Dolores Park

City Unveils Dolores Park Renovation Website, Doesn't Tell Us Anything We Didn't Already Know 2 Months Ago

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

What does the South Sunset Playfield have to do with Dolores Park?  Everything.

Rec & Park finally launched their completely disappointing Dolores Park Renovation website.  Naturally, there is no way to submit community input or feedback, no additional information that we didn’t report on two months ago, nada.  The “get involved” section links to some random page about planting sprouts or weed or some shit… half the links either don’t work or go to some irrelevant page (my favorite is the twitter link in their ‘social media toolbar’).

The only thing this site tells us is that the next community meeting is going to be sometime in July and the construction schedule has been pushed back to February 2012.  And it took the city government 2 months to get this thing out the door?  Fail.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Bees Descend Upon 18th and Dolores

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Erica says:

The air was filled with thousands of bees and the buzzing was so loud I could hear them from my the apartment. Now they’re building a nest in my backyard. Yippee.

If you’re allergic, you might want to steer clear of Dolores Park over the next few day.  Or don’t.  I’ll just steal your beer when you go into shock and they take you away in an amberlamps.

Update: NIMBY Neighbors Already Hating on Brooklyn's Mission Dolores on Yelp!

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Reader Neil points out that “NIMBY neighbors are already on the scene” at the recently opened Dolores Park-inspired bar in Brooklyn:

Wow, what a great bar! Do you know what would make it more awesome? A roof! And sound-proofing!

Seriously, as one of the hundreds of neighbors who won’t be falling asleep until 4AM every night this summer, this place sucks. That room that’s open to the sky that everyone is raving about? All of that noise has to go somewhere, and right now it is bouncing off of all the buildings and going straight into our windows. I can hear EVERYTHING people are saying, even if it’s only 1 or 2 people… the noise is magnified enormously. I can’t even tell you how loud we have to turn up our TV to cover the din. I didn’t move to Park Slope to have to sleep with the windows closed and earplugs in every night.

(link)

Jamie M. is your stereotypical Dolores Park NIMBY.  Looks the part, probably hasn’t gotten “serviced” in 6 months, and her “interests” include “calamari, clams, mussels, oysters, bourbon, wine, sushi” (read: moving to suburbia and shitting out two kids whose father is a sperm bank next fall).

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Dolores Park Gets a Bar

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Grubstreet SF notes that a beer bar in Brooklyn called “Mission Dolores” has opened its doors.  The website doesn’t mention anything about weed truffles, Cold Beer, Cold Water, impromptu concerts, or NIMBY neighbors, but I still have high hopes.  Anyways, it’s like Shotwell’s, only in a part of the country that snows and Jay-z talks about every other verse.  But yeah, props on someone at least attempting to get California beers on tap somewhere in the northeast.  I only wish someone would open up a bar in SF that does beer from the Northeast.  San Francisco gets a lot of things, like nice weather and alcoholism, but damn does it not get beer.

Bro Teaches Dog to Skateboard in the Park

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

You can file this one under “cool shit that would be cooler if Kevin had a real camera.”  The rest of the video came out worse, but you can see what is going on here.  Not pictured is the epic crowd and the dog growling at another dog who checked out the skateboard to the delight of the entire crowd.

Just pretend that there is a punk track in the background and a fisheye lens and you’ll be there.

Cold Beer, Cold Heart

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Dear Cold Beer, Cold Water (CB/CW),

You had me worried.

I arrived to the park shortly after 3:30 on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, beerless.  My eyes and ears darted around the park looking for your mountain-man face and soothing voice, but you were no where to be seen.  “He must be resupplying,” I comforted myself.  But as time passed, I soon became more concerned.  4:00, no CB/CW.  4:30, still no CB/CW.  “Is he okay?  I hope he’s not sick,  I hope he wasn’t murdered by a hooker.  I pray he isn’t dead and alone in his apartment with his corpse being consumed by feral cats.”  5:00 I begin to panic, “this isn’t right, something must be wrong.”

Just as I was about ready to organize a search party of beanies and hunter’s plaid, I heard that familiar siren song in the distance: “Cold Beer, Cold Water.”  Giddy, my friends and I organize a pile of money in preparation for I am about to employ your services for the first. time. ever.  Like a heat-seeking missile, you smell the opportunity for a sale and head right over.  “PBR.  One for $3, two for $5.”

”Daaammmnnnn.”

But as we crack open our PBRs, the memories of lost monies escape us.  We have our beers.

Then we take our first sips: “Is this beer skunked?”

“Yep.”

(epic photo by Andrew of Mission Mission)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Enticing Room for Rent

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around this scene for an epic few minutes.  On one hand, I am comfortably situated in a lovely house with roommates who cannot beat me in an Irish Carbomb race (I like winning).  On the other hand, I want to live with 23 cats.  I feel like someone who hasn’t heard of Craigslist and color coordinates their jacket with the skin of shirtless bro strumming the panties off some hipster hooker is probably not working in the tech sector.  I find that very desirable.  What kind of music does she listen to?  Anything that goes well with heroin.  What’s in the garden?  Anything that gets you high.  What kind of fabric is the couch made out?  Cheetos.

Sold.

 (photo by J.B. Davis)

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