jesus

Jesus's Giant CRUCIFIX GUITAR For Sale on Craigslist! Sacrilege!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

UA reader Doug hips to the fact Jesus just sold the fuck out and is selling the famed cross guitar that won this year's Hunky Jesus Competition.  From the Craigslist ad:

Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park. Own a piece of San Francisco history with this rare collectible and fully functional musical instrument.

Standing at an imposing 6'6” tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5'' spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There's even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4” female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.

The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.

Make offer. Trades for motorcycles & tube amps will be considered.

Uhhhhhh, Jesus?  I know we haven't talked in a while, but I have to ask you: what's more badass?  Motorcycle?  Or GIANT 6'6” FUCKING CRUCIFIX GUITAR?!  HELLO.

I'm listening to Appetite for Destruction right now dreaming of how ridiculous it'd be to be Slash with a GIANT CROSS.  Yeah, I'm picturing a Tartine-line-down-the-block line of chicks queuing up to get banged by you.  And you're trading it for what? A 1958 James Dean/Hell's Angels throwback to badassery?  Weak.  Weak dude.

Anyway, that's my bout of unchecked envy for the week.  Sorry you had to witness that.  And, Jesus, I'm kinda broke right now, but I have a pound and a half of uncooked basmati rice and a N64 with four working controllers if you wanna trade.  Call me!

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Guys, quick! Let's prepare for Jesus!

— By Bailey Genine |

Okay, you've all seen this so I'm sure you already skimmed past it, but in case you're still reading, I'll provide you with some quick tips on how to prepare for Jesus, since, let's face it, you're probably not ready. If this lady is spending her holiday weekend asking if you're ready, then you're really not ready.  If you're still reading this, then I know, you're not ready. 

Basically one of five scenarios could happen when Jesus comes. 

1. Pool Party: Think back to Noah's ark. Now think about that “I'm on a Boat” song. Now throw in like 100 wild animals. THINK OF ALL THE PSEUDO HIPSTER GIRLS THAT WOULD BE ALL OVER THAT. You're so ready. Bring your ironic towel. 

2. Apocalypse: Jesus will dim the lights and say “it's about to heat up in here!” Then some crappy drum music will kick in and suddenly it's that dance party that you always talk shit about, but you really want to go to, but no one wants to go with you, so you just sit at home and drink PBR and talk about how American Apparel has really sold out, but you're still wearing their clothes because, dude, you bought it before they sold out, and your parents haven't given you money in a while so you can't buy anything else. But whatever, heat does some cool stuff to lomo film so don't worry about the end of the world, worry about your next Facebook photo album.

3. Super Zombies: Didn't Jesus come back from the dead? Wouldn't this be him coming back from the dead twice? Aren't zombies totally hip and cool right now? This could be the next big iPhone app. Developers, get on this, you could be rich, but the world would also be over, so it's a toss up.

4. Wes Anderson Film: Jason Schwartzman could play Jesus and it'll show Jesus doing his little Jesus daily tasks with the Alec Baldwin voice over: “Jesus Son of God wakes everyday at 6 am to the Beatles 'Good Morning, Good Morning' because his first grade school crush once said “if you don't wake up to a good morning then you'll have a bad life.” He makes two eggs, fried, for breakfast but always throws one away. After he showers he brushes his teeth for exactly 15 seconds before spitting. He takes his coat with him to work even when it's hot outside and feels guilty about air conditioning. He spends his evenings looking up drink coasters online with The Weather Channel playing on his TV. He believes cats have a greater meaning, dogs are overrated and electrolytes are complete bullshit.”

5. Shower: I mean, Jesus is coming. That could get messy. 

I hope you took notes and I'm sorry for number 5, but I mean, how could I not go down that path?

Are Napa Valley-Style Pot Tasting Rooms Headed to Northern California?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The New York Times Bay Area Blog had something of interest today: weed tasting rooms could be headed to the Bay and beyond following the November ballot initiative.

The price of Mendocino’s illicit crop has already dropped because of the legalization of medical marijuana in the state. Pebbles Trippet, a small-time grower, said that many cultivators were “worried that their way of life is going to be taken away from them,” according to The Sacramento Bee. Some locals hope that Napa Valley-style tasting rooms for pot tourists will help the local economy.

(link)

I’m not really a pot smoker, but the libertarian in me is arrousted by the idea of being able to sample 10 different kinds of “danke H.C. 420” at a tasting room conveniently located next to an ice cream shop, a McDonalds, a Frito-Lay factory outlet store, and 25 trim kids hitch-hiking their way to Golden Gate Park.