God's Work

Liveblogging the Series Premiere of Start-Ups: Silicon Valley

In a classic display of Silicon Valley arrogance, Bravo is airing the season premiere the Start-Ups: Silicon Valley on the eve of The Most Important Election of Our Generation, depriving us of another hour of CNN's illuminating election coverage.  But it's okay, the opportunity to see speeded up establishing shots of San Francisco on basic cable is far more exciting than witnessing the last hours of Mitt Romney's relevance.

Because Silicon Valley's economy is built on the liveblog, we couldn't help but treat the show with the same journalistic respect and integrity that tech blogs show start-ups with their instant, snap analysis.

Let's watch!

9:43pm: Why aren't any of these diamond-encrusted women talking about start-ups?

9:45pm: Oh shit, this is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

9:47pm: Okay, These People are just faking real life instead of business.

9:54pm: How many Microsoft Surface ads do people think we'll see during the show? 8? We'll be counting.

9:58pm: Cursing!

10:02pm: Due to a pooping emergency, our liveblog will be running at a 152 second DVR delay.

10:05pm: I'm bored.

10:07pm: Does she call her start-up “Newspepper” because she can't pronounce “newspaper”?

10:10pm: A girl named Sarah just called room service to order food for her purse puppy, then stripped down to her underwear to explain her start-up.

10:10pm: There's now a bellboy pouring her dog Fiji water.  We can only imagine the bellboy was forced to drink out of the toilet.

10:11pm: Actual quote: “Living in the Four Seasons is like living in a bubble, And. I. Love. This. Bubble!”

10:15pm: Meet Kim Taylor.  She used to be an NBA dancer and now “pushes competitors toward failure.” This isn't funny.

10:18pm: Actual quote: “Silicon Valley is where nerds make fucking dreams come true.”

10:21pm: We're currently watching as one of Silicon Valley's young prodigies gets her hair did.

10:24pm: Suggesting that attention-seeking start-up nerds are not far removed from cast of the Jersey Shore, they're now getting spray-tans.

10:26pm: The show's token gay admits to having every physical imperfection surgically removed from his body and he wants to encourage everyone to be the best they can be.

10:27pm: We just learned that a “very unprofessional email” at SXSW caused two of the cast members to dislike each other.

10:32pm: Dudes are chugging bottles of Jameson and arguing about derivatives.  It looks like they are enjoying themselves.

10:39pm: Currently watching the most jargon-laden girl fight of all time: contains 300% more buzzwords than your average girl fight.

10:41pm: Is this over yet? I really want to know what Piers Morgan thinks of Mitt Romney's inefficient use of all 140 characters Twitter generously affords.

10:43pm: How could we be so far into this show without seeing a single neckbeard?

10:45pm: Ikea just aired a commercial featuring up a little kid walking into things, which pretty much sums up this show.

10:48pm: It's obvious this show is about the hanger-ons.  Calling them incompetent isn't fair to the incompetent, as the word implies effort, no matter how incapable.  When these guys are on some Lifetime “Where Are They Now?” Saturday night special in 10 years, I suspect to hear lots of “I got into fashion design” and rumors about summers spent dwelling in parent's basements.

10:50pm: These entrepreneurs are breaking all the rules by showing up to the fundraising meeting hungover.

10:52pm: Actual quote: “My sister's ways are unconventional, but so are Silicon Valley's, so maybe that's why she does so well.”  She's wearing Tetris tights and taking a “power nap” under the investor's conference room table.

10:57pm: New Silicon Valley Buzzword: “Passion”.

11:01pm: Surprise! Their start-up was rejected by the investor! Now people are tossing drinks in people's faces!

11:02pm: For the first time in my life, I truly understand and appreciate all the time, effort, skill, pain, ups, downs, and heartache that goes into building the Valley's many start-ups.  Thank you, Bravo.

11:03pm: And for the closing credits, here's a sparkling “Zuckerberg Media” logo.  Not quite as humble as “A Mark Zuckerberg Production”, but it's alright.

11:04pm: Argh, this show was unwatchably bad and probably beneath criticism. Same time and place next week?

Statistics (roughly):

  • Arrows drawn: 1
  • Curses: 12
  • Mentions of the word “money”: 5
  • People crying: 2
  • People in underwear: 4
  • Instances of bragging about “connections”: 3
  • Mentions of the word “blogger”: 7
  • Minutes of my life lost: 81