Marina residents, with their powerful appetite for alcohol and hair product, are the most agile species of homosapien found in San Francisco. The exact number of species that exists is a topic of debate, but scientists agree that there are either four or five distinct types. The most common found in nature are the shit-faced sororitute and the Ed Hardy.

Extremely expressive social creatures, Marina residents communicate with body gestures as well as with screeches, barks and whines that can be heard on Union St. as far away as Chestnut. Marina residents subsist primarily on ripened fruit, insects, birth control, Jägermeister and poultry, with marijuana cigarettes making up the remaining 20-30% of their diet. Fashion, sobriety and pregnancy are the animals’ only predators. Marina residents are quick and flexible, with a life span of roughly 27 years in the wild and 30 plus years in captivity.

These acrobatic primates demonstrate fission and fusion behavior: at night they bind together into one large unit of 20-40 individuals, but during the day they scour downtown in smaller groups of three to four. Scientists believe that this divide and conquer strategy allows all members of a community an equal opportunity to forage for marketing careers.

Females become sexually mature as early as age fourteen, while males are ready to mate at fifteen. They typically give birth to one offspring after a gestation period of nine months. Females breed year-round, delivering an infant to a Presidio dumpster yearly.  Unfortunately, invasive species from Washington D.C., threatens the native population.

(Editor's Note: this text is almost entirely adapted from a profile of Spider Monkeys in Costa Rica)