Movies

Things to do this weekend that don't involve eating a burrito

— By Kristen Haney |

Contrary to the title of this post, the entirety of my weekend will involve eating burritos in the sunny Santa Barbara, hopefully with this dude. But if the lure of $10 nachos and high-fiving sorority sluts during their walk of shame wasn’t such a huge pull, i’d be doing the following things:

Pacific Standard Timeless DVD premiere: FREE STUFF. FREE THINGS. tonight, over at Eve’s Lounge (I got a flyer for there once, so it must be legit), they’re premiering Mochilla’s “Timeless” DVD, which from what I can pick up is about concerts in LA. There’ll be lots of free music, including J-Rocc  of the Beat Junkies, who I suppose is good because the event listing touts him as the West Coast’s greatest living DJ. but who cares? ITS FREE.

Thurs @ 9pm, 575 Howard St.

Shake Me! show: Remember when i wrote about these guys? who am i kidding, limited attention spans and diminished brain cells probably means you’re like “who is this bitch with the cat picture posting things?” Anyways, they’re an East Bay band, but they’re playing in SF at Retox on Saturday, which means you don’t have to cross any significant bodies of water to hear awesome music. The last time they played, people came into my bar sobbing and kept muttering “it was so beautiful. SO beautiful” after the show, so if you want to hear music that would make Mother Theresa feel like she hadnt done enough for this world, head over to Potrero Hill this Saturday. if music isn’t your thing, but strange dudes with buttah teefs dancing and interiors that looks like a 70s porno set in an airplane are, you should DEFINITELY go. Besides, I mean, look how goddamned cute they are. if i wasn’t so invested in my future as a cat lady I’d be all like “let’s go back to my place and watch procedural crime dramas!”

Sat @ 7:30, 628 20th St.

So get on with your bad selves and enjoy San Francisco this weekend. I’ll be back on Monday with a sunburn, hangover, and hopefully stories about how I was made to feel like a cougar at the ripe old age of almost 23. THANKS SANTA BARBARA.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

You can take the man out of the Mission but you can't take the Mission out of the man. It's in the blood, Homes.

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I thought people already knew about the film La Mission, but based on the sheer amount of “tips” we’ve received about it, I guess I was wrong.

From the mailbox: “saw a blurb about this a while ago. shite that just b/c it’s an SF movie, there has to be some gay subplot. and funny that it’s always sunny in SF in movies.”

Check Out My Silver Screen Debut: Ride the Divide

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

So, apparently I’m in 5 minutes of this movie that is having it’s west-coast debut tomorrow.  I haven’t seen the movie yet, so I cannot vouch for its quality nor my performance (although it did win some award at the Vail Film Festival).  All I know is that I was really tired during filming and completely sober, so just know going into it that I was not my usual self.  Anyways, if you are a cyclist and at Sea Otter or find your in Monterrey tomorrow night at 8pm, go see 5 minutes of me being awkward and 82 minutes of people being well-adjusted in an IMAX theater.  For those of you at home, you can watch me hella fuck up my ankle while pushing my bike through the snow in the trailer embedded below.

Ride the Divide
April 15th at 8pm, Cannery Row IMAX theater, Monterey, CA (There will be a show the afternoon of the 16th if the 15th sells out)
$12 in advance at www.bellacinema.com

"Does anyone else see the irony in advertising for a Banksy film?"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Everyday Dude pointed out the other day the ridiculousness of advertising for the new Banksy documentary.  Now I’m seeing this shit all over the Mission/SOMA.  I’m not saying I don’t get it, get money, get paid, but damn, you’re on the same surface as MGMT’s sophomoric unlistenables and the latest flavor of Absolut that tastes like cat shit.

Historical Evidence Supports the 'Air as SF's Soundtrack' Theory

— By Zach Perkins |

As previously reported on UA, Air is being touted by the YouTube/Vimeo communities as the soundtrack of San Francisco.  Newly uncovered evidence suggests that it may also be the soundtrack of impending doom (via big fucking natural disasters).

Historians and silent film archivists have deduced from trade papers of the period, visible weather conditions in film and the wetness of the streets (ie: MAGIC) that this footage of Market Street was shot on April 14th, 1906; just four days before the great quake of 1906 struck and ruined everybody’s Spring Break.

This shit is like Shanghai at rush hour but with less car accidents, opression and MSG.  The bystanders in this film obviously had Spring Break fever; CAN’T YOU SEE HOW WILD THEY’RE GOING?   This was further enraged by the presence of the camera crew and their promises of “Ladies Gone Lusty” tweed jackets if beezies flashed them their knickers.  Note the early 20th Century attention-whore Marina Bro at 4:35 who drunkenly zig-zags in front of the moving cable car.

A side by side comparison of this film and what Market St. looked like after the quake can be seen here.  BUMMER.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

WATCH MOVIES DRUNK AND STONED: Corner Store

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I’m not one to get all “HEY IF I TURN THIS INTO AN EVENTS BLOG I’LL GET MORE READERS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS AND NEED A BLOG TO TELL THEM WHAT TO DO” but anyone who explicitly invites us to shit on their movie gets some respect in my book, so go to the Victoria Theatre (16th @ Capp) tomorrow for a 3pm or 7pm showing.  I’ll be the guy puking between the seats and cursing at the Israeli apartheid state.

despite the fact that the only movie review that i’ve seen on uptown almanac is a picture of a drunk chick on the can, we’re going against our better judgment and inviting you to the screening of our documentary this saturday. the film is about a corner store owner at church and 15th that we followed through the last year of the process of bringing his family to san francisco from the west bank (a ten year process). more info on our site.

(link)

Silicon Valley brings us BIRDEMIC: It's like 'The Birds', but without the direction, writing or acting!

— By Laura B |

If you’re in LA on Feb 27, your ass better be there for the world premiere. How long before they start playing it at The Red Vic? Oh also, word ots is that you can download this on sites that rhyme(ish) with tehbiratepay.borg. Party at your house, yall! You’re buying!

I just gotta cut and paste all this shit from the site because it’s too good:

BIRDEMIC, described by Nguyen as a romantic thriller, is a horror/action/special-effects-driven love story about a young couple trapped in a small Northern California town under siege by homicidal birds. BIRDEMIC also tackles topical issues of global warming, avian flu, world peace, organic living, sexual promiscuity and lavatory access. 

Nguyen, a 42-year-old Vietnamese refugee, wrote, cast and shot the film over the course of four years using salary from his day job as a mid-level software salesman in Silicon Valley. The film pays homage to Hitchcocks THE BIRDS via location shooting in Mission Bay, California, as well as an appearance by star of THE BIRDS Tippi Hedren (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tippi_Hedren). When rejected for an official screening slot at Sundance, Nguyen spent eight days driving up and down the festivals nearby streets in a van covered with fake birds, frozen blood and BIRDEMIC posters, while loudspeakers blared the sounds of eagle attacks and human screams. The tactic caught the attention of festival organizers, filmgoers and local police, as well as executives from Severin Films. Severins executives walked into a screening, took one look at Nguyens masterwork, and immediately locked up BIRDEMICs worldwide rights for the next twenty years. Discussions are currently underway for Severin to add an additional thirty years to the initial agreement.  

Foursquare Attempts to "Get It", Fails

— By Megan Allison |

The Independent is a movie theater like I am a newspaper box.  

Also, I am the mayor of Storyville. Get your own fucking popcorn, and while you’re at it, ditch Get Satisfaction if you ever want any constructive feedback from your users. What a pain in the ass that is. 

I Finally Saw That Blue Alien Treehugger Movie

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I generally go to the movies no more than three times a year because, well, that $30 that you charge me to watch Saw XVIII, get a bag of synthetic butter and a thimble of corn syrup could be better spent getting faced with a box of Franzia while lighting the change on fire.  But tonight I stumbled upon some Humboldt trim kid scalping what I can only assume were counterfeit tickets to Avatar outside of the Metreon and that’s some general stupidity I can get behind.  Anyways, since $1.8 billion dollars worth of people have already seen this titanic acid-trip, I’ll spare you any more words on this and present to you a Mission pooch rocking a hot pair of Cameron stunners:

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