I know you're hella bummed you can't be back home chatting it up with your crazy Uncle Jimmy who has proof that Obama is a Kenyan reptilian sent to subjugate the human race, but the Roxie will do you one better.  Today (Thanksgiving!), The Roxie is putting on an evening-long tribute to the 49rd anniversary of JFK's assassination with a special screening of Oliver Stone's JFK and a host of character witnesses and experts discussing the killing. Some of the highlights include:

James H. Fetzer - A former Marine Corps officer who served at the same Recruit Depot and Rifle Range where Lee Oswald took his training, has become one of the leading authorities on the death of JFK in the world today. He has published three collections of studies by experts—ASSASSINATION SCIENCE (1998), MURDER IN DEALEY PLAZA (2000), and THE GREAT ZAPRUDER FILM HOAX (2003)—which the foremost proponent of the theory that “Oswald did it!”, Vincent Bugliosi, has described as “the only exclusively scientific books ever published on the assassination”. He is the only scholar who has given lectures on the conspiracy behind JFK's death at Cambridge, Harvard and Yale.

Fetzer could also be described as a “total nutbag” whose other beliefs include (1) the George W. Bush administration was, at least, partially responsible for 9/11, (2) Senator Paul Wellstone was assassinated by a “sophisticated electromagnetic pulse weapon,” “probably at the behest of the Bush administration,” and (3) “the CIA, the American Mafia, anti-Castro Cubans, Texas oilmen, the 'military–industrial complex', as well as Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, and J. Edgar Hoover, all may have been involved in a plot to kill [President Kennedy].”

Also fun!:

Judyth Vary Baker - Judyth Vary Baker was Lee Harvey Oswald's girlfriend at the time of the Kennedy Assassination. During their 5-month relationship Judyth was introduced to key players in Lee Harvey Oswald's world, all of whom would ultimately present themselves to be involved in the assassination in one way or another. In 1991, Judyth finally broke her years-long silence on her relationship with Oswald, divulging intimate details about David Ferrie, Jack Ruby and Guy Bannister (all of whom are depicted in Oliver Stone's JFK). Judyth's story was featured in Nigel Turner's comprehensive 8-part documentary,The Men Who Killed Kennedy. In 2011, Judyth published her story in a book titled: Me and Lee: How I came to know, love and lose Lee Harvey Oswald. Due to threats made on her life, Judyth presently lives in Europe. Her appearance at the Roxie theater will be a rare and wonderful occasion to hear her accounts first-hand. Judyth will also be signing copies of her book at this event.

There's also some guys who have been featured on Fox News and Alex Jones' Infowars, so you know this is going to be an absolute clusterfuck of comedy.

Get your tickets now! I wish I could be there! (And here's the full schedule:)

4:00PM Doors Open
4:45PM Introductions
4:50PM Dr. Paul Kangas
5:15PM Kris Millegan
5:25PM Screening of Oliver Stone's JFK
8:30PM James H. Fetzer, Ph.D.
9:00PM Saint John Hunt
9:30PM Judyth Vary Baker
10:30PM Questions and Answers

(Fun side note!: when searching Google Images for photos of the “JFK Assassination”, a mess of headshots of Rebecca Black come up.  Maybe it's because she looks like a weird version of Jackie Kennedy? Maybe it's because she did it?)