— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
TK recently emerged from his blog retirement (or “blogtirement”, as no one in the industry calls it) to grace us with this fine Bush-era breakdown of the visual and physical terror associated with San Francisco weather.
Expect orange to red side effects to persist until Thursday.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
— By Cosmic Amanda (@quonky) |
Can't make it to the store? Don't have time to DIY? Let Uptown Almanac do the wooing this year, with our very first official valentine. And with his cherubic good looks and voice of an angel, we can think of no better Cupid to sling our arrows than KRON's own Stanley Roberts.
So get out there and get romancin'! Share this sexy card with that special someone you may or may not have just met at the Google bus stop since that Refinery 29 article came out.
— By Cosmic Amanda (@quonky) |
Just in time for everyone's favorite holiday to pretend isn't happening, Refinery 29 published The Ultimate Girl's Guide On Where (& How) To Score a Date In S.F., a “genius guide to dating that will help you ladies navigate the single scene depending on the type of suitor that tickles your fancy.”
For example, want to date a techie? Try this red hot love strategy:
Apple Bus Stop, Guerrero Street at 24th Street; Google Bus Stop, 24th Street at Valencia Street; Facebook Bus Stop, 18th Street and Church Street.
Tip: 8 to 10 a.m. are peak hours. Ask him what he’s listening to on his headphones. Once you have his attention, give a flirty smile.
While the slideshow is quite comprehensive, you can't call this the “ultimate” guide without including my favorite lovelorn demographic—the hyper-local Mission blogger. But don't you worry, Refinery 29, I'll take it from here…
If You're Hot For: Hyper-local Mission Bloggers
Prefer your fellas opinionated, myopically obsessive, and marginally employed? Snag yourself a citizen journalist! These communicative cuties are constantly scouring the streets for the latest intel — so hit the pavement and start making some news!
They Said:
“Being miserably single is a prerequiste of being a local blogger, apparently.”
– Kevin Montgomery, has a respectable day job, lives in the Mission.
“I am dating you.”
– @fakeallanhough, parody Twitter account.
Where To Meet 'Em:
Dolores Park Works Public Meetings, Dolores Park Church, 455 Dolores St (between 17th and 18th Streets)
Tip: Stand up at any point during the meeting and shout “This is an outrage!” He'll need to ask you your name to quote you, right?
Clarion Alley, between Mission and Valencia Streets and 17th and 18th Streets
Tip: See that hoodied hottie taking iPhone photos of the latest defaced mural? Sidle on up and coo “sometimes I do think tags are art!”
Valencia Street Bike Lane, Valencia Street (between 16th and 24th Streets)
Tip: Is that a hyper-local coin slot up ahead? Dayum, girl, better pedal faster! At the next light flirtatiously plot the destruction of the next valet blocking the lane.
American Tripps, various locations
Warning: For Allan Hough fetishists only
Four Barrel Coffee, 375 Valencia Street (between 14th and 15th Streets); 415-252-0800.
Tip: I don't even know that any hyper-local Mission bloggers actually go here, but it was on every other slide in this article, so why the hell not.
(Bonus Tip for Bros: Dudes, there are going to be so many single ladies in line at 4B after that article goes viral. Yoooou're welcome.)
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
[via BAD KIDS]
— By Tiffany Bukowski |
Oh god. It's happening. OkCupid is tip-toeing into the realm of IRL - excuse me, “Away from Keyboard”, for you alpha nerds. Now, instead of trying to game your profile, go meet some 6s in-person and try to woo them with your sparkling cocktail conversation.
Just to crank the notch on pretentiousness, they've found a way to collaborate with the international tweed-conglomerate, Banana Republic. At least there will be vodka involved. So if you want to drown your singledom sorrows while meandering through mannequins draped in gingham, you can sign up with a relatively complete OkC profile, $5 (that's what the fee was for yours truly, please let us know in the comments if this price is individually skewed), and a panache for awkward self-deprecation.
Conveniently scheduled before everyone's favorite low-expectation holiday, you can learn about the types of people attending (8 so far!) by the expertly gathered provided attendee data, like how often they meditate (80%, rarely and 20%, never) and the fact that 100% of them spend more money on food than clothes (unfortunate venue then, huh?).
Don't even get us started on that event photograph. Feels like there was a stock image search with the keywords “uncomfortable social gathering” + “diverse twenty-somethings”.
Whatever. See you there, sadfaces.
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Blame Aspartame was on 5th Street to witness the passion:
so there’s this cool guy fucking a parking meter on 5th street right now nbd
The man was allegedly arrested after the photo was taken. We're unsure if he was able to finish the job.
— By SFC Podcast |
San Francisco is a city of storytellers. From our countless bloggers, novelists, videographers, journalists, comedians, musicians, photographers, poets, the crazy dudes on the corner, and everything in between, we've explored how to share our insights and experiences. However, the rise of the podcast has seemed to have left San Francisco behind. Despite all the brilliant programs dedicated to storytelling, there's no definitive podcast devoted to the Bay. Make no mistake: this isn't intended to be the definitive podcast, but, rather, a step in exploring the medium.
First up is Cameron Vannini, a young stand-up comedian who finds an oasis after wandering the dessert in search of physical satisfaction.
If you have a story you'd like to tell, be it funny, sad, hopeful, poetry, or just plain crude, drop us a line at sfcpod@gmail.com. And, without further ado, I give you the first episode of the SFC Podcast: Stories From the City.
You can now subscribe to the SFC Podcast here: SFC Podcast on iTunes
Show Credits
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
Now that the New York Times has informed us all that ironic gift-giving is the ruination of western civilization AND The Annual War On Christmas has officially begun, it's time to look at what various neighborhood retailers are stocking the shelves with this OMG PRESENTS season!
First up, pillowcases with huge effin' jugs on them! That's right, whimsy emporium Gravel & Gold has finally restocked their shelves with our favorite perky pillowcases:
We finally got our hands on a new batch of Boobs Pillowcases! They’re now available in the shop and online here so you can go ahead and cross off just about every family member on your holiday shopping list, starting with your 13 year old brother who will not believe his luck! We also got a few more Boob Tops in, in case you’ve been waiting to get a hold of one of those….
Schwing!
They're only $32, which is steal in our humble opinion. However, the Boob Top (which, as you might have guessed, is a tit-print tank top for 'the ladies') goes for $125. We here at Uptown Almanac are scratching our heads at this one: how could basically the same about of fabric and knockers cost $93 more in tank top form?
We consulted Uptown Almanac's DIY Expert (that's Do It Yourself for those of you keeping score at home) Eddy Scissorhands for some money-saving tips:
Okay, what your going to need is that pair of safety scissors you stole in kindergarten and still have for some weird reason and a little bit of that DIY spirit.
Step 1: Buy the pillowcase for $32 and then take it back to your crafting HQ.
Step 2: Put on an ugly sweater and have a friend Instagram a photo of you flirtatiously holding the pillowcase up to your nose so it covers the lower half of your face like a burka. Like a foxx!
Step 3: Cut neck and arms holes out of the pillowcase.
Step 4: You're already done and you have $93 leftover for weed and pills!
Thanks, Eddy! The pillowcase is on sale now!
— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |
IRL Goatse. Photo via Bluoz
With Ed Lee's Mid-Market Miracle nearly 18 months in the making, neighboring southern SOMA has been downgraded slightly from “Belize City bus station bathroom” to “meh, what about Capp Street?” As the Chronicle reports, SOMA-based businesses fed up with poo are now looking at Capp Street as a less-pooey alternative:
Bill Pollock [of No Starch Press] has been running his publishing company in San Francisco's South of Market neighborhood for six years, but he's considering moving his company elsewhere because, after all these years, he's had it with the alleys and walkways being used as toilets.
“I've had my wife walking down Eighth Street, in the middle of the afternoon, when a man drops his pants and defecates on the sidewalk,” Pollock said. “We've had multiple issues, during the day, of guys coming in and urinating right on the building. Our street has a little alcove there that gets used like a public toilet.”
As a result, he is considering moving his business to Capp Street in the Mission District - a street that sees a fair amount of crime - because even that location would feel more welcoming, he said.
Man, that feels like a sort of epic burn directed towards the Mission's renowned prostitution corridor. I guess we can look forward to a new economic boom thanks to or only somewhat shit-covered streets?
[SFgate]
