Romance & Sex

I'm up in Olympia, WA - kickin' it with a bunch of forest gnomes who were kind enough to let me use their scanner so as to please you city dwellers with my personal ad funny pages. 

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• Missed Connections Comix: Emergency Enchantment
• Missed Connections Comix: Looking for my Biker Woman
• Missed Connections Comix: Pitchin' Tents

San Francisco is one giant twisted sex story, and Salon's sex writer Tracy Clark-Flory is capturing our sordid saga. How? By filming people's "juicy" stories in a guilt and fear-free mobile sex confessional, all for an upcoming web series.

Oh yes.

Liam from Salon fills us in on what they're looking for when they set up shop at Lost Weekend Video:

Instead of pure titillation, we're going for a range of stories revolving around all aspects of sex, not just the dirty details of the physical act itself (but a bit of that too). During our shoot at Mission Bowling Club on Monday, we found that people were more than willing to share personal stories about everything from being chastised for masturbating on the playground as a child to exploring bisexual desires as an adult. These tales were funny, sad, poignant, bizarre, etc., so it should be an interesting time at Lost Weekend...

And if you don't have any memories worthy of sharing, you could probably masturbate in there to make some new ones to confess about...

Ahem. Anyway, should you want to confess (and, hopefully, not be a pervert right there on the spot), swing by Lost Weekend tomorrow (Friday!) from 7-11pm and lay it out.

Years ago, Mission District prostitutes were simply known as "Capp Street Hookers" for their preferred blocks of rape limbo.  Then came a series of police crackdowns, which more-or-less made the situation manageable.  But now they're back in force, so says an unsigned petition created by "residents" located near the 20th and Capp hooker parklet:

We, residents of the Mission near the intersection of Capp and 20th streets, are very concerned by the sudden increase in prostitution in our neighborhood.

As you know, Capp Street was once a locus of organized prostitution, but the hard work of the police and the community put a stop to that intolerable situation years ago.

But now, suddenly, it is back -- complete with other types of associated criminality, fighting and yelling in the streets, and trash.

We find it unacceptable that we are woken up at night by screaming hookers, that we are endangered by the reckless driving of their customers and associates, that we have to step over used condoms in the morning with our children, and that we feel a sense of menace when we are walking home at night.

Since this is a sudden and new blight in our neighborhood, a criminal enterprise operated by people who are not from the community, we believe it should be relatively easy to nip it in the bud: simply patrolling Capp street frequently--especially on Friday and Saturday nights--and establishing a visible police presence here will scare off potential customers and make our streets an unprofitable place to undertake prostitution. 

As a Capp St. resident, I haven't really noticed the problem getting any worse over the last few months (although I've certainly noticed it).  Are they just exaggerating the scene to get some condoms cleaned up, or is this really getting out of hand?

[Photo by Zara Evens]

Dearest nerds and pervs, did you know that El Rio has a monthly all-girl lube wrestling competition? No? Okay, well now you do and you should probably put the next one on your calendar.

See, I'm not going to lie guys.  I'd like to offer you a subjective, puritanical review of the evening that's free of sexual charge, but I just cannot do it.  This event ruled for so many reasons: the rockin' DJ, the jokes from the MC, the lubricated thumb-wrestling contest, wrestlers with names like "Hella Kitty"… even the costumes were off the charts.  But, at the end of the day, this lube wrestling match is a must-attend for a reason I'm sure we're all familiar with: titties.  I mean, who doesn't like titties?  Seriously people.  Girls love titties.  Guys definitely love titties.  The internet loves titties.  Titties titties titties.

That's not to say the party was all lube and boobs--quite the contrary.  There were venerable athletes getting into the mix, some of which looked like they could bench press a bus with one arm.  And the looks of horror from the front row as they got whipped in the face with a lube-drenched ponytails was simply priceless.

However, the event was not without its drawbacks; namely, the rows of creepy lurkers in the back (of which I was a part of, naturally).  Sadly, I was not allowed to take a photo to show you what the crowd looked like, and the idea of getting thrown out of a lube wrestling competition in a lesbian bar was a certifiable pervy rock bottom from which my pride and dignity would never recover.  But the back four or five rows were packed with whack dudes in backwards baseball caps grinning like virgins.  And then there was that 40-year-old couple making out a little too hard, which grossed me the fuck out but, from the looks of it, almost caused the guy to my right to pull out his dick right there and give himself a fistful of blisters.

Did I mention titties?

Anyway, if you RSVP with Red Hots Burlesque (who aids in putting on the show) ahead of time, you can reserve yourself a seat in the front, lube-soaked, pervert-free rows.  So do that.

Go Deep! goes down on the first Thursday of every month at 9pm.  $15 cover, but all the money goes to the performers.

[Photo by Red Hot Dottie]

Previously on Uptown Almanac

• HOODSLAM this Saturday: "Don't bring your f'n kids!"