Marina

Osama Bin Laden's Floating Metal Coffin To Take Center Stage At San Francisco Fleet Week This Weekend

— By Zach Perkins |

USS Carl Vinson prepares to go under the Golden Gate Bridge in 1995 (source: USN)

If yesterday's chorus of frightened neighborhood pets hadn't already clued you in, Fleet Week is here. This year's events are a bigger deal than usual for two very significant reasons. 1.) 2011 is the 100th Anniversary of Naval Aviation.  And 2.) The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.  Welcome to San Francisco, sailors.

Tomorrow's primetime events kick off with the 'Parade of Ships', which has the Navy puffing out their chests a hell of a lot more than last year.  Instead of just a couple of lame cruisers, propped up by some Coast Guard and Canadian Navy ships; this years line up features not one, but two aircraft carriers*. Leading the pack is the USS Carl Vinson, aka: the final resting place of Osama Bin Laden. Coincidentally, the Carl Vinson is the only ship not open for public tours. I smell conspiracy.
 
If high priced war machines aren't your thing, Sunday at Pier 39 will feature a few less militant attractions, including a performance from northern California band Mustache Harbor, which from the video featured on their website, is as ridiculous as it sounds. 
 
So to all my Mission-cool-kid-Fleet-week-haters, smell the jet fuel and embrace it. This is the one time of the year that we can sport our aviators, blast Kenny Loggins and hang out in the Marina with more than just our tired sense of 'irony' to back us up. 
 
 
 
*= Yes, I know that the USS Bonhomme Richard is technically an 'amphibious assualt vessel' and not a full aircraft carrier. Shut up nerd. 
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Cowboys vs. Aliens

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.

Stereotypes are fun and easy

— By Alan Fineberg |

After living in San Francisco for two years now, I have realized that a) I am an expert regarding all things San Francisco and b) it is a 7x7 amusement park for adults (look no further than this blog for evidence).

Since I am an expert I have compiled this list of amusement park rides and their corresponding neighborhoods, but it is incomplete. Which theme park ride is YOUR neighborhood?

The Marina

this one is easy

Nob Hill

also obvious

SOMA

bicycle through THIS

The Sunset

who invented this ride anyway?

The Richmond

you know…the windmill…work with me here…

The Tenderloin

couldn't find a good haunted house picture so I just uploaded this picture of the TL

The Mission

stuck in the same place and likely to vomit

North Beach

Coit Tower of Terror

Not sure about these, please help:

Pac Heights: one with no line to get in?

The Castro: ball pit? they are both made of rainbows, that's all

FiDi: house of mirrors?

The Haight: carney quarters? I think this is offensive (to carneys!!)

Bayview: one of those games with water pistols or something

Other neighborhoods: can't think of any!

pictures from:

San Franciscan Vodka is Fruity, Self-Referential

— By Alissa |

Gross. I saw this at a liquor store in Pac Heights last night. I'd heard that Absolut was coming out with a line of San Francisco vodka but I didn't think it'd be this shitty. Apparently its flavored with a combination of grape, dragon fruit and papaya, which is guess is perfect if you're trying to slip someone a roofie at Bar None. Maybe if you dump it into a 40 of High Life it'll taste like Four Loko…

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Visualizing Mental Maps of San Francisco

— By Alissa |

Neighborhoodr clued me in to this awesome new set of San Francisco maps today. Started by a couple of Berkeley students, Visualizing Mental Maps attempts to map how San Franciscans feel about their neighborhoods & the city, and the results are really interesting. From the site: 

 
The Visualizing Mental Maps of San Francisco project taps into San Francisco residents' perceptions of the city and its neighborhoods, which aren't always reflected in the geography of a street map. The first part of the project was a qualitative investigation in which we interviewed residents and asked them to draw pictures of their internal images or “mental maps” of the neighborhoods they lived in and of San Francisco. The second part was the creation of visualizations informed by the qualitative research, resulting in this atlas of mental maps.
 
One of my favorite parts of their project is Storymaps, where you can hover above a map of SF neighborhoods and see how the study participants characterize them. 
 
I like the one participant who says about the Marina, “Y'know, its not really necessary. I don't really need this.”
 
The map of hills and pedestrian barriers is also a cool reminder of how San Francisco's unique topography dictates neighborhood boundaries and how we move about the city on foot/bike. I've frequently argued that San Francisco really isn't all that hilly, but I think the only reason I feel that way is because I've become so adept at avoiding the hills, especially when biking. When I lived on Fulton & Stanyan, I'd regularly ride a mile out of my way to avoid that steep two block hill on Stanyan between Fell and Fulton. Because I'm lazy. 
 
 
I just wanted to share this, but you should definitely have a look for yourself because there's waaay more interesting data and pictures on their site than I could possibly hope to unpack in a single blog post. These students really did an amazing job of mapping the spirit of the city in a way that traditional cartography never could. And don't forget to check out the Gallery, featuring drawings of SF maps and neighborhoods from study participants. This one looks like a dinosaur!
 
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

BREAKING: THE MARINA GOES ALL DARK-AGES ON YOUR JUICY WEARING VELOUR ASS

— By Zach Perkins |

 

So I guess you probably aren't reading this now since you have approximently another 3 minutes to go without being able to power your hair dryer and finish up the green-dyed Pauly D blowout you were going to sport for St Paddy's Day.  OH MY GOD HOW WILL YOU POWER THE JAEGERMIESTER DISPENCER FOR YOUR JAEGER INFUSED CAR BOMBS??? #pray4theMarina

7x7's SanFranlandia can SanFranBlowMe

— By Laura B |

OMG WHAT? 7x7 has a post up calling for submissions for SanFranlandia, which is their way of ripping off Portlandia and making me want to murder them all at once! 

This comment from some delightful person named “fat wanda” who needs to be my bff is right on:

Really, 7x7? How about a parody of the Marina? Or the FiDi? Or culture that you're actually part of? Because that MIGHT be funny? Maybe?

You're not vegan, you're not bike culture, you don't know these people, and so you're attempts are just lame and embarrassing.

Exactly! You can't make fun of veganism, buying local, composting, backyard bee keeping, brewing kombucha in a bathtub, and plaid shirted bro's who look they're about to go prospect for gold because that's not who YOU are. There are plenty of websites and blogs that can and already do it better than you ever could. So, knock it off. 

You're the pretty girl. You're like Natalie Portman complaining that women aren't allowed to be beautiful and funny*. No, lady, it's just that you are not funny. Know who you are! Shit, funny women aren't cast all the time because they're not pretty, why not help get them roles**? Kristen Schaall should be in everything, and there are a million more like her. Anyway, tangent. Point is: embrace who you are, 7x7, and run more stories about sample sales and recipes for trampatini's. Or, if you want to parody something, why not all the boots on Chesnut street? That's something you know a lot about.

Annnnd: One more time, in case you forget, THIS IS YOU:

    

*And you know her idea of funny is like, a beautiful woman farting on a date. HILARIOUS. 

**Shit, bring them some rolls too, they probably hungry! Not working and shit because they're not pretty. I mean, JESUS.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

BOOTS: The Next Big Thing?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Every few years, some hilarious video that completely savages a San Francisco subculture surfaces.  The last time we saw a video of that caliber was way back in the Fall of 2009, when 'the BBC' reported from Dolores Park.  Herpes in the park!  The Bi-Rite line!  Apathatic 22-year-olds! Anti-American Apparel activism! Iraqi-Japanese fusion restaurants!  Ah, it was good stuff.

Of course, we've been in a YouTube low ever since.  Making fun of the Mission has gone from an elevated art form to a boring list of stereotypes.  Shitting on the Haight stopped being funny when CW Nevius started campaigning for Sit/Lie.  And the Marina is just, well, the Marina.

But out of nowhere comes the bros behind “BillyGoatProductions”, who were clever enough to just take a camera and a microphone and let the Marina speak for itself.  Don't get me wrong, this video is fairly subtle—it's not a bunch of quick clips of punchlines delivered with a British accent—but what it is happens to be highly amusing.

Also, the soundtrack makes me want to take shitty drugs and dance.

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Emeril shooting in SF right this very second (ZOMG!!)

— By Zach Perkins |

Street reporter/walker Jenny Wilson reports spotting Emeril and an Authentic Entertainment Productions crew setting up at the Irish Coffee crackhouse Buena Vista Cafe this morning.  Emeril has previously worked on 'Authentic' Ent's Food Network series Best Thing I Ever Ate, so this is probably for a Season 5 episode of that show.  Get over to the Marina and gawk at the biggest food celeb of 2k3.  BAM! (that is what he says, amirite?) 

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