BODILY FUNCTIONS

For Just $10 a Day, You Can Sponsor Bladders in Need at Dolores Park

Apparently you have to piss in the shower.

No one will ever claim that the lines for the Dolores Park bathrooms are not completely unreasonable.  Last fall, Rec. & Park claimed they'd fashion The Park with six porta-potties to help the situation, but that only lasted a few months.  And the renovations to The Park, which should bring more toilets to Dolores, won't be completed until late 2013.  In the meantime, park-goers are left pissing on the Muni tracks or risk having their bladder rupture while waiting 20 minutes to pee in a feces-covered cement pit of despair.

Well, for $10 bucks a day, one Dolores Park neighbor has a solution:

I have a quaint bathroom, located in an apartment at the corner of 18th + Dolores. You and your friends will have private access to the bathroom, all day long. Plenty of extra rolls of toilet paper and hand soap fit for kings.

Bring your own reading material. Don't forget to flush.

What the ad doesn't mention is renter's newfound ability to utilize the bathroom to hit on cute boys and girls impatiently waiting in line for the public bathrooms: “Hey baby, you shouldn't be standing in line with all these sixes and sevens when I have my own bathroom just right over there.  How about you and me get the hella outta here and you wipe your ass with my chemically-softened toilet paper?”

From what I'm told, lines like that work every time.

[AirBnB]

Been Digging the Recent Uptick in Fart Graffiti on Valencia

For some reason flatulence-related tags are all the rage right now, presumably because the city's Peter Pan complex has finally caught up with our lust for radical self-expression and Dadaist approach to bodily functions.  Regardless, I dig.

Street Art You Can Piss On

While enjoying the fine day in Dolores yesterday, I was unfortunately hit with the the curse of having to urinate. I made my way to the bathrooms, but there were two dudes standing in the line.  Which, you know, was clearly unacceptable.  So I trekked to the Muni tracks to relieve myself in the presence of nature and unexceptional public transit and came across this street art wheatpasted up against pedestrian bridge.  I snapped this photo, started to walk away, then saw a wasted dude wearing a Low Card hat out of the corner of my eye take a piss on the girl's Birkenstocks.

Street art, ladies and gentlemen, street art.

This Is Not Appetizing

Cranky Old Mission Guy snapped this pic and noted, “Is it just me, or does this beautifully-rendered sign look like a lascivious, half-digested turd?”  Nope, definitely not just you.

Sidenote: between Rhea's, Mr. Pickles, Pal's Takeaway, and Jay's, I always seem to forget this place exists.  What's up with people always complaining about there not being good sandwiches in the Mission?

Gone Fishin'

Mission Local recently spotted this simple stencil, calling it “Banksy-like” even though it isn't (maybe they were referencing the flower he did some years back?).  Dunno why everyone suddenly thinks guy owns stenciling just because he rolled through the city a few months ago.

Anyway, I really wish I knew what was at the end of the line.  If I had to make a guess, it would be human feces or a discarded Amy Winehouse CD, but that's only because that's what I usually see on Albion.

'STOP SHITTING HERE!'

'The Haight has become a battleground over a new controversial ordinance, known as the Shit-Lie Law. This divisive measure has pit local business owners, residents and people with the slightest shred of modesty against those too inebriated or shunned by society to give a fuck.~KLIT News 47*

Found behind Magnolia Brew Co by reader Marquis, who swears to god that he wasn't back their looking for a place to shit but came back five pounds lighter anyway.

*=Not a real news source. Or quote, story, or law.  

ATTN LOCAL BUSINESSES: How to get free advertising on Uptown Almanac!

******(un)PAID ADVERTISTMENT*******

Do you own a struggling business?  Need to connect with a young audience?  Do you like mopping?  If you answered yes to these questions, you may qualify for free advertising on Uptown Almanac!

Unbeknownst to them at the time, the fabulous people at Dirty Thieves on 24th and Treat were our trial subjects.  Here's how it works: you give one or more of members of #TEAM_UppyAlmy $40 to go to Pop's and get 'fucking blitzed'.  We'll then go back to your place of business, order one beer, put Beastie Boys on the jukebox and then puke all over your fine establishment. It worked for Dirty Thieves, it could work for you!

Dirty Thieves: We have Biggie and the Beastie Boys on the jukebox.  'nuff said.

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