he is not an SF native. Whatever little shit, I use to bang float and earthworms a lot. Anyways if 7x7 is mentioning Aesop Rock shows then fuck it I'm gonna mention some shows.
scary time at DNA lounge for spooky day but if you want an early jump on scary time White Ring is also going to dj at FuturePerfect Thursday at Public Works.
Hey remember Kreayshawn? well her sidekick is at 330 ritch if you like bullshit.
This fool is playing Tormenta saturday.
Tidal Wave Metal Fest out at McLaren Park Saturday & Sunday and that shit is free fool.
Monday show gramps but for this one I'm actually giving away a pair of free tickets on Stay Hatin (a rap podcast I do). But yeah if you like raps about sucking dick with scary time beats or if you want to stage dive feet first you might want to holler at it.
Couple of SF rap videos from 93-95 because fuck that third eye blind fuckery. No one needs to revisit that bullshit ass music but you can floss your west bay player swag. And also the Get Low is one of the most fun dances you can do. You don't even have to be good at dancing, just bend your knees, bounce, and just look hella cutty when you're doing it.
I reach out to you, Internets, to tell me what in the fuck does this sidewalk moment of brilliance have to do with life? It's pretty fucking amazing but I don't know why it is exists and I really really want to know.
My friend Isaiah, he's from Tucson, made a rap video that looks like what it would look like if the internet threw up on your dreams. Actually he made the rap song with Max B and Rapewolf, Carne and Queso did the crazy graphics. I guess it's kinda NSFW if your work opposes smoking babies and total recall titties.
SF Lowrider documentary that you can watch on IMDB (
don't ask me why they don't allow embedding so just click the image, it's only like 25 minutes long anyways nevermind found it on youtube). A bunch of footage from the 70's and 80's about what car culture in this city use to be like. Something this town has traded for bullshit like standing in lines for mediocre brunch and soggy cups of dirty water and liquor that taste like old trees. Car Culture in the bay is shitty in general, stuck hanging on the fringe. Do kids even get drivers licenses in this town before they are 30? Even if it's some dumb shit like wings on a front wheel drive, primered out everything, rattling plates, or even rainbow tint. It would be better than nothing. Whatever, it's not like I'm copping triple gold d's anytime soon either but I put in my time at lowrider shows. Yes I was in a lowrider bike club, spent years collecting issues of all kinds of mags, sported atzlan tshirts and all that. Even when I was driving around in a crx with a b18 I still had a soft spot in my heart for a dumped caprice with 4 15's in the trunk.
Parts 2 & 3: