Life

Google Glass and Breastfeeding, Together At Last

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Look, we get it: trashing Google Glass is played out.  Ever since a glass-eyed Joe Shuttlebus strolled into Shotwell's, San Francisco came together and decided that emaciated nerds who motion like Cyclops to read text messages are the epitome of Valley hubris.  We had our laughs, scoffed at the price point, quickly conceded we'd like to try them on someday, and started to move on.

Then someone had to do this:

Yeeeee-ikes.  Someone would eat at West of Pecos and still feel responsible breastfeeding their baby while that sludge is passing through their body?

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

Google Bus Driver on the Mission: "OMG, It Is Such a Nightmare!"

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

A bad dream on 10 wheels.

In a post that miraculously features only four pictures and no numbered captions, BuzzFeed tracked down a Silicon Valley shuttle driver and interviewed him about what it's like to cart San Franciscans to the salt mines.  While the perks are nice (not having to deal with public transit riffraff, one rider brought him coffee everyday!), it turns out that hurtling down Valencia at 35 MPH is a major stress.  He explains:

Driving in the Mission and Noe Valley, oh my god, it is such a nightmare going through there. The lanes are really small. It is so dangerous. Thankfully nothing has ever happened, but there were lots of close calls. People would open their doors and I’m doing 35 [mph]. I had to swerve because I don’t want to hurt anyone. In a split second I would rather crash into the car next to me than take their door out.

Pedestrians and motorcycles and cyclists are all sort of trying to, in my mind, kind of sabotage me. It is important that I keep level headed and keep the task at hand. “You have a couple minutes to blow, so don’t worry about that bicyclist that just hit the mirror.” Because that happens a lot.

Of course, if he ever feels like taking a cyclist who “accidentally bashes their head” on the mirror to task, he can just climb out of the shuttle and bark threats at concussed rider like this guy.

[BuzzFeed | Photo by Jim Greer]

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

San Jalisco Would Really Like Their Panties Back

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Perhaps not as exciting as when Mr. Pickle was stolen across the street four years ago, but someone recently carried out a panty raid on San Jalisco.  They're red and enormous, so if you see anything matching that description, grab them with your least favorite set of salad tongs and hesitantly carry them back to the beloved restaurant.

No questions asked!

Why Are There So Many Old Funeral Homes on Valencia?

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

I've occasionally wondered why there are so many old funeral homes on Valencia, especially given you cannot so much as ditch the dead beneath your floorboards in this town.  I always figured there are a disproportionate number of people who have heart attacks when they see the line at Tacolicious, but it turns out the reason is far more grim than that (and dates back to the old Southern Pacific railway that crossed the Mission):

The Valencia Station at 25th and Valencia (SW corner) was perhaps the most popular stop in the city for the living and the dead. The railroad was the only transportation option for many families to the cemetery and gravesite in Colma. After San Francisco passed ordinances on burying the dead within city limits, the city began evicting all the corpses from earlier cemeteries built around the city. Valencia Street became the area where undertakers and mortuary and funeral businesses were established. The railroad ceased carrying passengers in the 1920's but continued to haul out the dead from Valencia Station until the early 1940's!

I guess that also explains why Clooney's is haunted.

[Noirscape]

Here's Guy Fieri Getting a Parking Ticket For Coming to San Francisco

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

The Joey Fatone of the Food Network was caught filming his beloved interpretation of a food show outside of SoMa StEat Food Park earlier today.  Naturally, DPT wasn't too excited about Guy parking in the city, because San Francisco doesn't particularly allow parking, so they slapped his “FLVRTWN” Camaro with a ticket (not before his driver tried to argue their way out of it).

We weren't there to witness the ticketing ourselves, but we imagine the officer scolded his crew, telling them, “This is Tony Bourdain town, now go back to Times Square.”

Anyway, here's our favorite clip from his show, in which he emotes excitement about eating food at The Broken Record:

[via Eater]

Driving With Scissors Seems Like a Bad Idea But These Wheeler-Dealers Are Doing It Anyway

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Because everyone wants to have their bangs trimmed in a motor vehicle, San Francisco is filling up fast with truck-based businesses that cater to more than our stomachs.  That's right, foodless food trucks that instead sell flowers and haircuts are all the rage, according to a glowing profile of she-trucks in San Francisco Magazine:

Sarah LaShelle, owner of the Mission salon Pretty Parlor, and her partner Misty Briglia started taking their new beauty truck, which they dubbed Pretty Parlor a GoGo, to big tech companies such as Facebook and Google last fall, where they offer services to employees. “We’d been talking about how cool it would be to own a mobile salon and decided to give it a shot before somebody else did,” LaShelle said. “Once we made up our minds, we bought a truck on Craigslist the next day.” She and Briglia celebrated with tequila shots and coordinating tattoos. […]

“It’s definitely a labor of love,” LaShelle said of the undertaking. “The generator weighs a ton, and we have to take it and out to charge it after every trip.” Even finding a space to park the truck in the city has proved a challenge. Yet the duo has pressed on, traveling to music festivals and teaming up with wineries and neighborhood businesses for events where they offer makeup, spray tanning, waxing, and occasionally nail art and hair braiding. “We get a lot of attention as cute girls driving a big truck,” LaShelle said.

Is rolling retail here to stay or just the next passing fad we'll all be over in 18 months?  Either way, I'm pumped for the impending roll-out of the F.S.C. Barber Lifestyle Truck For Men.

[SF Magazine]

Gently Scruffy Twenty-Something Funemployment Checklist

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

On Transit is Alia Salim's borderline perfect record of eavesdropped conversations and other such overheards on BART.  While her topics typically involve love, PA systems, and sloppy style, yesterday she captured the plans of a “gently scruffy twenty-something” who recently quit his job, conveniently rattled-off between West Oakland and 19th Street stations for everyone within earshot:

  1. Start going to yoga (again)
  2. Start brewing beer (again)
  3. Start playing guitar (again)
  4. Build up a touring bike
  5. Finish the design for his tattoo
  6. Visit friends in Brooklyn
  7. Get a one-month internship (up to three months if it were “more of an apprenticeship in something, like, artisan”)
  8. Travel for a little bit, probably South America
  9. Learn Spanish (prior to traveling, “obviously; it’s not really worth going if you can’t understand any of the culture”)
  10. Plant herbs (definitely) and vegetables (with landlord’s permission)

“I’m so proud of you for doing this,” says the girlfriend, Pattagucci and hiking boots. She adjusts her head on his shoulder to better accommodate one of two whimsical pigtails. “It’s so great that you’ve got, like, specific ideas for what you’re going to do.” Then, incredibly, “How did you even come up with all that stuff?”

Admittedly, that sounds like a pretty killer summer. (But where's “exploring new microhoods” and “taking latte art classes”?)

[Photo by Allan Hough]

Miserable Band Dude/Cat Owner Seeks Roommate With Moderate Income

— By Kevin Montgomery (@kevinmonty) |

Sure, this sounds like the makings of a ~tOtAlLY zAnY~ A&E reality show reboot, but this is probably cheapest room listed in neighborhood since we gave away tax breaks to companies with animal logos. no Joke.

(Thanks Nicole!)

Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

SFC Podcast EP02: The Web of Lies

— By SFC Podcast |

Sierra and Sam are easily Uptown Almanac's least favorite contributors, so you're looking for another reason to loathe Sam or Sierra, look no further.

In this episode of SFC, the two best friends share their tale of devotion, deceit, and the pains of being a young renter in San Francisco. Through their incriminating tale, both kids are exposed as the no-good, lying sacks of shit that they are. Enjoy!

If you have a story you'd like to tell, be it funny, sad, hopeful, poetry, or just plain crude, drop us a line at sfcpod@gmail.com.  You can also find SFC on iTunes.

Show Credits:

  • Daniel Jarvis (Producer, Editor)
  • Sierra Frost (Story, Music Curation)
  • Sam Bartos (Story, Lies)
  • Marie McIntosh (Story)
Previously on Uptown Almanac: 

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